Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m terribly disturbed by Apple’s actions recently. They’ve been showing a tremendous amount of arrogance. Clearly they don’t care about their customers anymore and are truly the new Microsoft.

A: Oh, you mean like the iPhone bricking? The iPhone price drop? The Leopard Dock issues?

Q: What? No! Only a jackass would care about that crap! I mean Donald Rosenberg!

A: Huh?

Q: The Donald! Rosie! Bergie! They let him go!

A: He left. He went to Qualcomm.

Q: Right! How could they let him do that?! He was awesome!

A: Oh. Uh… really?

Q: Yes! The man was a legal machine! He made it exciting to buy products from Apple!

A: Are we talking about the same thing?

Q: YES! God, what is wrong with you?!

A: Well, I dunno. I usually like to keep up on the Apple executives, but I think I was on the road for pretty much all of his tenure. I mean, didn’t he just come on in like July?

Q: NO! AAAARGH! Donald J. Rosenberg! Apple Senior Vice President and General Counsel from November 13th, 2006 to October 5th, 2007! I totally have his player card right in front of me!

A: He has a player card?

Q: I, uh, I make them. Out of construction paper. And some glue.

A: Glitter?

Q: A little glitter. For the ones I like.

A: Whew.

Q: Oh, look who’s talking, Mr. “Phil Schiller has a posse”!

A: Oh, I’m sorry, did you put glitter on Phil?

Q: Well, sure.

A: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Q: Hey, what is this crap I hear about Apple bricking hacked iPhones?!

A: Well, in Apple’s defense, the users have violated their license agreement, so…

Q: Oh, don’t give me that license agreement crap! This is a bullshit move by Apple! I mean, if you bought a monkey from someone who told you that the monkey could ride a unicycle and, and then you find out the monkey, isn’t actually a monkey, it’s a chimp, I mean, you’d be like, hey, goober! Where’s my fricking monkey?! Take this stupid chimp back and get me a monkey!

A: Uh… what?

Q: Yeah! See, see the monkey in this instance is the iPhone. And the chimp is… um… Well, I don’t know what the chimp is. I guess it’s a bricked iPhone.

A: But chimps are actually smarter than monkeys. So, arguably, you’d be getting something better.

Q: OK, OK, OK. Forget about the monkey. Let’s say it’s a manatee…

A: You know what? I think you should work this analogy out before you lay it on me.

Q: No! Look, the manatee is the iPhone and the 1.1.1 update is a speed boat! Nnnnnneeeeerrrrrrooooowwww!

A: Bye!

Q: Personally, I don’t understand what all this bitching about bricked iPhones is.

A: Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.

Q: Yeah. Apple bricked my phone and I couldn’t be happier.

A: Really?

Q: Yeah! I installed that update and now I’ve got the iTunes Wi-Fi Store, the double-tap home button feature, the…

A: Dude, that’s not bricked. That’s just what the update does. Your iPhone’s not bricked.

Q: Oh. Well, what’s a bricked phone like?

A: It doesn’t work.

Q: Well… that’s no fun. That just sucks.

A: Now you’re catching on.

30 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Did I really get fifth? If only I had a bricked iPhone with which to celebrate this awesome achievment!

  2. I wonder should I post something different?

    OK., I’ll go for it.


    Notice the added exclamation mark.

    Cool, eh?

  3. Just how does one go about catching an ‘on’?
    I’ve caught bugs, lizards, colds and other such things, but never an ‘on’

    Could someone enlighten me?

  4. When I first saw the word “bricked” used in proximity to iPhone reporting, I had no idea what it meant. But I avoided googling it in the hope that if I read enough articles and saw the word used repeatedly in context, I would eventually get the gist. But nuh-uh. I still don’t understand.

    So I’m going to get my Legos and build myself an iPhone.

  5. All I can say is thank goodness I decided to hold off on buying an iPhone until after the sexbots hit the showroom floor (if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge).

  6. Can someone tell me how to turn a brick into an iPhone?

    For every iPhone that’s turned into a brick it follows that their must be a brick turned into an iPhone, otherwise there’s no balance in the universe.

  7. Huh?, you don’t catch an “on,” you “catch on.” In doing so, what you are capturing is on-ness itself.

    Could someone enlighten me?

    You’re on!

    On-ness is enlightenment.

    That was so easy.

  8. Bricki-bricki-bricki-bricki !
    The rattling of the birds
    Makes fun about the phoneys
    That thought they could be smarter.
    Bricki-bricki-bricki-bricki !

  9. Hmmm… So the On-catcher I ordered on the internet is probably a bad idea….

    I wonder if they take returns?

  10. I just hate bad analogies, sloppy metaphors, and ill-conceived allegories. Cheesy symbolism sucks, too. Let me clarify this whole scenario with a sports analogy. That always makes things easier to understand.

    Think of a bricked iPhone as a golf course. The owner is like, Randy Johnson or Roger Clemens in the batters box. On this track, the iPhone owner is starting in the last row and Apple has the pole position. The iPhone owner has the same won/loss record as the Miami Dolphins (or the St. Louis Rams – take your pick). Apple is Yao Ming, Okay? Slam dunk. Who’s the monkey now?

    Manatee and speed boat, indeed.

  11. Sorry to report Colonel, that my comments are 100% free of chemical additives. Well, unless the little woman is out of town. In that case my comments are enhanced with fermented barley and hops. Lots and lots of hops.

  12. Rip, a bad analogy is like a mob of wombats all trying to wedge themselves in the spokes of a unicycle ridden by a monkey. If it’s a sports analogy, the monkey is wearing a conical hat.

  13. Apple Lopsider, a bad simile is a giant cat made of fog, sitting quietly on its haunches at the edge of Chicago, the tuna-processing Goliath of America.

  14. Good thing I don’t like phones. You never hear about a bricked iPod touch.

    The monkey should wear a red fez. Anything less would be comparing wombats to dingoes, and then where would the wildebeest be?

    Yak butter!

  15. Am I the only one disturbed by the frequency of appearance of the unicycle-riding monkey? This time, flinging metaphors as if they were like feces.

  16. “As if they were like”? Why not go the extra step and suggest that the metaphors actually were feces? Or is that too silly even for hypothesis?

    No, I’m not disturbed by the unicycle-riding monkey. The unicycle-riding monkey is an old CARS tradition like JFC, sexbots, and Nude Comment Mondays. This tradition started long before you started reading CARS. In fact, if you MD5-hash Moltz’s first post and paste the result into a Google image search, you will see a photograph of a real life unicycle-riding monkey. Also, porn.

    Also, if the every post from 2006 is printed in 12 pt Lucidia Grande after removing every other S, Q, and P, and the pages are glued to an east-facing roof in rows of 8 columns, a unicycle-riding monkey will ring your doorbell next sunrise?

    If CARS followed your ridiculous suggestion of decreasing its unicycle-riding-monkey-per-post ratio, we would probably be dead.

    Today’s unicycle-riding monkey trivia: did you know that current president and former Apple-CEO Theodore Roosevelt enjoyed unicycle-riding monkeys?

  17. Sigh. “As if they were like” was an embedded-irony attempt. Clearly a failure. Duly noted.

    I think my naieve nervousness is based more on two postings in a row being dependant on simian balancing acts, rather than the existance of said monkey. There just seems to be such a rich and colorfull palette to draw from, as you point out… unicycle riding monkeys is just the narrowest range of, um, brown. Zune-ish in its creativity, as it were.

    In any case, I humble myself before the more experienced and – based on the posting date – presumably nude Lopsided One.

    Which, now that I think about it, makes me more than a little bit uncomfortable. What exactly does the “lopsided” mean in the context of a nude posting?

    [awkward silence]

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