Author: John Moltz

Free Crap Reminder!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site’s free crap giveaway starts tomorrow! Send an email to editor@crazyapplerumors.com with “Crap” in the subject line and you’ll be entered for our sudden death elimination drawing showdown! If you’ve already emailed us, please don’t email us again – you’re set.

Each day next week, one lucky winner will be chosen at random to receive some crap!

In preparation, we’ve updated the list of crap available from the Crazy Apple Rumors Store. These make great stocking stuffers, for those of you unable to stuff your own stockings, if you know what I mean.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to anyone.

Apple Hastily Working on iPhone.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources today indicate that Apple, despite the numerous patent claims and weeks of rock-solid reports of multiple iPhone models, only started working on the iPhone yesterday.

According to those in the know, the company had not even considered getting into the cellular phone business until it became apparent that rumors of an iPhone were not going away and that the company would be considered a failure if it didn’t produce.

“Well, we didn’t want to do one,” said Apple hardware engineer Alan Kane, “but now we kind of have to. Sheesh.

“Everyone’s all ‘Ooh, the iPhone’s got a slide-out keyboard and video and songs and it’s GSM and CDMR, M-O-U-S-E.’ And you know how Steve hates to let people down. Oh, he hates it.”

Apple is rushing to get the iPhone designed and prototyped before Macworld San Francisco next month so that it can be announced during the keynote.

Kane said it should be no problem.

“We’ll just cram. Pull a couple of nighters. We made the first iPod in a week and a half. I mean, it’s just a hard drive. And we didn’t even write the OS.

“If worse comes to worse, we’ll just mock something up with foam core board and some glue. A couple of pipe cleaners. That’s what we did with the iTV.”

Other than Kane and several senior executives and PR officials who provided background information, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Your chances of winning are dropping exponentially!

The response to our impending crap giveaway has been phenomenal! You people really love crap!

If you want to get in on the ever-decreasing odds of winning something next week, send an email to editor@crazyapplerumors.com with “Crap” in the subject line and it’ll go right into our spam filter!

And if you’re lucky, we’ll fish it out and enter you in the giant crap giveaway that will be going on all next week in celebration of our 5th Anniversary. Shirts, bumper stickers and maybe some treasures from my basement.

But not the vintage Cheryl Tiegs t-shirt. No way I’m parting with that baby. At the right moment, I’m gonna sell that on eBay and retire.

UPDATE: If you’ve already sent an email, please don’t send me another one. I can’t respond to all of these, but trust me. I’m combing the spam filter.

CARS' 5th Anniversary-A-Palooza!

A week from today, Crazy Apple Rumors Site will celebrate its 5th anniversary!

Hard to believe, isn’t it? What began in a Waffle House in Lancaster, Penn., has turned into an rumor publishing phenomenon that has seen Apple through the transition to OS X, the ascendancy of the iPod, the transition to Intel and the institution of “Pantsless Fridays” at One Infinite Loop.

The best thing about turning 5 is that we get to throw an embarrassing cake and soda pop-induced tantrum on the floor of the Tacoma Chuck E. Cheese, the likes of which has not been seen since 1993 when Brandon McCardle managed to wedge himself in the mechanism of the giant rotating mouse or rat or whatever that is, causing it to grind to a halt and forcing local firefighters to use the jaws of life to extricate him.

Interestingly, Brandon’s now a bond trader.

But more than making this just another edition of “Rumor Site Writers Gone Wild”, we want you to share in the joyous celebration. To that end, we’ll be giving away something each day next week. It’s all crap, of course, but if you’d like to get in on that there crap, send an email to editor@crazyapplerumors.com and we’ll enter you.

Uh…

That came out wrong.

Anyway, there’ll be some shirts (if you won’t buy them, then we’ll just have to give them to you to get you to wear them, dammit) and some bumper stickers and… I dunno… maybe some squid steaks or something. I’ll check the stock room and see what we have back there. The Entity’s eaten all the Baked Lay’s, but there might be a box or two of Screaming Yellow Zonkers.

There may be some special visitors, some surprises and rides for the kids.

Yep, could be ponies.

We just want to thank you for sharing our dream. A dream that started with waffles and culminated in hot, steamy sex with scores of nubile, young, rumor site groupies.

Uh…

Wait a minute…

OK, it’s cool. Just checking to see if my mom was still reading. She’s not. She’s off making her patented gingerbread cookies for the holidays.

So, in conclusion, hot lesbian sex.

Thank you.

…

What was I talking about again?

So long, suckers!

Well, now…

Fortunately, someone in the comments of yesterday’s post wrote something so money that we really needn’t have even gotten out of bed. Frankly, we wish more of you commenters would make yourselves useful around here. You don’t all have to be witty. You could make some coffee or go out for donuts or something.

Setting an example for the rest of you slackers, commenter Rip Ragged came up with some absolutely filthy technology-inspired porn.

….her warm, moist vista engulfed my turgid Zune. “Ubuntu, ubuntu,” she repeated as she climbed from a husky whisper to a shrieking, wildly bucking crescendo, “UBUNTU, UBUNTU.”

I collapsed in her arms and murmured into her ear, “Welcome to the social.”

That’s either our first or second favorite dirty comment of all time. Probably second because it’s technically impossible as the Zune is actually currently incompatible with Vista (or maybe that just makes it dirtier). We won’t tell you what the other comment was but it involved Hello Kitty and the Japanese word for something very naughty.

So, flush with the warm glow of Rip Ragged’s torrid opus, you should be set for the next ten days. Those of you in the states, have a happy Thanksgiving.

For those of you elsewhere…

Carry on.