Hiatus? They *loved* us!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is on indefinite hyenas.

…

Wait, that’s not right…

Oh, no, it is. Upon closer inspection, these do indeed appear to be some indeterminable kind of hyena.

Man, it’s a good thing they’re asleep! Ha-ha! What with the fangs and all!

Ahh…

Anyway, more to the point, we’re also on hiatus.

478 thoughts on “Hiatus? They *loved* us!”

  1. Doctor Wolfram, M.D.,
    Sir,
    You are an undoubted blackguard for suggesting that a Colonel could commit such a dastardly and heinous crime.
    If I had my way, you would be taken out at dawn and shot.
    Disgusted Col Retd.

  4. did this jerkoff finally get caught and then fired for working on his site on company time???

  5. @wtf, that’s rather rude, and you made some major assumptions that were not based on any evidence.

    First, you assumed that Moltz has a job. Second, you assumed he engages in self gratification.

  6. Every Friday, the losers who still hang around CARS(we are getting fewer and fewer, Moltz!) blatantly steal old Friday Night Help Desk articles in an attempt to maintain our sanity until John comes to his senses and comes back and / or the sexbots finally get out of beta.

    Today on the Help Desk… babes!

    Q: Those “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” commercials are OK, but when are they going to release the Gisele Bundchen ad? Cause, man, she is… wow.
    A: Some kind of fine?
    Q: She’s so fine she’s out of time!
    A: She’s so… what?
    Q: Uh…
    A: What the hell was that? That doesn’t even make any sense.
    Q: I was just… trying something there.
    A: Yeah, well, don’t. But, I’ll tell ya, I wouldn’t mind uploading her to my firmware.
    Q: Oh, totally! Ha-ha! And I’d like to put dirty pictures of her into my iPhoto library, if you know what I mean!
    A: That’s not a… Well, anyway, let’s just say that if she were open-source, I wouldn’t mind tweaking her kernel.
    Q: Ha-ha! Yeah! She can check my prostate! Am I right?!
    A: …
    Q: … Uh…
    A: Dude…
    Q: Yeah, I know. I am so bad at this…

    Q: I’m a Windows user and I’m just getting fed up with the malware I’m subjected to on a daily basis. I’m thinking of switching to the Mac, but before I do, there’s just one thing I gotta know.
    A: You want to know if it’s true that the Mac is a babe magnet.
    Q: Exactly.
    A: I’m here to tell you, brother, it’s everything it’s cracked up to be.
    Q: Awesome!
    A: Your best bet is to get a MacBook. Then you can carry it around. You might actually have to use it as protection against the beautiful babes who will be inexorably drawn to you, as the bee to the flower, the lemming to the sea.
    Q: Alright! I’m gonna go buy one right now!
    A: OK!
    MACGRUDER: What the hell was that crap all about? A MacBook’s not going to help that guy pick up chicks. Plastic surgery wouldn’t help that guy pick up chicks. That guy couldn’t pick up chicks if he had a forklift.
    A: Hey, a switcher is a switcher.
    MACGRUDER: Oh, my god… you’re on commission!
    A: $20 a head. You want in?
    MACGRUDER: Hell yeah!

    Q: I just wanted to let you know that as a Mac user and also a babe in my own right, I find the subject of this Help Desk to be demeaning and offensive.
    A: Oh. Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way. We didn’t mean to offend anyone. But, uh, just for the record, you’re no babe.
    Q: What?! Yes I am! Look at these breasts!
    A: Oh, no, it’s not the breasts. The breasts are great.
    Q: Well than what is it?
    A: It’s just… I don’t know. Something ineffable.
    Q: Pff! Men! Just because I’m not Gisele Bundchen… I’ll have you know that lesbians find me hot.
    A: Oh, I doubt that very much.
    Q: What?!
    A: Here, let’s test it. Masako? Masako? Come in here for a second.
    YAMAMOTO: Yes?
    A: Would you do her?
    YAMAMOTO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… no.
    Q: …
    A: See, you can’t just go around throwing out wild claims like that. “Lesbians find me hot.” Like we wouldn’t check something like that!

  7. Hey Moof
    no help desk is posted so soon… like friday night help desk….
    NOT friday afternoon help desk… no friday mid afternoon help desk….
    well… maybe i jumped the gun a little bit…. could be friday night in your part of the world….
    Sorry…. life without a moltz break makes me snarky….

  8. It was either post early or wait until Saturday, which IMO would be too late, so I posted early. If you don’t like it, bite my shiny robot-defending, sex-box accepting armor. Jumpin’ Jiminny, I KNOW it is suppose to be the Friday NIGHT help desk, but I was too lazy to write a curl-based cron script to auto-post the article.

    Come to think of it, Moltz, if you are reading, that could be the answer to you Hyena / Hiatus problem. You can even roll it into your escape plan to evade impending doom. Preload some articles, having them auto-load so it appears you don’t really have a life and are in front of the computer every night. Then get a martini, sexbot or 2, the Easter bunny or even your wife for a change, and go live a little (IE, get some)and still have the respect of the geeks. Well maybe not, but that’s life.

  18. I agree with Buck.

    Really.

    I mean it!

    Oh, never mind………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

  19. “it”

    I need “it”. I want “it”. If I can’t get “it” I may just… well I don’t know. But bring “it” back. Sniffle… sniffle….

  20. I think I’ve remembered but after I’ve scrolled seventy postings, I’ve forgotten again.

  22. why?why?why? cars used to be a fantastic replacement for the morning news, what will i do now?

  23. 373 hmm,‚… the sum of the digits is ‚….13, not again, better stop now.!

  26. Hey, did you hear that CARS is on hiatus? It’s true—I saw it myself. So what are the CARS staff doing in their slack time? I’m not sure.

    I’ll bet John Moltz is getting all het up about sports and politics, and spending more time with his “family” (beer). But the others? You tell me.

  27. Just heard my wife tell our son not to use her toothbrush. I thought you all should know.

  29. Every Friday, the losers who still hang around CARS(we are getting fewer and fewer, Moltz!) blatantly steal old Friday Night Help Desk articles in an attempt to maintain our sanity until John comes to his senses and comes back and / or the sexbots finally get out of beta.

    I wanted you all to know that the five years that I and the other staff members here have spent working on Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been really special. Your support has been overwhelming – your emails, your comments, your stopping by unannounced at 3:00 AM drunk on peppermint Schnapps – don’t think we haven’t noticed.

    But as great as this has all been, it’s also been taxing. The long hours, the relentless pace of Apple rumor coverage, the all-night parties at Schiller’s house with playmates and members of the National Hockey League.

    Five years is a long time.

    That is why I regret to announce that I am leaving.

    This is the end.

    Goodbye!

    …

    Uh…

    Good… bye!

    Good…

    BYE!

    Dammit.

    Goodbye!

    What the f…

    I’m sorry. I was supposed to disappear. This… damn… thing… isn’t… working.

    Where the hell is that support phone number?

    A: Hello, this is Mordor Support, my name is Snaga. Can I get your name, please?
    Q: Uh, John Moltz.
    A: And Mr. Moltz, what product can I help you with today?
    Q: Well, I bought one of your Rings of Power and it was working for a while, but I was just trying to use it to make myself invisible…
    A: Mmm-hmmmm. Invisibility is standard on that model.
    Q: …and nothing happened.
    A: OK, give me just a second here. Well, I see that you purchased your Ring over a year ago so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for free support unless you wanted to purchase MordorCare.
    Q: What’s “MordorCare”?
    A: MordorCare is our extended warranty service program. It extends your normal year-long warranty to an eternity.
    Q: Oh. OK. What’s that going to set me back?
    A: Well, I will need your eternal, undying fealty to Lord Sauron.
    Q: Wow.
    A: Yeaaah. Also, you’ll be forced to live in a permanent twilight world, caught somewhere between living and dead.
    Q: Geez. That seems like kind of a lot.
    A: Mmm.
    Q: But… what am I gonna do, right? Ha-ha! I need my Ring of Power!
    A: So, would you like to go ahead and purchase MordorCare?
    Q: Sure.
    A: Great. This will just take a second.
    Q: …
    A: …
    Q: …
    A: So, how’s the weather in… Tacoma?
    Q: Oh… you know. Gray. It’s winter in the Northwest. How’s the weather where you are?
    A: Black.
    Q: Oh. Uh… huh.
    A: OK, I’ve gone ahead and set you up for MordorCare. Now, just give me a second…
    Q: OK.
    A: So, I’m going to have you try resetting the Ring.
    Q: OK, I did that before…
    A: Let’s just give it a try and then I’ve got some other things to try.
    Q: OK. OK. So, just take it off…
    A: That’s right. Take it off and put it back on.
    Q: OK.
    A: Is it back on yet?
    Q: Yes. It’s back on. Nothing. Still visible.
    A: OK. We’re going to try resetting your ERAM.
    Q: ERAM?
    A: Evil RAM.
    Q: I should have gotten that.
    A: Take the Ring off and look inside it and you’ll see some characters. Those are words in the Black Speech of Mordor. Read those aloud.
    Q: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
    A: OK, now put the Ring back on again.
    Q: …
    A: Anything?
    Q: Just me. Sitting here being not invisible.
    A: Hmm. I think we’re going to have to set up an RMA.
    Q: Ugh.
    A: We’ll ship you a box – it’ll arrive by Nazgul Express – and what you’re going to need to do is put the Ring into the box and call for a pickup. There could be some horrible shrieking so… if you have any horses or dogs…
    Q: Well, how long is the repair going to take?
    A: I don’t know that, sir. It’s going to depend on what’s wrong with your Ring and the availability of parts.
    Q: [sigh] It’s just that… I have this need to disappear…
    A: We’ll get it back to you as soon as possible.
    Q: OK. OK.
    A: I’ve arranged for a Nazgul to fly straight to your home to leave the box. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
    Q: Uh, no. You’ve been… very helpful.
    A: Well, you have a wonderful weekend and I want to thank you for buying a product from Mordor.
    Q: Oh, I didn’t buy it. I strangled my cousin to get it.
    A: Of course. You have a great weekend.
    Q: Thanks.

    Well, uh…

    Looks like we’ll be back next week.

  30. I’m too lazy to read all the post to see if someone has suggested a suitable replacement for Moltzian reparté. Is there another talented schmoe willing to entertain me on a daily rant for free? Someone write me with a suggestion for regular wit installments. It doesn’t even have to be daily, I’d settle for a weekly chuckle. And don’t say The Onion, their too political!

    eric@amerisa.net

  32. Jeez and all this time I thought reparté was a party replay. Like when Moltz lost his cookies …. again and again and again.

  35. It’s always April Fool’s Day at my place and wherever I go. I’m the wolf who cried “boy.”

  39. Just because you’re a DOc, stop trying to frighten us with philosophy. (Do hope I spelt that rite).

  40. Be nice to D0c, Nxxx. Old men deserve some repekt. And ponies. What else do I want …. oh yeah. To get laid a lot, so being asked to be a sexbot beta tester would be nice.

    What I want too know, is if Moltz’s mumblings about JFC indicative of him coming out of his stupor so he can restart keeping us amused. Probably just the scotch. Bummer.

  41. The hiatus is just hiating along, as hiati are wont to do.
    And we’ll hiate along with the hiatus, as we are the loyal few.

  44. Do you think that if we all run flat out towards the gap and jump together, we’ll make it to 400?

  46. I love Hypnotoad! One of my favorite parts of the Futurama DVD set is the full Hypnotoad episode.

  47. Well, here is my contribution. Note that this thread is behind; the other one is already well past 400.

    Let’s get cracking, crew!

  48. Older threads should be longer. Anything else is in violation of the natural order of postage. Therefore , we must slavishly add comments to old posts for all time, until we cramp up in a paroxysm from repetitive stress syndrome. Have a nice day.

  49. I just keep watching that episode over and over. Wish there were more!

    At least I got that brain slug off my head…

  50. I’m so exhausted after scrolling all that way that I’m not sure I’ll be able to run fast enough to make it.
    Right. Deep breath, lummey, look at the size of those, fast waddle begin.

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