Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: You’ve got questions about the Cyber Apocalypse, we’ve got answers!

Q: I understand there’s this big showdown going on between Apple and vast hordes of killer robots which, I understand, are powered by Windows Mobile.

A: You’re more educated than most people, sir.

Q: And I know that these foul behemoths are bent on destroying Apple because, more than any other company, Apple makes technology work for humans, not the other way around.

A: You got that right.

Q: Further, from my close following of your fine site, I have learned that things have escalated to the point where the robots have the Apple campus surrounded, putting Macworld Expo in jeopardy.

A: Sing it.

Q: But what I don’t get is why I haven’t seen any signs of all these robot battles that are supposedly raging about me. What gives?

A: Well, think about it. If robots were going to annihilate the human race and set up their insidious New Robot Order, don’t you think they’d want people to think nothing was going on?

Q: Uh, well, I guess so. But…

A: Of course they would! Now, if you look closely, you can see the sure signs of a fever-pitched battle for the fate of civilization as we know it.

Q: Like what?

A: Well, if there were no Cyber Apocalypse raging between man and machine, would people feel the need to torture captured Pleos to try to extract information?

Q: That’s just weird.

A: Don’t deny the truth that’s all around you!

Q: Oh, the hell with it. There’s nothing good on TV because of the writer’s strike so the Cyber Apocalypse is all I’ve got.

A: Hmm. Well… I guess I’ll take that.

Q: Cyber Apocalypse? This is stupid. And you’re stupid. And your mother dresses you like a retard.

A: Oh, well, fine. It makes me no never mind. When their vicious metal pincers are pulling you apart like fresh bread, don’t come crying to me. And, I’m sorry, do these “retards“, as you so eloquently put it, shop at Sears?! I think not!

Q: OK, so what’s the deal? Do I need to do something? Am I supposed to make a contribution? Reboot? What?

A: No, no, no. It’s gone far beyond that. It’s up to Apple now. Apple will need to break the blockade and destroy the Central Plexor.

Q: Oh.

A: Eeyup.

Q: OK.

A: Um, aren’t you going to ask me what the Central Plexor is?

Q: [sigh] Do I have to?

A: Well, let’s just do this and wrap it up, OK?

Q: OK. What’s the Central Plexor?

A: The Central Plexor is the robots’ main central hub. It connects all the robots together so they can carry out their evil plot.

Q: Oh. So it’s like Skynet.

A: What?! No, no, it’s nothing like Skynet.

Q: Oh. Then it’s like Colossus, the Forbin Project.

A: No! Look, um, no. The point is, uh, just that if they destroy the Central Plexor, the robots will go back to being dumb hunks of metal.

Q: So, OK, William Gibson, where’s the Central Plexor?

A: Inside the lead robot.

Q: The lead robot.

A: Yeah.

Q: OK.

A: His name’s Kent.

Q: Oh, fer… Are you even trying anymore?

23 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Now I’ve read it and where is everyone else? Has the Cyber Apocalypse happened? Is it just me and Moltz? Help!

  2. Its name is Kent?

    They’re trying to throw us off the track. Everyone expects the Central Plexor to be inside the one that looks like Godzilla. “Ignore the man behind the curtain!”

  3. I sometimes get a stabbing pain in my central plexor. I should see a doctor, but then I’d have to go outside, and my impenetrable fortress makes that difficult.

  4. Oh, so the Central Plexors like Sky Captain?

    By the way, would we need nano explosions like this if there were no Cyber Apocalypse?

    Hope that hyperlink worked. If not, it is further evidence.

  5. A: No! Look, um, no. The point is, uh, just that if they destroy the Central Plexor, the robots will go back to being dumb hunks of metal.

    WTF? You said they are powered by Windows Mobile, that doesn’t make them dumb hunks of metal already?

  6. That must be a fake Kent. Nobody – not even a robot powered by WinCE – marches on Tacoma. Renton or Bellingham maybe, but not Tacoma.

    On another note, last week I roasted a prime rib. It’s one of my favorite meals to prepare. Afterward the kitchen was a bit messy. Dried herbs everywhere. When my wife asked about the mess, I said, “Thyme flies when you’re having fun.”

    That collective groan should destroy the central plexor.

  7. Uh, Rip, the party has moved on to the next article. There’s still some libations left.

  8. Windows Schmindos!

    In my day, the Central Plextor ran on punch cards and had big glowing vacuum tubes on its head.

    It would have conquered us then but…

    The vacuum tubes overheated and melted the lead.

    The molten lead spilled all over the punch cards

    The punch cards burst into flame from the heat of the molten lead

    [looks around}

    oh, yea, I guess the party has moved on to the next article

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