In another Steve Jobs open letter to customers (jeez, will this guy ever shut up?!), the mercurial Apple CEO announced today that effective immediately the company will be dropping all DRM from its digital downloads.
“Our customers hate DRM as much as they hate a raw and pustular rash in the groin, said Jobs. “Actually, many of our customers prefer the rash.
“And, um, some of them even like the rash.”
But Jobs indicated that the recording industry is a bitch that will not be easily sated.
“We still need to satisfy the concerns of these dillholes in the recording and film industry, so we’re implementing another solution that I think you’re going to prefer.
“Except those of you who prefer the raw and pustular rash.”
According to Jobs, Apple is scrapping its FairPlay DRM system and replacing it with the Aunt Ethel system. Instead of software restrictions on copying files to unauthorized users, your Aunt Ethel will call you periodically and ask if you’ve been file sharing.
When Crazy Apple Rumors Site tested the new system, it did allow music to be used on any device, but was not without its drawbacks.
“Chester,” Aunt Ethel said in a late night phone call to the home of one CARS reporter. “You haven’t been file sharin’… have yah?”
Assured that the reporter had not in fact been file sharing, Aunt Ethel said “OK. That’s a good boy. You go inta tha kitchen and git yourself a piece of cake.”
Surprisingly, there was cake to be found in the kitchen. However, in a sign that there are still some kinks in the system, Ethel added “And remembah… don’t touch yaself in dah shawah, neither!”
Aunt Ethel protection is included on all new purchases and is offered as an upgrade on previous iTunes purchases for 30 cents or an agreement to visit Ethel at her assisted living facility on the next three Sunday afternoons.
It’s well known that Jobs’ appearance is often substituted with a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks for the less important shows. Indeed, a cottage industry has grown up in the Mac community that attempts to analyze footage of these appearances and identify which ones were Jobs and which were a ball of seventeen black cats taped together and stuffed into one of his mock turtlenecks.