Author: John Moltz

Editorial: France Full Of Stupid Stupidheads Who Are Stupid.

According to Wikipedia, France is “a country whose metropolitan territory is located in Western Europe, and that is further made up of a collection of overseas islands and territories located in other continents.”

But, alas, that is but half the story.

For France is also full of stupid stupidheads who are stupid.

There is little substance to the French government’s argument that Apple’s iTunes Music Store represents a monopoly threat.

Despite the many, many blog posts, forum comments and drunken barroom rants crowing “Apple’s got the monopoly now, baybee!” and “How’s it feel now that the foot’s on the other shoe [sic], Windoze loozahs?!” and “Hey, while you were in the bathroom, I dunked my testicles in that beer you just drank out of, Robert Scoble!” there is no real evidence that Apple has a monopoly on digital music players or online music sales.

[Editor: Seriously, stop that, you guys. None of the other people in the bar want to see your testicles – let alone see you dunk them in anything – even if it is Scoble’s beer. Which is hilarious by the way. But still… cut it out.]

Anyone who has followed the technology industry knows that Microsoft is the monopolistic tyrant and Apple is the embattled underdog. It’s established technology industry canon. Perhaps the French government – drunk on fine wines and gorged on tasty pastries – fell asleep during the last twenty minutes of Pirates of Silicon Valley, but the rest of us didn’t.

I, for example, never saw it at all.

Anthony Michael Hall gives me hives.

But in summary, the French government would do well to consider what happened to Marie Antoinette when she famously said of the French people “Let them use Rios”, or the 18th century equivalent thereof.

I don’t know the whole story but I believe she was fined quite substantially.

Rumor Sites Fail To Step Up.

It is with great sadness that I must take to the keyboard to discuss the current state of the Mac rumor sites.

Some times it as if only this rumor site – the one you’re reading right now – sees what is going on.

Last week, Apple confirmed that it would announce some “fun new products” tomorrow and the rumor community has responded with a dial tone – as if it were asleep at the switch.

So far the most “exciting” rumor is that Apple will announce an iPod boom box. Apple Insider even speculated that the company would release an AIDS awareness iPod.

An AIDS awareness iPod.

Because we all know how much fun AIDS is.

Look, this is pathetic. I’ve never been more ashamed to be part of the Mac rumor community than I am right now. And believe me, over the years there have been more than one opportunity to be really embarrassed.

Like that time Nick de Plume predicted Apple would release iPod socks and Apple did, in fact, release iPod socks. I mean, holy crap, that’s just embarrassing for both Nick and Apple because… you know… iPod socks, fer crissake.

Clearly Apple has challenged us yet again and CARS will not only meet that challenge, but we will beat the living shit out of it with a baseball bat and dump its lifeless corpse in an unmarked grave in the desert for the scorpions to lay their eggs in.

That’s just how we roll.

Scorpions. We roll with scorpions.

Small “s.” Not the… the band…

Anyway, without further ado, let us bring you our prediction for tomorrow’s “fun” announcement.

Ah, there’s the key. “Fun.” What’s “fun”? Yes, many of our many readers will point out that sex is fun (particularly in groups… and with fruits and vegetables), but… sexbots? Apple failed to meet our sexbot challenge 4 years ago and there’s no reason to think that they’re any more up to the task now.

So what else is fun?

Well… monkeys are fun. Monkeys in little hats.

Yes. That’s it. Monkeys in little hats.

Now, we did not come to this decision lightly. There was some concern amongst the CARS staff that monkeys in little hats – while fun! – may be played out. Seriously, you can’t shake a stick without hitting a monkey in a little hat.

But let’s look at the lesson of the iPod. It wasn’t the first MP3 player to the market, but it was the first to take the market to its full potential.

We believe Apple could do the same with monkeys in little hats.

While the concept may seem a little tired now, the MP3 player market – populated by low-capacity flash-based products that broke easily and had difficult-to-use interfaces and smelled badly – seemed tired in the fall of 2001.

Apple could own the market for funny monkeys in little hats. Monkeys in little hats with the legendary Apple ease of use and reputation for quality. People would love that.

So, what’s it going to be, Apple? Are you up to it?

Are you up to…

…monkeys?

In…

…little hats?

I hope so, because seeing those little monkeys running around in little hats with Apple logos on them…!!!

Ha-ha-ha!

No post today

Today is the day when we here in the States celebrate our favorite dead presidents.

Harrison Ford and David Palmer.

Wait, that’s not right.

Harrison Ford’s not dead.

Still, he was a great president in Air Force One. And, to all you kiddies out there, in the real Star Wars, Han Solo shot Greedo before Greedo inexplicably fires over his fricking shoulder. I mean, how stupid is that? Greedo’s a fricking bounty hunter and he shoots like three feet over Solo’s shoulder.

Lucas is such a wanker.

That’s why we don’t celebrate him today.

…

Well…

Anyway…

No post today.

I dunno.

What do you think?