Author: John Moltz

On The Road With Howard.

Well, it’s day 10 of our quest for the Entity and I wish I could tell you it was going well.

But it isn’t.

We did find fire, though. That was kind of cool. It’s in the trunk.

And this grail thingy. Howard’s using it as a water dish.

But no enigmatic energy being.

We thought we had a hot lead outside of Denver when a couple of teenagers told us there was a cloaked figure that hung out at a local Gas-N-Sip.

But it turned out it wasn’t an energy being, it was just some dood in a cloak who said his name was Darth Silliest.

I know, I know.

I’m, like, “You mean Darth Sidious?”

And he’s, like, “No. Darth Silliest.”

And then he smiles a little and raises his eyebrows a couple of times.

Freaking weirdo.

So, now we’re just driving through the desert at night with the windows rolled down and Zeppelin blaring.

One thing that has become apparent to us is the urgency of our quest. With each mile we drive, the iPhone brings us dire tales of the horrors that robots are wreaking upon the unsuspecting masses. They attack our elderly and replace our beloved migrant workers while we sit by and do nothing.

Is it any surprise they’re getting more uppity?

I just hope something comes up soon so we can start working up a game plan to beat these binary bastards and figure out what role Apple is going to play in the Cyber Apocalypse.

Because we’re almost out of Pop Tarts. And mescaline.

I mean, I’m not adverse to switching to the LSD, I’m just not sure that’s going to provide the right chemical balance for us to find our spirit guide and…

Uh…

…

Howard, did you see that?

Was that who I thought it was?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK, I gotta go.

We just passed a hitchhiker.

And it was Don Crabb.

We’re backing up.

Welcome to Macintosh

I was lucky enough to be interviewed several weeks ago for this upcoming documentary (and, if they’re as smart as they seemed, I’ll get left on the editing room floor with the footage of Rob Enderle). Now you can now check out the trailer on You Tube.

The filmmakers are Mac users (aren’t all filmmakers?) and seemed really genuine in their desire to accurately portray the Mac-using community. Looks like good stuff.

iPhone Eve Special Coverage!

MOLTZ: Good evening and happy iPhone Eve everyone! We’ll have a special report from the scene of an AT&T store and some hands-on iPhone reviews! Yes, we’ve got an big night planned for you but first, I’m here in the CARS offices with Ugluk. And here with us is random Apple fan Dan Webber from Olympia.

WEBBER: Hello.

MOLTZ: Now, Dan, you’re something of an anomaly as you say you have absolutely no interest in buying an iPhone, is that right?

WEBBER: That’s right.

MOLTZ: OK, well, we’re going to be getting Dan drunk over the course of the evening and seeing how long it takes him to change his mind.

WEBBER: Well, that’s fine, but I assure you I don’t need an iPhone no matter what my state of inebriation is.

MOLTZ: Yeah, OK, well, Ugluk will start pouring the drinks while we go to Chet MacGruder who’s down at the AT&T store. Chet, can you tell me what it’s like down there?

MACGRUDER: Oh, my god! It’s horrible! They’re everywhere! They’re clawing at me and scrambling all over my body! Somebody call the police!

MOLTZ: Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen it sounds like we’ve got some sort of stampede of customers down at the Tacoma AT&T store trying to get iPhones…

MACGRUDER: No, no! I didn’t make it to the store! I’m three blocks away and I’m being attacked by wolverines! Aaaagh! Send someone to help me!

MOLTZ: What?

MACGRUDER: Help me! Their teeth are rending my flesh!

MOLTZ: How did you get attacked by wolverines? There aren’t any wolverines around here.

MACGRUDER: I don’t know! They just followed me off the bus! Aaaagh! My leg!

MOLTZ: [sigh] Howard, would you go down there and rescue Chet?

HOWARD: Well… I’m kind of in the middle of this sudoku.

MACGRUDER: Aaaaiiiiii!

MOLTZ: Eh, I’ll get him later. Let’s check in with Ugluk. How’s it going?

UGLUK: He have three crantinis and now he surfing Apple Store.

WEBBER: It doeshn’t mean anything. I’m jusht looking.

MOLTZ: Sure you are. OK, let’s go to Thor who’s in line to get his iPhone at… Thor, where are you again?

SAMPSON: Uh, I’m at home.

MOLTZ: You’re at home? But, Thor, we talked about you getting an iPhone.

SAMPSON: Oh, I have one.

MOLTZ: But…

SAMPSON: Steve gave me one a few weeks ago.

MOLTZ: He what?

SAMPSON: What, you didn’t think I was going to stand in line, did you? Ha-ha!

MOLTZ: Oh. OK.

SAMPSON: Didn’t Schiller send you yours yet?

MOLTZ: Uh, no. I was going to order one online. I think. If I have enough money.

SAMPSON: Oh. Well. This is… awkward.

MOLTZ: Well, anyway, why don’t you tell us what it’s like.

SAMPSON: Oh, I would, but I’m NDA-ed.

MOLTZ: What?! But it’s out now. You can’t still be NDA-ed.

SAMPSON: Oh, no, see this is the second generation iPhone.

MOLTZ: You know, you make me so mad sometimes I don’t know why I even talk to you.

SAMPSON: Yeah. I get that a lot.

MOLTZ: Ugluk. What’s the status?

UGLUK: We now up to three crantinis, one Zima and one Mud Slide…

MOLTZ: He’s kind of big with the girl drinks.

WEBBER: Oh, yeah?! Well, wadda you know?!

UGLUK: …and iPhone now in his shopping cart!

WEBBER: I’m jusht thinkin’ ’bout it! I haven’t made up my mind! Gonna look at the shpecs.

UGLUK: He better be careful. He have One Click activated!

MOLTZ: OK! Well, we’re very close there, but let’s go to Masako who… yes! I think Masako has an iPhone. Is that right?

YAMAMOTO: That’s right. I have an iPhone and I have a screwdriver. And I’m going in.

MOLTZ: What?! No!

YAMAMOTO: Yes! I’m going to find out what makes this thing tick! I’ve got the antenna plate off! Now I’m pulling off the back plate!

MOLTZ: Stop! Somebody stop her! You’re messing with forces beyond your reckoning!

YAMAMOTO: I’m opening it up! I can see… there’s a light… a brilliant, white light… Oh! It’s… beautiful!

MOLTZ: Don’t look at it, Masako! Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes, Masako!

YAMAMOTO: What?! I… AAAAAIIIII!!!

MOLTZ: Oooh.

YAMAMOTO: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

MOLTZ: Ouch. Well, she’ll be OK.

YAMAMOTO: NOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAGH!

MOLTZ: Hmm. Now, let’s check in one last time with Ugluk and see how it’s going.

UGLUK: He buy iPhone just after finishing Tequila Sunrise!

WEBBER: Oh, my god, that phone ish fricking incredible! I think I’m in love! That ish one shweet piece of hardware! I didn’t think I needed it but, boy, wash I wrong! Come to poppa, baby!

MOLTZ: Ha! Yeah, in two to four weeks! Well, there’s plenty of time for buyer’s remorse to set in there. That’s all the time we have tonight, but before we go, I have a special message for Apple fans everywhere. Wherever you are, whoever you’re standing in line with, we hope you’ll keep the true meaning of this holiest of nights… which, uh, I think is greed?

HOWARD: Avarice.

MOLTZ: Avarice! We hope you’ll keep the true meaning of iPhone Eve in your hearts not just on this night, but all throughout the year! This has been a very special Crazy Apple Rumors Report. Good night, everybody!

Strange times call for strange people.

Could be an odd week ahead what with iPhone fee-vah hitting a fee-vah pitch, so expect several posting irregularities (’cause I had the bean dip, if you know what I mean! Ha-ha!), as we may be forced to self-medicate to contain our excitement.

And, well, speaking of pitching, we’re going to Wednesday’s Mariners/Red Sox day game to see Dice-K pitch against Not Felix.

And, in this case, it’s Baek so it’s someone really not Felix.

But if you’re in desperate need of solid technology news you can always go to Fake Phil Schiller.

Or Fake Paul Thurrott.

Or Fake Rob Enderle.

Or…

Uh, fake me.

Ahem.

Anyone want to take responsibility for that last one?

Anyone?

Hmm?

Nope?

Didn’t think so.

Another cost-cutting measure

Masako had to delete the WordPress users. So, if you set one up, it’s gone. Please try to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and move on. Membership really does not bring rewards anyway.

It’s money that brings rewards. And each one of those user IDs cost us $4,500.

It’s true.

Post coming later.