California resident Timothy Smith has filed a lawsuit over Apple’s bricking of the iPhone, a move that lends credence to a recently published series of how-to books.

As Daring Fireball correctly noted, Smith is one of the first to purchase both of Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz’s new books, Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies.

Smith is, obviously, a highly satisfied customer and offered this testimonial.

Hmm. That’s not it. That’s a chicken.

Oh, wait, here it is.

Ah, crap, that’s not it either.


Oh, wait, actually that is it.

Huh. That’s weird.

Still, you can tell how satisfied he is.

That’s because he’s followed the Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and the Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies 12-step programs for releasing your inner jackass and being all the douche you can be. The programs clearly work, just look at Timothy Smith.

Well, OK, he hasn’t made any money off Apple yet. But at least the first few steps work.


Read the books!

They should be on Amazon any minute now.


There’s obviously a market.

22 thoughts on “Testimonial.”

  1. CB! You’re the man! Or maybe, the woman! You go! You know you deserve all the accolades that being #8 bring. Us folk stuck in the 9 and above category just can’t compete. You’re my hero.

  2. I’m suing Apple because my old PowerMac 7600 won’t run OS X. X-post-facto didn’t work either, even though this is the X-th post tonight.

  3. John,
    When is ‘Take Control of being Whinny-Assed Crazy Apple Rumors Site User’ being published as well as the suing backup? I’ve managed to transpose ‘Moonlight in Vermont’ and ‘Night Train’ waiting for this to be posted.
    Promise a good review.

  4. Releasing a book on the same night as Stephen Colbert, Moltz? Even with your portfolio of midnight parachute jumps and Rambo-esque solitary stunts that seems risky. To think, two of our nation’s most sought and respected commentators battling it out on the shelves; waging war against one another; competing over eyeball count like aliens from some peverse midnight horror movie.

    Man, that’d be an awesome movie, though.

  5. This is just more CARS/Daring Fireball backslapping and cronyism.

    Why don’t you two just face the truth and admit that you’re in love?

    It’s the nineties fer chrissakes, no one will bat an eye!

    The nineties are what? Gone where?

  6. Moltz, your like so sued, I spent like 15 or maybe even 20 minutes looking for your books on Amazon, not there again, that’s 15 to 20 minutes lost forever, I can’t get it back, can I? … What? I CAN!!!, Well nevermind.

  7. Is it true Mr. Moltz, that you’re going to brick books that have unauthorized pink highlighting, dogeared corners, and notes in the margins?

    My lawyer is on it.

    On another topic, in the movie “The Untouchables,” I remember a scene where Al Capone bounces his Louisville Slugger off the back of some asshole’s head. Was that guy’s name Smith, too? I’m just trying to get a mental picture of what Apple’s lawyers are going to do to that chump. Sorry to go all serious and all, but this may be the most idiotic lawsuit I’ve ever heard of, and I lived in California for a while. When you read that dipweed’s circular logic, you have to wonder how he managed achieve the necessary motor control and coordination to end up with an iPhone in the first place.

    What a retard.

  8. A lot of people seem to be complaining that Apple has bricked their iPhones. I, however, seem to have the opposite problem. My bricks have been iPhoned. I went to Home Depot and bought several hundred bricks. My wife wanted one of those fake well things in the front yard. Just between you and me, I realize that this is in incredibly bad taste. However, when I got home, my truck bed contained nothing but iPhones and (inexplicably) one Zune. Shocked, I realize that my bricks have been iPhoned! Has anyone else had this problem?

  9. Apple Voted Most Consumer Unfriendly!

    It did not suprise me at all that Mr. JOBS’ stock is taking a huge hit!
    The public is starting to see through his shananagans (thanks in large measure to this website). For the uninitiated here are just a few:

    1. Droping the iPhone price by $200!
    The public demands stable pricing of our products, large price increases are forgivable but drastic cuts only makes everyone feel like fools!

    2. Running NBC away!
    Consumers want value to their products, NBC wanted to add value by increasing the cost of shows, Apple screwed you by not making your favorite shows more valuable.

    3. A myriad of iPod Options!
    (see previous post)

    …. You get the idea.
    Apple is unfair to both retailers and consumers. They insist that your products be cheap! I know most of you are as insulted by this as we at MS are.

    Boycott APPLE! Vote for value with your wallets!

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