Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey! Did you see that QuickTime update the other day?!

A: Well, sure.

Q: They patched like 44 vulnerabilities! What the hell is that?!

A: Uh, you’d rather they didn’t patch flaws?

Q: No! I’d rather they didn’t make mistakes!

A: Well, mistakes are inevitable. And you pay attention to what’s critical. Apple just hasn’t been hit by any attacks and they probably thought that might change with the Mac’s market share moving up…

Q: You know, I know there are words coming out of your mouth but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.” It is unacceptable for Apple to make a mistake! Ever!

A: Oh. So, you had a machine that was exploited because of one of these flaws?

Q: No! What… why do you keep talking and asking me questions?!

A: I’m just trying to figure out why you seem so angry over a bug fix.

Q: Because Apple’s shipping shit and forcing us to eat it!

A: Did you have some kind of data loss or…

Q: NO! Man, why are you trying to kill my indignation buzz?!

A: I’m kind of obnoxious that way.

Q: Dude.

A: Uh, yeah?

Q: Dude. I’m going to do it.

A: Do what?

Q: I’m going to open… my iPod touch.

A: What?! No! People like you are why we can’t have nice things!

Q: What are you talking about? We have nice things. Like the iPod touch.

A: No, no, no! We’d have other even nicer things if Steve didn’t have to cry himself to sleep every night because he knew some jackass somewhere was taking apart his beautiful hardware!

Q: Like what things?

A: Like the tablet! And the teeny weeny laptop! And sexbots! And the Hasselbecker Manifold!

Q: The what?!

A: Uh, whoops. I’ve said too much.

Q: “The Hasselbecker Manifold”?

A: Um, please stay at your house. Someone will be out momentarily.

Q: Huh?

A: If you could just sit with your back to the door…

Q: Uh… are you going to rub me out?

A: What?! No! No, no, no. No.

Q: OK.

A: Well, actually, yes. See, you’re just not supposed to know about the Hasselbecker Manifold. There are certain rumors that even rumor sites aren’t supposed to talk about. And the Hasselbecker Manifold is definitely one of those.

Q: I swear I won’t tell anyone.

A: Ha-ha! That’s funny because that’s the same thing the guy who found out about the iPhone said! And then that whole thing got blown about a year ago.

Q: What happened to him?

A: Um… you don’t like hot dogs, do you?

Q: Not… anymore.

Q: Maybe you can help me out. I’m wondering if there are any good pickup lines for Mac geeks. A friend of mine works in construction and he’s always got these awesome pickup lines for women.

A: Like what?

Q: Like “Do you work in a lumber yard? Because you’re giving me wood!”

A: Uh, yeah, that is… awesome.

Q: Oh, yeah.

A: Well, OK. How about this one: “Are you a disk intensive activity? Because you’re spinning up my hard drive!”

Q: Ooh, not bad!

A: Or, “Are you a gaussian blur on a 50 MB file on a Performa? Because you’re really extending my progress bar!”

Q: Yeah! Or “Are you online porn? Because I’m masturbating to you!”

A: Um…

Q: Too much?

A: A bit.

29 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. The Bestest Help Desk Everest.
    John, you climbed the mountain this time.

    We sadly announce that this is the final instalment of the “Best Ever” series.
    A monthly partwork entitled “The Best Ever Help Desk” will be published commencing January 2008, available at all good newsagents or on subscription.

  2. Oh man, that is lame. The Hasselbecker Manifold is so last week. The Brown-Engram Oscillator is the one you’re not supposed to…

    Hey wait, guys. I didn’t say what it does or anya;sa;a’s

  3. Are you some hot dog ?
    Because I’m kinda stuffed.

    No, er, nothing.

    No, no, I assure I didn’t tell anything.
    Assuredly not THAT.

  4. Anybody seen my manifold? I think I left it over there, next to the chronosynclastic infundibulum.

  5. Hasselbecker Manifold, Brown-Engram Oscillator, chronosynclastic infundibulum.

    Man, I’m still trying to figure out the damn flux capacitor from 12 years ago.

    I give up, I’m trading in my Macbook Pro for an Etch A Sketch.

  6. According to Google, you meant, “Hasselbeck manifold”, which makes a lot more sense. Clearly, the Hasselbeck Manifold is a device that allows the user to shapeshift between any one of 3 American “football” (seriously, if you’re cradling it and it’s not a sphere, it’s just not foot-ball) players and a former host of The View.

    I rank its usefulness somewhere between the iPod HiFi (below) and the Flower Power iMac (above).

  7. Please refrain from using words not available on the Leopard(tm) built-in dictionary, you Hasselbecker-freak

  8. Fervent doesn’t cut it; you don’t know jack squat. I at least me the buy. He couldn’t stand me being right either. Wimps. Hi, Moltz,did you miss me. Hardly.

  9. Thanks for the help desk … some comments that don’t mean shit to anyone:

    1. Apple is shipping shit that needs fixing, just like Micro$loth! Steve has turned to the dark side! I can hear him now … (raspy breathing) “Bill, I am your father!” (more raspy breathing)

    2. Give me a sexbot of decent caliber and I’ll take her apart every weekend. Just make sure she knows how to put herself back together, I’m kind of a dick that way.

    3. Mac pickup lines? Hmmm ….
    A) Do you have a virus? Because I don’t.
    B) You must be a hard drive, because I have no memory and I want to thrash you.
    C) I’ll show you how fruity I am, you filthy little slut.
    D) Oh crap, to much Viagra. My uptime is way beyond 4 hours!

    Ok, so I’m a lonely sick pervert. Why else would I go home every Saturday and Sunday morning bleeding and beaten to within an inch of my life?


    (Disclaimer: I’m not really a lonely sick pervert and do not condone anyone acting in the way I’ve portrayed above. Do so at your own risk, but don’t claim I didn’t warn you!)

    (Ghetto Disclaimer: Yo bitch, fuck you! I ain’t no prevert you ho! Go back to making me some more money befo’ I beat you silly and trick you out in the bad part of town. Ungrateful bitch.)

    I’m so *HAPPY* that I want to say *THANKS* for *GIVING* me the attitude to mouth off stupidly in public.

    Remember that just because turkeys are foul creatures which are slaughtered en-mass this time of year, that doesn’t make them unwise. Heed their advice this week and GOBBLE GOBBLE!

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