QuickTime Live Attendees Wish Schiller Had Pled The Fifth.

Attendees at this week’s QuickTime Live Conference in Beverly Hills almost unanimously expressed their belief that the conference would have been better had Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing, Phil Schiller, exercised his Fifth Amendment rights.

Mark Wallace, a 37-year-old video production engineer, indicated that Schiller’s on-stage presence, or lack thereof, was a primary factor behind the conclusion of the attendees. “Let’s just say Phil’s no Steve (Jobs),” Wallace said. “Steve could sell crack to the Amish if he wanted, but Phil… sheesh.”

Beth Myers, a 32-year-old media consultant, agreed with Wallace. “There’s no real reason Phil has to speak at these events,” Myers noted. “If (Enron CEO) Ken Lay doesn’t have to speak before Congress, why should Schiller have to speak here? Why doesn’t he just plead the Fifth, too?”

Computer industry and legal experts believe Schiller could invoke his rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution under the argument that Schiller’s own lack of presentation ability could be construed as bearing “witness against himself.”

“I’d certainly support that,” Myers added. “I was jabbing myself with a pen to stay awake.”

24-year-old web designer Miguel Rojas suggested alternative solutions. “Maybe he could file a report and we could just read it,” Rojas said. “Or, Apple could hire someone like Jeff Goldblum to deliver the presentation. Or that dancing guy from the iPod ad. I’ve never heard him speak but he’s got to be better.”

Apple PR representative Cynthia McLaren acknowledged a problem with Schiller’s presentation style, but said the Apple VP has no intentions of exercising his Fifth Amendment rights in lieu of fulfilling “a very important part of his duties.”

“He’s gone to some classes,” McLaren confided, “But nothing really seems to take. He’s signed up for acting camp this summer. Maybe that will help.”

Other strategies Apple has tried to improve Schiller’s presentations include singing lessons, a membership with Toastmasters International, and having him practice in front of a mirror.

4th Grader Already Tired of Woz's Stories.

It’s not even half way through the school year, and already 4th grader Mark Averill is tired of Steve Wozniak’s stories of how he co-founded Apple Computer. Wozniak volunteers his time to work with children and support the computer environment in the Los Gatos, CA school district and often recounts his tales of the early days of Apple to eager audiences. But after three months of repetition, Wozniak’s stories are wearing thin, according to Averill.

“The first day of class, Ms. McReedy introduced us to Mr. Wozniak, and he told us the whole story about the garage and Xerox and the mouse,” a visibly bored Averill explained. “It was pretty interesting the first time around, but that was like, September.”

Since then, Wozniak has continued to repeat the same tales again and again. Fellow classmate Sabrena Harris agrees with Averill’s assessment.

“He’s nice enough and he helps out a lot with the computers but jeez…” Harris complained. “Last week we had a problem printing from the purple computer and the whole time he was working on it, he kept blabbing about the time he wrote the first printer driver for the Apple II.” Harris added “I just wanted to print my pony picture, not hear some dumb old-guy story about stuff that happened in the middle ages.”

When reached for comment, Wozniak appeared oblivious to the students’ reaction. “The kids love my stories!” Wozniak beamed. “The kids are great to work with and I think it’s good for them to have positive role models! Just the other day I chatted with an impromptu group for almost 3 hours after school. It’s rewarding to see them take their own time to learn about the early days of Apple.”

Wozniak’s enthusiasm was apparently not shared by the students involved in the “impromptu group”. According to sources within the 4th grade that did not wish to be identified, students were either under the impression that they were required to attend or simply felt uncomfortable asking to be allowed to leave.