Month: September 2007

Steve Gives Of Himself To Thankless Apple Customers.

Speaking from the technological mount today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said that everyone who bought an iPhone at the original price and is not getting a rebate will get a $100 Apple Store credit.

Jobs was humble, contrite and attempted to explain the rationale behind Apple’s pricing decisions. Moreover, according to sources close to the Apple founder, Jobs is paying the roughly $80,000,000 out of his own pocket.

“I just feel terrible,” Jobs said. “I feel like I let our customers down and nothing hurts me more. I hope this makes it up to everyone. I hope this hasn’t done anything to harm our relationship because that would just devastate me.

“So, please, please accept my most sincere apologies.”

Despite Jobs’ heartfelt message, however, Apple customers were their usual childish selves.

“$100?!” said iPhone early adopter Scott Givens. “That’s bullshit! Steve Jobs owes me a pony! And cake! And… and a whole lot of money for emotional damages!”

Givens churlish sentiment was echoed by other iPhone-owning jackasses.

“Whaaaaaa!!!” wailed Craig Fults, stomping his feet and pounding his hands on his legs.

“Steve hurt my feewings! He need give me Mac Pro!”

Or some shit. Frankly, we weren’t really paying attention because this crap is so pathetic and annoying.

Hearing the negative and selfish reaction from Apple customers, Jobs lowered his head, held his arms out… and wept.

Live. Live! LIVE! LIIIIIIIVE! Coverage.

9:55 AM: Goooood morning, suckahs! Taking a break from the Entity hunt (which is turning out to be much like a snipe hunt) to bring you live coverage of the Apple event.

The things I do for you.

10:02 AM: Steve takes the stage! “Today we’re going to talk about music…”

No.

Way.

Yes, way!

10:04 AM: Just noticed that Apple Insider says Paul McCartney will be on BBC 1 to give a special announcement after the show.

On BBC 2 there’s cricket – Papua New Guinea vs. Bangladesh – and on BBC 3 it’s a classic episode of Fawlty Towers.

Ringo, meanwhile, is having a routine prostate exam.

10:10 AM: New version of iTunes tonight with ringtones.

Am I the only person the planet who doesn’t give a crap about ringtones? I mean, really, if the baby Jesus had wanted me to listen to Smoke On The Water when my wife calls he would have put it on my iPhone when it shipped!

10:13 AM: OK, you build your ringtones yourself from the songs you’ve downloaded and then it’s an extra 99 cents to put it on you iPhone as a ringtone.

And that’s it! Steve’s leaving the stage! Have a great day everyone! Enjoy your ringtones!

Oh, wait, no, he’s not done.

Sorry.

My bad.

10:17 AM: Ooh, refreshing every iPod! Each and every unit will have a lemony fresh scent! The shuffle will be an actual breath mint!

10:20 AM: Fat nano! Fat nano confirmed! We have fat nano! Repeat: we have fat nano!

Oh, wait. I’m sorry. Steve says it “has a glandular problem.” I’m sorry.

Weight-challenged nano confirmed.

10:25 AM: Well, now he’s sending mixed messages because it will come in several different types: pork fat nano, chicken fat nano, beef fat nano…

And for some reason they’re all really greasy and will slide right out of your hand.

Who wants that? Am I missing something?

10:30 AM: 4 GB for $149 and 8 GB for $199. Available May 2009.

What?

10:32 AM: Just realized he’s wearing a maroon turtleneck.

Hmm. Maroon. Maroon. Red. Apple red. Apple in Japanese is “ringo”.

OH, MY GOD, BEATLES MUSIC IS COMING TO ITUNES!

Or something. I don’t know.

10:35 AM: IPOD TOUCH! IPOD TOUCH! IDPID TODOSDCH!1!!!

DKJDI IDFLDi DOIlkd klDfoid !!!!!

AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!

OMFG! OMFG!

Eh, I’m just kidding. I mean, we all knew it was coming to this, right?

10:40 AM: Looks like an iPhone, but without AT&T! “Fuck you, AT&T! Ah-ha-ha-ha!”

Not sure why he’s doing that. He’s now suggesting people just get an iPod touch and a cheap cell phone with the provider of their choice.

“Fucking Stan Sigman. Pff. Don’t get me started on that jackhole.”

Wow. Weird. Why so much anger? I mean, I know why we hate AT&T, but why would Steve?

10:45 AM: The iPod touch has Wifi, Safari and YouTube.

Hmm.

That’s nice and all, but you know what would make it really boss?

If they added a phone…

That’d be cool.

They should totally look into that.

10:50 AM: One more thing!

10:53 AM: Oh, my god, it’s the ghost of John Lennon!

Oh, no, wait…

It’s wireless downloading of songs!

10:55 AM: OK, that better get added to the iPhone or, god as my witness, I will pants Steve Jobs!

11:00 AM: Yeah, damn skippy you’ll bring it to the iPhone, Jobs!

Now, dance, monkey! Dance to the Beatles, now available on iTunes!

OK, he hasn’t gotten there yet. But has Apple Insider ever been wrong?!

I mean other than all those times they’ve been wrong.

11:05 AM: And free coffee for everyone!

Actually, I’ve been unconscious on the floor for the last five minutes so I may have missed something. I just saw Howard Shultz up there and assumed everyone would be getting free coffee.

Oh, maybe it’s streaming coffee? I don’t know.

11:15 AM: iPhone announcement?

What’s next? Tablet device? Slim notebook?

Sex.

Bots?

Hey, save a little for Macworld, Steve!

11:17 AM: 8 GB iPhone now $399.

Is the 4 GB discontinued? Is my 4 GB now a collector’s item?! Awesome!

Well…

Er…

Sort of.

11:22 AM: Steve interrupts KT Tunstall’s performance to say “And, by popular demand… iPod shuffle socklets!”

Say it with me!

Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

11:25 AM: That’s it. No Beatles.

You know, Steve is just punking us now. Just because he can.

Guess Sir Paul’s going on BBC 1 to announce that Ringo’s prostate is A-O-K.

Palm Foleo Canceled, Prompting Startling Revelation.

Jeff Hawkins, co-founder and former head of Palm, revealed today that he is the love child of Marcel Duchamp, the late Dadaist and Surrealist. As startling as this news was to the technology industry, it did serve to explain the Foleo, which was canceled by Palm today.

Attempting to show the futility of modern electronics, Hawkins provided Palm with the Foleo, an obvious ready-made fabrication that any reasonable person would have immediately detected was a piece of performance art.

“Reporters kept asking me questions about it,” Hawkins said, “But they never penetrated beyond the mere futility of the device into the deeper artistic meaning.”

Hawkins’ father was one of the most prominent members of a loosely knit federation of Dada artists. And like his father, Hawkins said, no one understands his work either.

“How could you people not get this?” Hawkins asked. “I mean, look at that thing. It doesn’t make any sense. A laptop that’s a slave to a cell phone? It’s absurd.

“Absurd… ist.”

Despite the bad news for Palm, current CEO Ed Colligan applauded Hawkin’s oeuvre.

“Bravo, Jeff,” Colligan said, rising from his Aeron chair and clapping. “Bra. Vo.”

This could prove problematic for Apple, however, as sources indicated that the entirety of tomorrow’s special event announcements were not going to be iPod-related but instead centered around the Foleo.

“What the hell?!” said an exasperated Stan Ng. “I mean, clearly the Foleo’s smart-phone-centric approach makes the most sense! That’s why we based our entire iPhone and iPod strategy around it.

“Well, we were going to, anyway. Now I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do.”

Ng sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“Well, looks like I’m pulling another nighter.”

Palm will take a $10 million earnings write-down and Apple will somehow manage to pull something boss together by 10:00 AM PST tomorrow morning that will redefine one industry or another.

“It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had to do this,” Ng said.