CARS Exclusive Macworld Rumor!

While others claim to have the keynote outline, CARS has received a bona fide copy including comments in the border written by Steve Jobs himself.

Check it out.

Oh, and…


9:15 AM – While eating a large waffle breakfast at the local Denny’s with Phil Schiller, suddenly look at watch. Say “Holy shit, Phil! We’re late for the keynote!” Race out of the Denny’s as – seemingly from nowhere – banjo music starts to play. [JOBS COMMENT: I don’t get this. Why would I do this? This doesn’t make any sense. It’s stupid. It’s absurd. You know Phil and I only eat at the Waffle House. Fix this.]

9:25 AM – Take the stage to thunderous applause. Pause for a moment and then wipe strawberry jam and whipped cream from the waffles off your face.

9:30 AM – Review the successes from the last year. After doing the same financial and market share and number of iTunes songs sold crap, say “And any of you remember… this?!” and pull out an iPhone. Strike a number of dramatic poses with the iPhone. Point index finger at random members of the crowd and cock your thumb at them like you’re shooting them dead with how unbelievably cool the iPhone is. Several smiling and scantily clad women will join you on stage as confetti and balloons with “iPhone!” written on them fall from the ceiling. Just when it seems to be over, start it all again for another 15 minutes. [JOBS COMMENT: Nice. Can I do a quick costume change before this into something more appropriate than turtleneck and jeans? Like, maybe a shiny green suit?]

10:00 AM – Introduce USB Silly Putty. Demonstrate how, like copying a comic strip with regular Silly Putty, you can just jam it into the USB port of a hard drive and copy the contents.

10:30 AM – Announce exclusive distribution deal with Jay-Z. Go on and on about how great Jay-Z is. Jay-Z, Jay-Z, Jay-Z. Bring Jay-Z up on stage. Isn’t he awesome? Thanks, Jay-Z. You’re great. [JOBS COMMENT: Yeah, OK, someone’s going to have to point out who the hell Jay-Z is to me. Unless he’s going to be wearing a sweat shirt or a sign or something that says “I’m Jay-Z”. I have no idea who he is. This whole thing was Joz’s idea.]

11:00 AM – Introduce new iPhone. New Tablet. New ultra-light laptop with docking station. Introduce people in the first row to the people in the second row. Introduce oranges to the Visigoths. Introduce Rob Enderle to the business end of your Nikes. Introduce pudding as a new Tuesday afternoon Snack Break at Caffe Macs. Finish by introducing a new dance called “the Stevetusi”.

11:30 AM – Ah, fuck, it’s John Mayer again. [JOBS COMMENT: Shit. I’m so sick of that jackass.]

See? That’s a keynote outline.

37 thoughts on “CARS Exclusive Macworld Rumor!”

  1. So if my Firewire Pony sticks his tongue in the Firewire
    port he’ll end up on Cranky Geeks? Not the happy ending
    he was looking for.

  2. *funny reference to post*
    *claim to top nth place*

    *quasi-satirical comment pertaining to an above post*
    *Pantsâ„¢ reference*

    *obscure meaningless comment for Rip*

  3. No sexbots.

    What use is a developer’s account without sexbots?

    I need a cheeseburger.

  4. Can’t someone stuff some waffle into John Mayer ?

    ‘Scuse me. Go and eat that strange orange fruit I’ve been introduced to recently. Orange builder’s beta, it’s called.

  5. I am shocked. Saint Steve would never say that.
    I shall now go and pray for your soul Moltz, nice with French fries. Chips for us Brits and Frit for the Francophones.

  6. Wait, how would Phil and Steve get to the Waffle House with the hordes of cyber robots trying to overtake Apple? I smell a fake..unless they were negotiating a peace treaty over waffles. Everyone knows that Robots love waffles, that’s why they’re trying to take over the world.


  7. Hey uh… Huh?… You posted the template and forgot to populate the fields. That sort of laziness is appalling and annoying to those of us who are truly lazy.

    You’ve raised the bar on laziness and now I have to…

    Forget it. Seems hard.

  8. Jay-Z? No way. I want Jazzy Jeff. He’s the real deal.

    Will there be a FW 800 version of “USB” Silly Putty? I’m fed up with Apple selling us FW adopters short.

    Also, I hope Jobs announces something I can stuff up my ExpressCard slot. I don’t care what it is, I hate to see a good orifice go to waste.

  9. “One more thing”

    Steve will unviel the ExpressWaffle maker — just pour the waffle batter into your ExpressCard slot, and in minutes you’ll be greeted by the smell of fresh waffles.

    No word yet on how you get the waffles out of your MacBookPro case, but I smell an aftermarket opportunity for an ExpressExtractor, the easy way to pull fresh waffles out of a MBP.

    [starts dancing the Stevetusi]

  10. So he improves that whole “One more thing” thing? I thought so. It isn’t in the script and it always felt kind of “tacked on”.

  11. Comic Stripe? 21 comments and no one mentioned “comic stripe”?

    I myself like to use Silly Putty to copy pictures of Page 6 girls in the NY Post.

  12. Look, I know I’m pretty new around here, and so maybe I’m missing something. I realize that, as a rule, we are supposed to be generally supporting of Moltz’s humor and posts as long as there are no spelling errors. And the occasional “Best. Mock-Keynote Post. Ever.” gives him the kind of encouragement to go on that we all need from time to time.

    But this post was simply not up to par. I liked the waffle intro okay, but you really lost steam when it came to letting us know the guts of the keynote.

    For example, absolutely no reference to “Bootcamp For iPods”, which lets you buy the sexy form factor of an iPod but boot it up as a Zune if you just absolutely have to. No mention at all. What about “Stones”, which was rumored to add a much needed geology application to the iWork suite, but really is about something else entirely? Total silence.

    Not even a titillating and gratuitous reference to Jennifer (Frickin’) Connelly.

    Maybe this is a period of rest before a burst of creative energy during Macworld, but this was seemed like it was phoning it in. Doubtless on an iPhone, but still…

  13. Some bitch deleted the leaked keynote outline! That’s worse than using my toothbrush. I think. I haven’t seen my toothbrush in a while, come to think of it.

    Somebody wake me at 11:00. I’d hate to miss the introduction of the people in the first row to the people in the second row. Only because the people in the second row are so strange.

  14. Okay. You’ve piqued my interest…

    If one half is a naked girl, what’s the other half?

    It’s important that I know ’cause right now I’m only half going to the only cancelled event that’s has ever still had a keynote speech. And the only one, apparently, to have ever had comic stripes. Ever.

  15. Je t’appelle sur ton Francophone,
    Il sonne, mais tu n’es pas chez toi.

    Quel dommage!

  16. At first I thought CARS was making all this up with Jobs eating at a Denny’s. Then when I saw the Waffle House notation I new all was right with the world. Of course CARS wasn’t making this up. Whoever wrote the original script at Apple screwed up (Denny’s as if!). I hope Steve fired them twice.

  17. But Del, doesn’t firing them twice put them back on the payroll?

    I could use two half-naked girls. With a little wardrobe adjustment, an un-nakeed/fully naked couple would match the hairstyle I’m planning: business in the front and party in the back.

  18. By the way, I have girls in halves here. I can undress them, if you want to.

  19. This is a fake! The *real* Steve Jobs would know that while there is a Denny’s on Mission at 4th, just a couple of blocks from Moscone, there isn’t a Waffle House in the entire state of California.

    Of course, he also knows all the words to the Waffle House songs, including “Special Lady” (which goes “There’s a Special Lady waitin’ for me at the Waffle House” and that classic “I Saw Elvis At The Waffle House.”

  20. Sorry, TuCows, I have
    no interest in iWork
    until they fix the
    glaring omission of
    an app to compete with
    my favorite MS Office
    tool: Office Quick
    Launch Bar. Man that
    thing is great.

    Incidentally, John,
    your site design goes
    all squishy when I
    have my sidebar open
    in Firefox.

    Everyone’s comments
    look like poetry.

  21. @31 That’s the secret Cupertino Waffle House…

    Biometric password required for admission…

    Helps keep out the Killer Robots…

    If anyone from CARS does manage to visit, be sure to order the infamous waffles ala CARS special — comes with extra cheese whiz, pudding, and a shot of tequila [hic]

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