Author: John Moltz

Welcome To Crazy Ubuntu Rumors Site!

Joining the recent trend of Mac users switching to Ubuntu, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is pleased to announce that it is changing its name to Crazy Ubuntu Rumors Site! Yes, with the switching of one uber-geek after another, we’ve decided to get in on the ground floor of this sea change. Henceforth, this site will be solely dedicated to rumors about the Ubuntu operating system.

While “CURS” doesn’t have quite the ring to it that “CARS” did, we’re confident that you’ll see fit to join the increasing number of people who are switching to Ubuntu.

Ubuntu!

For those of you unfamiliar with Ubuntu, Ubuntu switchers and Ubuntu-mania, please look for our upcoming 132-part series entitled “What The Fuck Is ‘Ubuntu’ And Why The Fuck Would I Want To Recompile My Applications Myself? I Mean, Who The Fuck Am I? Fucking Linus Torvalds? Fuck.”

That’s, um, just a working title.

It might be longer.

We here at Crazy Ubuntu Rumors Site feel this announcement is particularly apt on the eve of the 4th of July, as we “declare our independence” from the “tyranny” of Apple’s “oppressive” DRM and proprietary data formats!

Ha-ha!

Ubuntu!

As a matter of fact, in a symbolic gesture of our newfound independence from Apple, we’ve taken our PowerBooks, iMacs and Power Macs and dumped them in Tacoma’s Commencement Bay!

Which was…

Um…

Well, that was a really stupid thing to do.

I mean, we didn’t realize this at the time, but we could have actually run Ubuntu on those.

Who knew? I just thought we’d call up Ubuntu Computers and order a bunch of new Ubuntus with the Ubuntu OS installed on their Ubuntu-formatted hard drives.

I guess we just got caught up in Ubuntu fever.

By which I mean the metaphorical “fever” experienced by enthusiasts of the Ubuntu operating system and not the actual “Ubuntu fever” which is an obscure but deadly type of flesh-eating virus found in the Congo.

Well, anyway, that’s all behind us now, and we’re eager to get started! So, if you’ve got Ubuntu rumors, please send them our way!

But not tomorrow. Tomorrow we’ll be off while we get some new hardware – probably at some crazy Ubuntu Store 4th of July sale I’d imagine. Then we’ll be spending hours upon hours editing a whole mess of files to get stuff like sleep and OpenGL to work and then recompiling some other shit and downloading GIMP and OpenOffice and learning C and, I dunno, FORTRAN or something.

For some reason I think you need to know FORTRAN.

…

It’s gonna be so boss!

Ubuntu!

[Editor’s Note: Since the posting of this article, we’ve realized that there really isn’t much of a business model in building a site around rumors about an open source operating system.

There… there just aren’t any.

It’s open source.

I mean… that… that should have been kind of obvious.

Uh…

…

Damn, I really wish I hadn’t thrown my PowerBook into the bay.]

Fun in the Sun

Hey! The weather’s great in Tacoma and we’ve officially declared it “Fun in the Sun” days here at the top secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters! Here’s our itinerary for the week:

MONDAY: Schiller’s coming over for barbecued bison burgers and beers!

TUESDAY: Driving all night until we get to John Dvorak’s place, with the top down and the music blaring and the hydraulic-converted 1963 Chevy Impala all hoppin’, wearing our sleeveless t-shirts and our sunglasses – even though it’s totally dark out and stuff but we’re just that cool – and leanin’ out of the car and clankin’ some Coke bottles together and yellin’ “Dvooooooooooorak! C’mout-n-plaaaaay-ay!”

And then pretty much turning around and driving all the way home, leaving him standing on his porch in his bathrobe totally freaked out.

WEDNESDAY: Sprinting barefoot back and forth across the parking lot yelling “OUCH! OWIE! HOT! HOT! OWIE! OOCH! OUCH! OUCH! HOT!” with a MacBook Pro strapped to each foot.

THURSDAY: Drinking mojitos and watching Amanda Congdon and Masako engage in a 3-hour-long topless slow kiss in the CARS pool.

FRIDAY: Realizing Thursday was just an alcohol-inspired dream sequence, but not really minding because – at the end of the day – we’ll still have the memories.

Sounds like a full week! Which means, of course, we won’t have time for monitoring rumors or checking for Apple press releases or posting or, really, bathing.

But… you understand.

…

What?

You don’t?

Oh.

Well… I…

Oh, hey, Phil! Have a delicious Mirror Pond Pale Ale™!

[This edition of Crazy Apple Rumors Site will, if we have anything to say about it, one day be brought to you by Deschutes Brewery, makers of Mirror Pond Pale Ale™.]

Crazy Apple Rumors Staff on the DL.

No Crazy Apple Help Desk today as the entire staff has been afflicted by one ailment or the other.

Let’s check the roster.

30-Day DL

Thor Samson, Columnist – Torn labrum requiring season-ending shoulder surgery.

Masako Yamamoto, Web Designer – Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevah.

Feevah.

15-Day DL

Ugluk, Contributing Reporter – Lobster hands.

Not sure how that happened. They say it should just go away, though.

Howard the talking dog, Photographer – Flea and tick infestation.

Actually, Ugluk has this, too.

John Moltz, Editor In Chief – Severe lower back injury caused by putting a binder up on a shelf.

Day To Day

Chet MacGruder, Reporter – 24-hour elephantitis.

The Entity, Financier – Click of death.

So we’ll be back on Monday, with a whole new attitude!

Um, but be forewarned, it might be a bad attitude.

Apple's Retail Success Due To Magical Spreadsheet.

[Because of a disagreement between staff reporter Chet MacGruder and myself over sourcing for today’s story on Apple’s retail success, the Entity decided we should run both stories. Personally, I couldn’t care less. If MacGruder wants to continue to embarrass himself by getting his rumors from Gordy down at the Gas-N-Sip, that’s fine with me.

People seem to keep reading them, so it’s no skin off my back. Anyway, my rumor is, like, double sourced from Schiller and, um… Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

OK, not really, but I’m totally sure it’s accurate. Totally.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of a magical spreadsheet.

According to Apple Senior Accountant Glenn Theisen, any numbers he inputs into the magical spreadsheet simply become the Apple retail sales figures for the month.

“I type the figures in here,” Theisen said, demonstrating, “And through the powers of the dark arts, our retail stores will generate exactly those figures in sales.

“ALL HAIL SATAN!” Theisen cried out, falling to his knees and raising his arms in supplication.

After a moment, Theisen picked himself up, saying “Actually, I’m a Presbyterian. I really shouldn’t do that.”

Theisen first created the magical retail spreadsheet in 2001 when Apple launched its first retail stores and it has been in effect ever since.

Asked if were possible that his “magical” spreadsheet was actually simply mistakenly linked to by another spreadsheet that then fed the numbers directly into Apple’s SAP accounting system instead of the real numbers from Apple’s stores, Theisen coughed nervously.

“Actually, um, that occured to me. But I’ve kind of been afraid to check. I’m more comfortable with the magical spreadsheet theory.”

Theisen then returned to his cube where he kept his head as far below the wall as possible.

Crushing your soul, one little angel at a time

Good news is, Apple ripped Ringo a new one and won in the Apple vs. Apple Corps suit.

Doesn’t it remind you of those super-hero crossovers where Spider-Man fights the Fantastic Four or something? You’re both so good. Why are you fighting? They almost always turn out to be over a misunderstanding. Or mind control. I wonder which one this was over?

Bad news is, it’s “Fricking get some shit done already” week here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site and, sadly, the activity known as “posting” is not a member of the “shit” set. Howard needs a tick bath, the Entity’s CD collection isn’t going to rip itself, Masako needs to work on some ad coding, Ugluk caught a mammoth over the weekend he’s got to gut and skin (at least he said it was a mammoth, but I’m a little suspicious as the Point Defiance Zoo is missing an elephant), Thor’s performing the first all-nude open-heart surgery at the Mayo Clinic, Chet’s making cut-out dolls of all the Apple executives and I’m learning how to win friends and influence people…

THROUGH THE POWERS OF VOODOO!

…

It’s a… correspondence course.

Anyway, we’ll be around and we’ll check in from time to time. See how you’re doing. Maybe bring you a casserole. That kind of thing.

In the comments, please tell us the deep, dark fear that lurks inside you.

Other than us taking a week off.