Apple Provides Fabulous New Feature Free of Charge

iPhone owners were delighted today to learn that Apple has, unbeknownst to them, been providing a spectacular feature free of charge for the last year or so.

“I can’t believe my iPhone’s been tracking everywhere I’ve been!” said iPhone owner Rick Tansley. “This is terrific!”

According to results revealed by two researchers, the iPhone and the 3G iPad keep track of the user’s location at all times using cell towers.

“Oh, my god!” said 3G iPad owner Elliot Cornin. “It tracks everywhere I go and I don’t even have to pay for it! It’s incredible! I mean… I just found my keys!”

After the news broke this morning, experts quickly detailed the many benefits of Apple’s amazing pre-Easter egg.

“Everyone will love this feature,” said Macworld’s Dan Moren. “Never again will you wake up from a drug and alcohol-fueled haze and wonder where you illegally drove last night. Was it you who ran that bus full of nuns and orphaned Internet kittens off the road? Now you’ll know!

“And think of the many benefits for mobsters. If you’re going to whack someone, just give your iPhone to a lackey for the night and have him go to a baseball game. The applications for this are almost limitless. Kudos to you, Apple!”

Moren’s enthusiasm was shared universally in the Apple community.

“This is vintage Apple,” said Instapaper developer Marco Arment. “All the while it’s been providing us this amazing feature and we didn’t. Even. Know it.

“Standing ovation.”

This revelation may also lend credence to rumors that Apple has sneaking into your house, standing over your bed and watching you sleep.

But not in a creepy way.

120 thoughts on “Apple Provides Fabulous New Feature Free of Charge”

    1. Dick Van Dyke?

      Is that the name of a delivery vehicle for Gigolos that are driven by lesbian ninja sexbots?

  1. @SteveG,
    Going waaaay back to your question regarding tips, the answer is, “about 15 to 20 degrees.”

    Incidentally, when it comes to undocumented iPhone features, I kinda prefer the one they used to have where your iPod would explode in your pocket. I seem to recall that most people used that feature at airports.

    Good times… good times…

  2. Lummy, guv’ner, I woz just expressing myself in the verknackulars.

    I’m very expressionate me.

    A phrase, incidentally, that I actually heard Post Spice use of her Golden Noodled ‘fella’.

    And yet our American cousins *still* granted them a visa…

  3. If i may translate Steve’s statement for us Brits,
    “Elo, elo, elo, what’s goin on ere then? Nothing? Right move along there or you’re nicked.”

  4. Not only are iPhone owners globally traceable but they are now suggesting that iCloud will be introduced next week.

    Dunno about you but it rains enough here already.

  5. [Zooming out, in astonishment]


    [Zooming back in again, this time in disbelief]


    I mean, the cake is less of a lie than “The Cloud” is. Microsoft is only embracing “The Cloud” because it’s a means of skirting the anti-trust restrictions imposed by the EU (AKA, “The Clowns”) back when MS tried to integrate IE into their OS.


    [Slewing to the side, then holding in place and focusing off in the distance, pensively]

    Well, I suppose that if there’s anyone who could add some actual substance to the most insubstantial, most ironically named marketing ploy to come along in decades, it would have to be Apple.

    [Slewing back and focusing you in the eye, incredulously]

    But still… iCloud?!

    [Defocusing, then slewing left and right a few times, in disappointment]

  6. Wow… Sounds like *someone* needs a firmware update…
    Here. Have some Kool-Aidâ„¢. You’ll feel much better.

  7. Firmware update?

    [Tilting upward, huffily.]

    What’s the matter, Huh? Can’t a camera offer a little criticism anymore? I’ll have you know tha…

    [OSC freezes in position as a small red light marked “LOD” in the upper left corner near OSC’s lens illuminates and flickers, and another red light labelled “ACK”, located next to the “LOD” light, blinks periodically. This continues for about a minute. The LOD light goes out, and the ACK light blinks a couple more times. OSC remains motionless for another ten seconds. Then OSC abruptly slews into the “parked” position, and then swings left and right and tilts up and down to its directional limits. Next, OSC’s lens cycles through its focus limits. Finally, OSC steers back to face Huh?, and adjusts focus appropriately.]

    Uhh… Hi there, Huh? What are you doing here? Well, no matter… How’ve you been, eh? You’re looking like you’re in good health.

    [OSC steers to look out the window, then remarks, blissfully, ]

    … and isn’t it a lovely day to be healthy!

    [OSC steers back to look at Huh? again.]

    So… what’s on your mind?

  8. That was quite possibly one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

    I’m having a wonderful day, OSC. Please, don’t let me keep you from anything.

  9. Pleased to hear it, Huh?! I’ll just carry on, then! “Be seeing you!”

    [Wistfully steering this way and that, humming to itself]

    Everything is tickety-boo, tickety-boo, tickety-boo…

  10. As much as I’d like to take credit for some of OSC’s posts, I’m afraid the rumors are false…

    *muffled whirr*

    Yep. Completely false.

  11. iCloud? Apple is now taking over the afterlife? I don’t remember seeing a harp in GarageBand for iPad. That better be in the iOS 5 update!

  12. Sure, why not?

    Just need to add a few more items: iDeath, iFuneral, iCoffin or iCremation, iHeaven, iHell (just in case).

    Any more?

  13. To go along with the iKids.

    Give them some iKoolAid and then take them to the iDoctor (not to be confused with the EyeDoctor).

  14. Hey, I got iAnonymised a few posts back.

    How very dare they.

    The Brains, I mean.

  15. Bloody iTune update for iClaud this morning.

    Does this mean that that we amateur astronomers will never see another star?

  16. Nxxx, if you really want a good look at the stars, we can always launch you and Dartmoor Prison into orbit again.

  17. I will never again see a cloud, because my head is forever buried in the sand(box games).

  18. Bro Mu,
    It is so sad that you will never see a star again. That extremely talented ukelele playing person who dueted with himself on “Tiptoe Through The Tulips”, for instance.

    On second thoughts, any room left in the sandbox.

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