Category: Apple Executives

Johnny Appleseed Leaves Apple

In a shocking announcement, long-time Apple employee Johnny Appleseed has left the company to join a startup in the social networking industry.

Apple PR officials curtly confirmed the move made by the iconic employee who has been used as the representative product user in Apple demos for years.

“Mr. Appleseed no longer works at Apple,” the company said in a brief statement.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that Appleseed has taken a position as a “Marketing and Brand Ninja” at Pltz.com (pronounced “Plotz dot com”).

Interviewed at his new place of employment, Appleseed said he felt the time was right for a change.

“I don’t know if you’re heard, but Tim Cook’s no Steve Jobs,” Appleseed said. “I mean, not that I interacted with Steve. Or Tim. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Apple’s done innovating. ‘iPhone 5’? Puh-leez. Also, I just felt like trying something different. Something, uh, without health care, apparently. I didn’t actually know that before I accepted the position.”

Asked if there was any bad blood between him and Apple, Appleseed was frank.

“I felt like I was just a joke to them! ‘Oh! Your name is Appleseed! We should use you in all of our demos, hahahaha!’ Jesus. Screw you guys.”

Appleseed expressed enthusiasm for the change and thought Pltz.com was going to be the big success story in the social networking space over the next five years.

“We’re kind of the Sharepoint of Facebook, so…”

From across the room a coworker corrected Appleseed. “Dude, no. The venture capitalists nixed that. We’re the Pinterest of… uh… HEY, JERRRY! WHAT ARE WE THE PINTEREST OF?”

“LINKEDIN!”

“Right. We’re the Pinterest of LinkedIn.”

Appleseed stared at him blankly for a minute and then said “I get to wear a lot of hats here. It’s exciting. You can just… say I said that.”

Apple declined to comment on who might replace Appleseed in demos in the future, but a new jobs opening for someone with “an Apple-themed name” on the company’s web site indicated the company is recruiting for the position.

The Stan Sigman Experience

The world of mobile telecommunications was shocked this morning to discover that former AT&T Mobility CEO Stan Sigman is not the man people thought he was.

Just 12 hours after the event honoring his induction into the Wireless Hall of Fame and his rambling 5-hour acceptance speech, Stan Sigman was revealed to be not a man at all but a piece of performance art.

Speaking to gathered media, San Francisco performance artist Julian Leflaunt said that for the past 40 years, he has been playing the part of “Stan Sigman” as part of a piece entitled “Corporate ‘Leadership’ and The Folly of the American Enterprise”.

“I created everything about Stan,” said Leflaunt. “From his horrible public speaking ability to his post-retirement goatee.”

Working as a Bell stockman the 1960s, Leflaunt says, he became aware of the vapid nature of our vaunted executive class.

“I was determined to show the CEO for what he was: a long-winded oaf concerned with nothing more than achieving personal glory off the back of the worker. These emperors of our economy have no clothes, I thought, and I set out to devote my life to showing them to the rest of the world as I saw them.”

Cleverly manipulating the bureaucracy at Bell, Leflaunt recast himself as “Stan Sigman”, the name being a play on “standard signal man”, which the artist says represented the conformity enforced by corporate America on the proletariat.

So his life’s work began. But then, Leflaunt said, something strange happened.

“As much as I wanted to hate him, I grew to love Stan,” he said. “My feelings for him as a rising CEO did not change — I still believed him to be the most useless of cogs in the capitalist machine — but as a person I found him to be sympathetic and even tragic. His love of golf for its moments of platonic camaraderie and closeness with other men, a closeness he always craved from his father but never got. His passion for quarter horses, driven by his recurring childish fantasies of being a cowboy on the frontier of the late 1800s. The more I rounded out his character, the sadder he became to me.”

Leflaunt admits that the piece got out of hand.

“I really had no intentions of carrying it on for more than 40 years,” Leflaunt said. “But I couldn’t stop. I needed to see how it ended! And then the iPhone deal just fell into my lap.”

Leflaunt was concerned the deal was almost his undoing.

“I was frightened that I had overplayed my hand at Macworld Expo in 2007,” Leflaunt said. “I wanted to deliver a truly dreadful speech, I felt that was important to the piece, but when I shook Steve Jobs’ hand after I was done, I thought I saw him give me a look. I flew home in a cold sweat.”

For his part, Jobs says he was completely unaware that the man he had worked with on the most significant product release of the decade was an utter fabrication.

“I had no idea,” said a disbelieving Steve Jobs. “I mean, one time he was chuckling in the middle of a meeting for no discernible reason, but… wow. Incredible. My hat’s off to him.

“Anyway, this totally voids our exclusivity deal with AT&T so… Verizon iPhone in January.”

Asked what he will work on next, Leflaunt says he plans on taking his first vacation in 40 years, claiming the others were in character so they don’t count. Then he plans to devote time to cat memes on the Internet.

“That’s where all the cutting-edge work is being done nowadays,” he said.

A failure of ethics in journalism

Steve Jobs stopped at Japan airport for having Ninja throwing stars – The Loop

Apple CEO Steve Jobs was reportedly stopped at Japan’s Kansai International Airport because a security scan detected weapons in his luggage.

The weapons were Ninja throwing stars that Jobs was bringing back to the U.S. According to SPA Magazine,

Frankly, Roosevelt’s illness and in the 1960’s helped cover up Kennedy’s philandering, he’s still Superman.

But shame on Jim for not mentioning he was going to do this on the elite Apple press email list we all belong to. We here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site (which, by the way, Wired, is trademarked in the state of Washington) have known of this incident since it happened back in July. But we did what good reporters do: we covered it up.

That’s our commitment to you: covering up the stuff you really shouldn’t know about.