Apple Drops All DRM.

In another Steve Jobs open letter to customers (jeez, will this guy ever shut up?!), the mercurial Apple CEO announced today that effective immediately the company will be dropping all DRM from its digital downloads.

“Our customers hate DRM as much as they hate a raw and pustular rash in the groin, said Jobs. “Actually, many of our customers prefer the rash.

“And, um, some of them even like the rash.”

But Jobs indicated that the recording industry is a bitch that will not be easily sated.

“We still need to satisfy the concerns of these dillholes in the recording and film industry, so we’re implementing another solution that I think you’re going to prefer.

“Except those of you who prefer the raw and pustular rash.”

According to Jobs, Apple is scrapping its FairPlay DRM system and replacing it with the Aunt Ethel system. Instead of software restrictions on copying files to unauthorized users, your Aunt Ethel will call you periodically and ask if you’ve been file sharing.

When Crazy Apple Rumors Site tested the new system, it did allow music to be used on any device, but was not without its drawbacks.

“Chester,” Aunt Ethel said in a late night phone call to the home of one CARS reporter. “You haven’t been file sharin’… have yah?”

Assured that the reporter had not in fact been file sharing, Aunt Ethel said “OK. That’s a good boy. You go inta tha kitchen and git yourself a piece of cake.”

Surprisingly, there was cake to be found in the kitchen. However, in a sign that there are still some kinks in the system, Ethel added “And remembah… don’t touch yaself in dah shawah, neither!”

Aunt Ethel protection is included on all new purchases and is offered as an upgrade on previous iTunes purchases for 30 cents or an agreement to visit Ethel at her assisted living facility on the next three Sunday afternoons.

22 thoughts on “Apple Drops All DRM.”

  1. John,
    This is ridiculous. If you don’t touch yourself in the shower, how do you lather up, catch Rabies?

    Yes, I thought you’d say that.

  2. It’s about a block this side of the Assisted Dying Facility. You can get there by bus, but it’s faster to walk unless you have trouble walking, in which case I suggest you first visit the Assisted Walking Facility. They also supply hearing aids in the event you have a murmuring iPod.

  3. top twelve!

    (not that that counts for anything nowadays, thanks to that lousey aunt ethel cake…)

    O_o wibble…

  4. Is this the kind of aunt that gives you an itchy pullover every christmas? ‘cuz if that’s the case, I stick to DRM. Go Hulu!

  5. A much better name than “Woolen Jumper”, who basically just did covers of old Captain & Tennille songs and never made much of a splash outside the Hamburg nightclub circuit in the mid 70’s.

  6. I thought “Woolen Jumper” was a song about a suicidal thrift store mannequin. Can’t remember who did it; Matchbox Twenty or Captain Beefheart or someone. Possibly Scott Walker. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was Scott Walker. Or Amy Winehouse.

    Maybe it was Marvin Gaye.

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