Author: John Moltz

Is There In Photoshop No Beauty?

You may have seen today that some other sites have posted poor Photoshop mock-ups of a supposed Apple phone. Please be advised that this is not the phone that Apple will announce at Macworld next month.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received actual photos of the forthcoming Apple phone and it looks nothing like that.

While members of the CARS have seen the photos, we are unable to post them because of the grave danger they pose to the Apple community. The reason for this is that the Apple design process and the genius of Jonathan Ive and Steve Jobs have reached such a pinnacle that the Apple phone is so blindingly beautiful that it cannot be viewed directly without driving the viewer insane.

The photos received by CARS were first viewed by Scooter the mail room guy who opened the envelope they came in and has since been in the men’s room clawing the flesh off his face. Fortunately, Scooter suffers from severe acne and his dermatologist said this may actually improve his skin condition.

If he’s not left a drooling psycho case.

We think he’ll get better.

We hope he’ll get better.

It’s not a great way to spend the holidays, though.

The Entity is, of course, immune to the effects of viewing the Apple phone and was even able to construct a pair of protective goggles that we’ve been using to look at the pictures.

At the risk of sounding like that Gizmodo jackass, it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen. It’s not white and it’s not chrome and it’s not brushed metal…

And yet it’s all of those. And it’s all the iPod nano colors and all other colors there are and yet…

It’s no color at all.

Kinda hard to describe.

Plus it comes with a lanyard!

How cool is that?!

We’re still not sure how Apple’s planning on getting around the whole “people go insane when they look at it” thing.

They say the G4 Cube did the same thing, though, so…

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to tell you is, when you see some supposed pictures of the Apple phone, if they don’t drive you insane, then they’re just crappy Photoshop mock-ups.

That’s all.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

I wanted you all to know that the five years that I and the other staff members here have spent working on Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been really special. Your support has been overwhelming – your emails, your comments, your stopping by unannounced at 3:00 AM drunk on peppermint Schnapps – don’t think we haven’t noticed.

But as great as this has all been, it’s also been taxing. The long hours, the relentless pace of Apple rumor coverage, the all-night parties at Schiller’s house with playmates and members of the National Hockey League.

Five years is a long time.

That is why I regret to announce that I am leaving.

This is the end.

Goodbye!

…

Uh…

Good… bye!

Good…

BYE!

Dammit.

Goodbye!

What the f…

I’m sorry. I was supposed to disappear. This… damn… thing… isn’t… working.

Where the hell is that support phone number?

A: Hello, this is Mordor Support, my name is Snaga. Can I get your name, please?
Q: Uh, John Moltz.
A: And Mr. Moltz, what product can I help you with today?
Q: Well, I bought one of your Rings of Power and it was working for a while, but I was just trying to use it to make myself invisible…
A: Mmm-hmmmm. Invisibility is standard on that model.
Q: …and nothing happened.
A: OK, give me just a second here. Well, I see that you purchased your Ring over a year ago so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for free support unless you wanted to purchase MordorCare.
Q: What’s “MordorCare”?
A: MordorCare is our extended warranty service program. It extends your normal year-long warranty to an eternity.
Q: Oh. OK. What’s that going to set me back?
A: Well, I will need your eternal, undying fealty to Lord Sauron.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeaaah. Also, you’ll be forced to live in a permanent twilight world, caught somewhere between living and dead.
Q: Geez. That seems like kind of a lot.
A: Mmm.
Q: But… what am I gonna do, right? Ha-ha! I need my Ring of Power!
A: So, would you like to go ahead and purchase MordorCare?
Q: Sure.
A: Great. This will just take a second.
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: So, how’s the weather in… Tacoma?
Q: Oh… you know. Gray. It’s winter in the Northwest. How’s the weather where you are?
A: Black.
Q: Oh. Uh… huh.
A: OK, I’ve gone ahead and set you up for MordorCare. Now, just give me a second…
Q: OK.
A: So, I’m going to have you try resetting the Ring.
Q: OK, I did that before…
A: Let’s just give it a try and then I’ve got some other things to try.
Q: OK. OK. So, just take it off…
A: That’s right. Take it off and put it back on.
Q: OK.
A: Is it back on yet?
Q: Yes. It’s back on. Nothing. Still visible.
A: OK. We’re going to try resetting your ERAM.
Q: ERAM?
A: Evil RAM.
Q: I should have gotten that.
A: Take the Ring off and look inside it and you’ll see some characters. Those are words in the Black Speech of Mordor. Read those aloud.
Q: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
A: OK, now put the Ring back on again.
Q: …
A: Anything?
Q: Just me. Sitting here being not invisible.
A: Hmm. I think we’re going to have to set up an RMA.
Q: Ugh.
A: We’ll ship you a box – it’ll arrive by Nazgul Express – and what you’re going to need to do is put the Ring into the box and call for a pickup. There could be some horrible shrieking so… if you have any horses or dogs…
Q: Well, how long is the repair going to take?
A: I don’t know that, sir. It’s going to depend on what’s wrong with your Ring and the availability of parts.
Q: [sigh] It’s just that… I have this need to disappear…
A: We’ll get it back to you as soon as possible.
Q: OK. OK.
A: I’ve arranged for a Nazgul to fly straight to your home to leave the box. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Q: Uh, no. You’ve been… very helpful.
A: Well, you have a wonderful weekend and I want to thank you for buying a product from Mordor.
Q: Oh, I didn’t buy it. I strangled my cousin to get it.
A: Of course. You have a great weekend.
Q: Thanks.

Well, uh…

Looks like we’ll be back next week.

Data Refutes Forrester Report of Flagging iTunes Sales.

Contradicting interpretations of an earlier report by Forrester research, comScore Networks said today that iTunes Store sales surged 84 percent in the first three quarters of 2006.

comScore’s report was backed up by Piper Jaffray analyst Gene Munster who said iTunes sales showed “strong year over year growth.”

comScore and Munster did not explain the reason for the surge, however.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources indicate that in the first three quarters of 2006, Apple employees have spent an astounding $250 million on iTunes songs in an attempt to prop up the store’s numbers.

“I’m not even sure what I bought,” said chief operating officer Tim Cook. “There was a memo from Steve and I just just logged on and started clicking.”

“Hmm. Who’s this 2 Live Crew? Are they new? I hope it’s country and western. I like country and western.

“It’s… not country and western… is it.”

Sources also say CEO Steve Jobs downloaded the entire works of the Baha Men.

“He’s been walking around singing that song…” a source said.

“You know the song I’m talking about.

“Would someone please just shoot me now?”

Wall Street analysts indicate they don’t care where the sales come from as long as the company moves product.