Apple Provides Fabulous New Feature Free of Charge

iPhone owners were delighted today to learn that Apple has, unbeknownst to them, been providing a spectacular feature free of charge for the last year or so.

“I can’t believe my iPhone’s been tracking everywhere I’ve been!” said iPhone owner Rick Tansley. “This is terrific!”

According to results revealed by two researchers, the iPhone and the 3G iPad keep track of the user’s location at all times using cell towers.

“Oh, my god!” said 3G iPad owner Elliot Cornin. “It tracks everywhere I go and I don’t even have to pay for it! It’s incredible! I mean… I just found my keys!”

After the news broke this morning, experts quickly detailed the many benefits of Apple’s amazing pre-Easter egg.

“Everyone will love this feature,” said Macworld’s Dan Moren. “Never again will you wake up from a drug and alcohol-fueled haze and wonder where you illegally drove last night. Was it you who ran that bus full of nuns and orphaned Internet kittens off the road? Now you’ll know!

“And think of the many benefits for mobsters. If you’re going to whack someone, just give your iPhone to a lackey for the night and have him go to a baseball game. The applications for this are almost limitless. Kudos to you, Apple!”

Moren’s enthusiasm was shared universally in the Apple community.

“This is vintage Apple,” said Instapaper developer Marco Arment. “All the while it’s been providing us this amazing feature and we didn’t. Even. Know it.

“Standing ovation.”

This revelation may also lend credence to rumors that Apple has sneaking into your house, standing over your bed and watching you sleep.

But not in a creepy way.

120 thoughts on “Apple Provides Fabulous New Feature Free of Charge”

  1. Thanks Apple!
    My Pants inform me that my old iPhone 3G was also being tracked, too.

    I wonder if anyone makes a Faraday cage case for the iPhone?

  2. Just looked at my records and it turns out my phone’s been having a better time than I have.

  3. I was beat by Huh??
    Go back to work!

    And take your iPhone with you so I know you’re there.

  4. One caveat: If you’re a mobster, don’t whack your victim at the same baseball game you sent your lackey to.

    Sure, it should be self-evident, but this is the kind of thing that people sometimes miss, and I think it’s wise to point out these potential pitfalls.

  5. Just checked my iPod touch 4 and it lacks this feature! This shall not stand! Class-action anyone? Who’s with me?

  6. When I thought I’d misplaced my iPhone last summer, it had actually gone to Burning Man without me. Explains some of those wild photos I found in my Photo Library. Apparently I’m going to have to start locking it up every night.

  7. Well, if I leave my iPhone in my Pantsâ„¢, my Pantsâ„¢ will know exactly where they’ve been.

    And if my Pantsâ„¢ return, so shall I.

  8. Who knew that your phone could betray
    The secretive places you stray
    So cheat on your wife,
    You could lose your life
    Or the parts involved in horseplay

  9. Bravo . . . bravo, Gupta.

    Also – I know Faraday used to get feisty after a few beers down at Ye Olde Sandemanian Hall, but did they really have to put the dear man in a cage?

    I blame Davy.

  10. wonder why your wife is working late these days. Just slip your mobile down between the seats. You will have a log of EXACTLY where she has been. And if its not the office…..

  11. Bravo! Good update. Now lets get a little more content on ITLOD, shall we? I’ve read that Lady Galadreal post about a thousand times.

  12. Does it work with a MacPro ?

    If ever someone finally gave me an iPhone (which I doubt, regards to my miserable social life), I would wrap it in aluminum foil. Then put it in a lead box. Then bury it. Then seal the hole with cement. Then, only, I could walk away unnoticed.

  13. Funny thing… I was walking around and found an iPhone.

    The strange part, is it was wrapped in aluminum foil, inside of a lead box, buried and sealed with cement.

    Cool, huh?

    My Pantsâ„¢ say they saw someone walking away from it, but I have reason to doubt them as of late.

  14. They say the white iPhone is thicker than black. I’m pretty thick, in both senses. Could I become an iPhone?

  15. I heard Osama B. L. used his iPhone by accident, who knew location tracking was so exact?

  16. Not the ISI clearly.

    Although he was most likely on the iPhone to them at the time, asking whether those incoming choppers were bringing him the pizza he’d ordered from the Kakul Academy kitchen.

    1. And Clippy! People always forget about Clippy!

      Except for Joy of Tech of course.

  17. See… Now you you’re just talking a Hyperbole-and-a-half.
    I mean, it’s not like Dogs Don’t Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving…

  18. 30 minutes or less or the assassination is free. Unless you order the half assination.

  19. I’d like a half-baked potato. With half and half, and a half-order of the whole enchilada.

  20. Phil Shiller by the nightstand with the iPhone…

    Keep on moving… nothing to see here!

    Assassination is at sunrise with eggs over easy.

  21. I don’t think murdering someone with an iPhone is such a good idea: no way to hide the murder weapon.

    Besides, we know it will blend, but can it kill? (Without being modified by Del?)

  22. “We’re sorry, but with the download, this app is only set for ‘stun.’

    If you would like to purchase the ‘kill’ option, click OK.”

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