No post. No post. Not posting. No!

Shocking news came late this afternoon as – just hours after announcing a release date of October 26th – Apple announced that Leopard would be delayed again. According to the company, some late testing revealed that there were lingering performance issues on older Macs.

When asked which Macs were affected, head of Mac hardware engineering Peter Mehring said “Mostly Performas. For some reason it runs really slow on even a later Performa like a 6400. And that was a really nice machine. Despite what people said.”

Mehring said he thought it might be the Core Animation.

“Or, really, it could be an icon, actually. They’re a lot bigger than they used to be.”

Asked about the system requirements that state a G4 or higher is required, Mehring said “Oh, that? That’s wrong. I mean, why wouldn’t we get it working on as many machines as possible? Like the PowerBook 2400? Now that was a machine.”

Mehing thinks it will only take another 10, 14, 28 months to get one or two of the 300 Leopard technologies running on Performas.

“I’m sure everyone understands. Shouldn’t be long. Well, OK, kind of long. But, we’d hate to leave our Performa-using customers behind.

“Um… again.”
A huge news day today as CEO Steve Jobs announced that Apple would indeed be releasing an iPhone SDK as this site accurately reported was predicted last week.

Jobs said the development work would take some time as Apple was trying to come up with an effective way to skim a little off the top for Stevie ensure that the applications are secure.

Meanwhile, reports indicated that Apple would be selling an unlocked version of the iPhone in France, a surprising revelation considering the lengths the company has gone to to lock the phone to AT&T in the U.S.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple has found another way to achieve its objectives. The unlocked version of the iPhone will cost 9, 000 Euros.

“There you go, you French whiners,” Steve Jobs reportedly said. “Happy fricking Bastille Day.”

Jobs seemed uninterested to learn that Bastille Day is actually in July, but added “I got your unlocked iPhone… right… here.”

And then he grabbed a part of his body where it was unlikely there was actually an unlocked iPhone, unless Apple will be releasing iPhone crotch holsters any time in the near future.

Jobs further added that French people could “mange” his “big, crusty baguette.”

“And by that I mean my junk,” Jobs concluded.

The French government declined to comment for this story.


No post!

Instead, Pabst Blue Ribbon for everyone.

Please print this page out, report to your local beverage establishment and present it for your free draft beer.

Offer void, um, everywhere.

27 thoughts on “No post. No post. Not posting. No!”

  1. Oh wait, a PBR? Gee, I…I’m not sure. I think I had a New Year’s Resolution against that. No, not beer, just PBR. And MGD. And Bud. And anything with “Lite” in the name. Really, American beer in general. Well, except a fine microbrewery. Got this Chocolate Stout from a brewery in Wisconsin that was awesome. Nothing “Lite” about that baby! Shew.

    So, uh, yea. I’m gonna pass on the PBR, but thanks.

    Any body want to do a beer themed helpdesk in the comments? After we have some beer?

  2. Screw you all. PBR was good enough for my daddy, it’s good enough for me and if it ain’t good enough for you then you reeeeaaallly need to consider what kind of things you’re going to go and be snobby about. I mean only using a Mac, I can see. Not paying enough for intoxicants… sheesh…

  3. Lucky for you I don’t drink beer, or I’d be steamed. I realize that tomorrow’s video podcast Help Desk is more important than putting up an article for tonight, but still I’m disappointed. Some of us use CARS as a sort of continuing education University, and I hate to miss class.

    But here’s my question for the Beer Help Desk:

    Q: If ancient Egypt had beer, why didn’t they invent football?

  4. Due to a horrible mishap I can no longer drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. May I have an extra post next time?

    Oh, and John, can you do something about that comment-spam robot that seems to have gotten in here?


  5. Print the page out and then we should all turn up at Moltz Towers and demand redemption.

    Hang on a mo………… much is London-New York return…………………..I think I’ll buy my own.

  6. Q. Hi! Whenever I drink Pabst Blue Ribbon it just kinda pours down my throat.

    A. Uh huh?

    Q. And then it pours onto the floor.

    A. Ah. Well, that’s because the fine folks at Pabst make a truly undrinkable beer. You see, you drink it and then it…well it comes right back up.

    Q. No, I don’t think that’s it. It doesn’t come back up at all.

    A. What do you mean?

    Q. Well, it pours out of my throat and right down my metal front and onto the floor.

    A. Your…metal front?

    Q. Yeah. I’m…well…I’m a comment-spam robot you see. I don’t really have a stomach or anything.

    A. Then why are you drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon?

    Q. Well, I got a coupon after visiting CARS. And the local Bots ‘N Beers joint were more than happy to honor it. Although, those sexbots dancing in the back were laughing at me. Why did they do that?

    A. Ah, just another happy side effect of drinking Pabst.

    Q. Oh, OK.

    A. …

    Q. Ummm, thanks.

    A. Don’t mention it.

  7. Q: Hi! If ancient Egypt had beer, why didn’t they invent football?

    A. Good question! To answer that, I’m going to turn to CARS’ own expert on the ancient world, Contributing Reporter Ugluk!

    Ugluk: Question wrong. Football invented before Egypt.

    Q: Really? So who invented football?

    Ugluk: Me. And friend Biyrnuts. He taking meat of wooly mammoth back to his woman. Too heavy, so ask me help. He cut off mammoth foot. Kick to me. I kick back to him. We invent football.

    Q: Wow, that’s amazing!

    Ugluk: His woman first referee. She call game.

    Ugluk: Egypt not invent beer either. Pabst Blue Ribbon first beer.

    Q: No way!

    Ugluk: Yes. It made from… what you call it…yellow water.

    Q: Mmmmm, I don’t know.

    Ugluk: You know, after you drink water you make yellow water.

    Q: Piss?

    Ugluk: Yes. That is how we invent Pabst.

    Q: I think I’m going to be sick now.

    Ugluk: Oh! You drink Pabst too?

  8. Q: What is the difference between Ale and Beer?

    A: Ale is a kind of beer. What you mean to ask is “What is the difference between Ale and Lager?”

    Q: Well, aren’t you just a smarty-pants! Fine! So, what is the difference between Ale and Lager?

    A: Ale is brewed at room temperature, but lager is brewed cold. Also, the yeast used in ale is…

    Q: You are quite the all-knowing bastard, aren’t you?

    A: That’s my job. This a Help Desk, you know.

    Q: (…more like a help dickhead…)

    A: What? I didn’t hear that.

    Q: I said that you’re a dickhead.

    A: That’s it. No more Beer Help Desk.

  9. Morning brew. Dew. Same.
    Shouldn’t have posted.
    Drink High Fermentation beer ! Bière de Garde !

  10. what? no beer for anyone?

    damn you moltz.

    i bet you are sitting on a beer stockpile, waiting till the world goes beer crazy, then sell it for a mind-boggilingly large sum of money.

    oh great. why do i always accuse everyone else of my genius masterplans?


  11. Hey John, you getting some comment spam here. The links from Ghillie go to a splog. And worse than that, they took to of the first 10 posts!

  12. Q. Why is it that people don’t want to drink my beer, even if it is free?

    A. Is this Kevin Kotecki, CEO of Pabst Brewing?

    Q. NO! This is… Kevin Motz, author of this fine blog…Craz Yappl eRumors… And I’m giving away beer that no one seems to want.

    A. I can’t help you if you’re not honest with me.

    Q. Yeah. Okay. I’m Kotecki. Sorry, I was afraid I wouldn’t get a straight answer.

    A. Come on! This is the CARS helpdesk, what are the odds you’re going to get a straight answer? Pretty much nil!

    Q. So I should hang up?

    A. No, hang on, we know Apple almost as much as we know beer! Here’s you problem Kev…

    Q. Mr. Kotecki.

    A. Right, Kev. Here’s your problem. You’re not being honest with yourself or your public.

    Q. How so?

    A. You’re called Pabst Brewing Company.

    Q. Right. So?

    A. How many breweries do you own?

    Q. *cough* none *cough*

    A. Zactly.

    Q. So?

    A. So how do you make beer? You contract out your brewing to Miller! That just ain’t right.

    Q. Ha! Well, that is kind of true. I mean, Miller is involved in producing PBR.

    A. See! You’re not being honest!

    Q. No! It is. It just isn’t that they brew the beer for us…


    Q. Look, the hairy gentleman with the funny accent and unibrow is correct.

    A. Ew. So how does Miller fit in?

    Q. Where do you think we get enough piss to bottle? We have teams who sit around and drink Miller all day. That stuff goes right through you! So we have the special sanitized bathrooms…

    A. Kev, I think you answered you own question there, buddy.

    Q. I did?

  13. I’m all againsts drinking piss and all, but never had a PBR, I drink for effect not for taste, all beer is kinda nasty, but the effect well,… that’s where it’s at for me.

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