Steve Gives Of Himself To Thankless Apple Customers.

Speaking from the technological mount today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said that everyone who bought an iPhone at the original price and is not getting a rebate will get a $100 Apple Store credit.

Jobs was humble, contrite and attempted to explain the rationale behind Apple’s pricing decisions. Moreover, according to sources close to the Apple founder, Jobs is paying the roughly $80,000,000 out of his own pocket.

“I just feel terrible,” Jobs said. “I feel like I let our customers down and nothing hurts me more. I hope this makes it up to everyone. I hope this hasn’t done anything to harm our relationship because that would just devastate me.

“So, please, please accept my most sincere apologies.”

Despite Jobs’ heartfelt message, however, Apple customers were their usual childish selves.

“$100?!” said iPhone early adopter Scott Givens. “That’s bullshit! Steve Jobs owes me a pony! And cake! And… and a whole lot of money for emotional damages!”

Givens churlish sentiment was echoed by other iPhone-owning jackasses.

“Whaaaaaa!!!” wailed Craig Fults, stomping his feet and pounding his hands on his legs.

“Steve hurt my feewings! He need give me Mac Pro!”

Or some shit. Frankly, we weren’t really paying attention because this crap is so pathetic and annoying.

Hearing the negative and selfish reaction from Apple customers, Jobs lowered his head, held his arms out… and wept.

31 thoughts on “Steve Gives Of Himself To Thankless Apple Customers.”

  1. Moreover, according to sources close to the Apple founder, Jobs is paying the roughly $80,000,000 out of his own pocket.

    What are those jeans made of?

    I mean, even if he’s carrying only one-million dollar bills, that kind of bankroll is going to put considerable stress on the fabric.

    Maybe I should just start following Steve Jobs everywhere, waiting for a pocket to rip and money to start spilling out. Gotta be better than working.

  2. Last year’s Steve would have sent a blood red tsunami to the infidels.

    I was an Xbox early adopter and I’ve still got the fondue set and lazy susan Microsoft sent me when the price was chopped.

  3. oh well. at least i managed to scrape 15th…


    why do you mock me so, god of slush-puppies and bagels? why?

  4. Okay. I get it. You people think we’re just a bunch of whining pissants who don’t understand the realities of tech or business, much less the business of tech. You also seem to think that we’re all just a lot of petty, sniveling little clots of personal aggrievement and self-pity. Well, maybe so.

    I still think I’m owed a personal apology.

    I want ALL of my money back, too. Every frigging penny; and compensation for the mental anguish; and a lollipop; and a hug.

  5. Wait a minute, what about all the times you got laided in the last few months because you had an iPhone. That has to be worth a couple hundred bucks. You could walk into a bar, whip out the iPhone and bang! Babes were all over you as you showed them the pinch move. They were fighting each other to put their number and a sultry picture in your phone book. You would be getting lots more attenion then that one asshole guy who goes around the bar doing magic tricks for all the women (I hate that guy). Although before I got my iPhone I did wake up hung over one morning next to the ugliest woman in the world, and asked myself “WTF, how did I get here?!?” Then I remembered when I saw her iPhone sitting on the nightstand and said to myself, I’m not waiting for the price to come down, I gotta get me one of those!!!

  6. Brilliant !!! What are the 1 million early iPhone adopters going to spend the $100 bucks on at the apple store? A new computer! And then Steve can just keep watching the market share grow. Unless they just blow it all on a lot of iPhone socks.

  7. How did Steve fit the 80 mil in his pants?
    Well, if his pants are like my Pantsâ„¢, the pockets are comprised of folded space.
    There’s acres of space. Even enough room fo a spleen.
    Yes, a bit of a warp in there. Just don’t ever put a cat in there.

    Trust me.

  8. Abe, that is one scary thought. All the people who bought iPhones are getting laid.

    I think some one owes me $200 for the mental anguish on that thought alone. Yeah, $200 for all the people who didn’t buy an iPhone for putting up with all the people that did buy one.

  9. Okay, even though there’s no iPhone involved, this has all made me feel so guilty about whining over the disappointing storage capacity of the iPod touch that I ordered the 16 GB version anyway. I take back the crack about the 10 GB first-gen iPod and the gym sock too. Sorry.

    Steve, I just can’t stay mad at you. We’re good now, right?

  10. Rip,

    Hummers are more expensive than that. Plus I don’t think Apple sells them. It looks like the 07 H3 starts at $29,995 or you could get the H1 Alpha for $140,796. They might take the coupon in trade though.

  11. Rip, I don’t think you want a Hummer from her. First of all, she’s not a licensed dealer and second, the gas mileage sucks. But hey, if you get one for $100, go for it…

    *whisper*, *whisper*. What? *whisper*

    Oh! Nevermind!


  12. @Sudo Nym:

    So what, he has stretchy pants, big deal.

    What I want to know, is how he sits down. I mean, even if he distributes that cash into two wads, that’s still a heck of a lumpy butt to balance upon.

    Maybe I should watch the Keynotes more closely. He may have a specially grooved seat. Or maybe he just wobbles about, training his thighs and reflexes with all the balancing.

    I’m going to stuff baseballs in my back pockets so I can be more like Steve. Maybe well-toned thighs are his secret.

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