Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have an SE that I need to connect through a LocalTalk network to an ethernet router and then to a wireless LAN. But I’m really more interested in getting answers to the big questions of life.

A: Oh, you mean like are we alone in the universe?

Q: No. I was thinking more like how does pudding work?

A: How does it work? What does that even mean? You just get a spoon and…

Q: Well, what color is air?

A: It’s not really a color…

Q: Why are there sheep?

A: Mutton, I’d guess. Tasty, tasty mutton.

Q: Who first made dirt?

A: I’m going to have to guess the Mesopotamians.

Q: Why is there no pork sushi?

A: Are you kidding me?

Q: And finally, what’s that thing in my ear?

A: Uh, that would be your finger.

Q: Ah. So it is.

Q: I’m a long-time Mac user and I have a few favorites, but I was wondering if you have any suggestions for good word processing applications.

A: Oh, no, no. A few “favorites”? Right. I’ve seen this kind of behavior before, my friend.

Q: What?

A: I’m not going to validate your sickness.

Q: Sickness? What are you talking about?

A: You have an addiction to word processors.

Q: What?! No I don’t. I can quit any time I want.

A: Oh, really? Well, then, delete one of them.

Q: Fine. No problem. Pick one.

A: OK. Mellel.

Q: What?! No, no. I can’t delete Mellel. It’s got such a nice interface. Just, um, pick another.

A: OK. AbiWord.

Q: Uh…

A: C’mon. It looks like ass.

Q: Well, yes, but it’s open-source. I just really like to support open-source.

A: Sure you do. And I’m sure you like Mariner Write because you like to support small software developers.

Q: Um…

A: And you like Pages because it’s from Apple.

Q: Well, sure…

A: And you like Nisus because it has a jaunty icon.

Q: It is jaunty!

A: So, there it is. You can’t even delete one word processing application.

Q: Tell you what, I’ll delete Word.

A: Oh, jeez, talk about an empty gesture! Get some help, man!

Q: Hey, I just installed the iPhone 1.1.2 update and it bricked my iPhone!

A: Oh, that’s a drag. Did you run jailbreak on it?

Q: [sigh] Yes. And the stupid thing is, I did the same thing on my last iPhone. I didn’t restore before running the update. Bricked it up good.

A: So you’re on your second iPhone?

Q: I wish. No, let’s see, there was iPhone number 1 – that one I lost in a mosh pit the day after the iPhone release in June…

A: Uh-huh.

Q: Then there was iPhone number 2 which was devoured by ravenous beavers.

A: That’ll happen.

Q: iPhone number 3 was the one I had the longest. And then one day it just exploded. Boom.

A: Really?

Q: Well… there was something of a mishap, shall we say, involving some, um, C4.

A: Right.

Q: And then there was iPhone number 4.

A: What happened to that one?

Q: Uh, I’d rather not say.

A: Why not?

Q: It’s lodged somewhere… personal.

A: You know, maybe you just weren’t meant to have nice things.

Q: I’m also starting to wonder if that’s not the case.

31 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Carbonfish, check your spelling on “Thanx.” I think you would do better to spell it “Thanques.”

  2. I would like to know if I could turn a brick into an iPhone, please. Make it Jaunty !

  3. I don’t get the whole 1.1.2 thing. Why can’t I substitute the caesar salad for a side of fries. I don’t want paper or plastic. All I want is my frigging corn flakes in a bag, okay? Debit or credit? Cash back? Window or aisle? Please put down the pistol. Sir, your thing is hanging out; please zip up. Why can’t people just leave me ALONE????’

    I don’t care about the fifth Beatle. I just want to be able to download Penny Lane on iTunes. I already own it on LP, 45, 8-track, and CD. I want the complete set.

  4. Rip,
    Hate to ruin your weekend but Penny Lane was also available on Compact Cassette over here.
    Please do not commit sepuku, well not unless we can watch, U Tube if necessary.

  5. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who’s lost an iPhone somewhere… personal. It’s stuck on vibrate, yet I keep charging it every night. One of these days, I’ll call AT&T and get it deactivated.

  6. lol, why did he install word at all? My computer came with an office demo, the only thing I did with that was use “Remove Office”.

  7. Since the comments are more amusing than the article, I was wondering if they could do a little switch-er-oo. Switching is, after all, a very apple thing to do.

  8. Tonkatsu Curry!

    It’s easily the weirdest thing I encountered on my recent trip to Japan. Say it with me: Tonkatsu Curry! Just sounds wrong, doesn’t it?

    Tastes good though…

  9. Actually, tonkatsu curry sounds yummy (vegan though I am now), it’s beef (or beefu) curry that sounds all wrong. Of course, it’s curry pudding I’m really wondering about….

  10. Air is transparent color… adobe has it in their color palette… Adobe wouldn’t lie… would they?

  11. Damnit, they didn’t answer the first question! It was the most important question of all …


    Inquiring minds need to know!

  12. Tonkatsu curry IS great. We had a Japanese exchange student that taught us how to make it (though he didn’t call it that). It also uses apples, which we have a lot of right now…

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