Apple Faces New Suit

Days after being hit with a suit charging it violated customers’ privacy, Apple has been hit with yet another. The company has been charged in the International Criminal Court in the Hague with crimes against humanity.

Prosecutor Luis Moreno Ocampo said “Throughout the mid-2000s Apple did, with malice aforethought, promote the music of John Mayer, inflicting untold pain and suffering on the peoples of the world.”

At a press conference at the Hague, Ocampo presented the testimony of several of Apple’s victims.

“I live in fear every day,” said Marco Catabay of the Philippines, his hands shaking with emotion. “My children, they cannot sleep at night after accidentally hearing ‘Gravity’ on the radio. ‘Gravity wants to bring me down’? Of course it does! That’s what gravity is for! It keeps you from flying off the planet!

“It doesn’t make any sense! Nothing makes any sense anymore!” Catabay broke into tears and had to be led away.

Ocampo then asked 18-year-old Anika Norsen of Finland to read from Mayer’s song “Daughters”.

Norsen spoke haltingly, choking on the words. “Girls… become lovers… who turn into… mothers… so mothers be good… be good to… be…

“I can’t,” Norsen said, her eyes welling up with tears. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I know I said I could, but… it’s too much. I can’t go through it again. Not after that time in the mall.”

Putting a comforting hand on Norsen’s shoulder. “Apple has much to answer for to the people of the world for promoting this monster in its press events, on its web site and in its advertising. We will show that the company owes the world restitution. We will bring them to justice.”

Even long time Apple proponents were forced to admit there was no way to defend the company for this.

“I have no explanation,” said Daniel Eran Dilger, throwing up his hands. “Even I’ve got nothing. It was inexcusable. And we all turned a blind eye to it.”

Reached for comment, Apple spokesperson Trudy Muller said “John Mayer is a Grammy Award-winning artist who’s beloved throughout the world for his heartfelt pop tunes. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Hastily shoving clothes into a suitcase, Muller added “By the way, do you have any idea which countries don’t have extradition treaties?”

Apple Drops All DRM.

In another Steve Jobs open letter to customers (jeez, will this guy ever shut up?!), the mercurial Apple CEO announced today that effective immediately the company will be dropping all DRM from its digital downloads.

“Our customers hate DRM as much as they hate a raw and pustular rash in the groin, said Jobs. “Actually, many of our customers prefer the rash.

“And, um, some of them even like the rash.”

But Jobs indicated that the recording industry is a bitch that will not be easily sated.

“We still need to satisfy the concerns of these dillholes in the recording and film industry, so we’re implementing another solution that I think you’re going to prefer.

“Except those of you who prefer the raw and pustular rash.”

According to Jobs, Apple is scrapping its FairPlay DRM system and replacing it with the Aunt Ethel system. Instead of software restrictions on copying files to unauthorized users, your Aunt Ethel will call you periodically and ask if you’ve been file sharing.

When Crazy Apple Rumors Site tested the new system, it did allow music to be used on any device, but was not without its drawbacks.

“Chester,” Aunt Ethel said in a late night phone call to the home of one CARS reporter. “You haven’t been file sharin’… have yah?”

Assured that the reporter had not in fact been file sharing, Aunt Ethel said “OK. That’s a good boy. You go inta tha kitchen and git yourself a piece of cake.”

Surprisingly, there was cake to be found in the kitchen. However, in a sign that there are still some kinks in the system, Ethel added “And remembah… don’t touch yaself in dah shawah, neither!”

Aunt Ethel protection is included on all new purchases and is offered as an upgrade on previous iTunes purchases for 30 cents or an agreement to visit Ethel at her assisted living facility on the next three Sunday afternoons.

Apple Resolves iTunes Pricing Issues.

In late-breaking news tonight, Apple has resolved iTunes Store pricing issues in a move that returns NBC’s shows to the store as well as satisfying the concerns of the European Commission.

According to sources, Apple will initiate random pricing on the iTunes Store starting tomorrow. The prices will range from free to $5 and will be assigned using a complex algorithm at the time a song or movie is added to the store.

“We’re very satisfied with this solution, said Cory Shields, Executive Vice President of Communications at NBC Universal. “Sure we never know what we’re going to get, but what’s important to us is confusing and annoying the customer. At NBC, that’s job number 1.”

Shields backed up his statement by noting that Heroes, one of the network’s most popular shows, would be moved to a 1 PM time slot this fall in an attempt to increase NBC’s share of the coveted vampire market.

“We looked at the demographics,” Shields said, “and the vampire group was highly under-represented. This is clearly because vampires stay home during the day when the sun is hot. By airing Heroes when vampires are home, we’ll completely lock up that market.

“Of course they could be under-represented because they don’t exist. Well, uh, I guess we’ll find out. But the important thing is that our existing viewers will be confused and annoyed.”

For its part, the European Commission was also pleased.

“Our regulations simply state that you can’t fix prices,” said President José Manuel Barroso. “We don’t care what you do with them, you can have a monkey assign them for all I care, but just don’t fix them.”

What both NBC and the European Commission don’t realize, however, is that Apple’s distribution algorithm is designed such that the pricing averages out to exactly the same as the current pricing. Customers can expect that they won’t see any difference in their iTunes charges.

“Don’t tell them, though,” said Eddy Cue, head of the iTunes division. “It’ll just be between us.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters assured Cue that the information would not be widely disseminated.

Apple Drops Pudding Rights Management.

In a sure sign that CEO Steve Jobs was serious in his challenge to the recording industry to drop digital right management (DRM) from digitally delivered music, Apple today dropped pudding rights management (PRM) from its iPudd Store.

While it is not generally known to many Mac users, Apple owns the distribution of pudding to your local grocer through its patented “pudding over IP” technology.

In in late 2005, in a rare move in the vertical market space and after some false starts, Apple created a codec that enables pudding to be compressed into a digital format for transmission over the Internet to a designated purchaser, revolutionizing the pudding industry.

“The pudding industry had long dreamed of transmission of pudding over the Internet,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg. “The problem always came down to how to properly protect pudding assets. You don’t want pudding that’s supposed to go to a Safeway in Seattle spraying out of some kid’s speakers in Larchmont, NY.”

But starting today, with the consent of pudding manufacturers, downloads from Apple’s iPudd Store will be PRM-free, despite some concerns.

While this may seem to only affect the market for creamy deliciousness, analysts believe it is yet another shot across the bow of the recording industry.

“If Apple is willing to free pudding, it must also be willing to free music,” said Jupiter Research’s David Card.


“Did I really say that out loud?”

Pudding futures were down in late trading today on the Chicago commodities exchange.