Category: Apple Executives

Apple Executives Selling Stock, Buying Puppy.

According to documents filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission in the last several weeks, three senior Apple executives are seeking to sell blocks of company stock totaling roughly $19.5 million. This action has prompted rampant speculation as to their motive for selling the stock. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned from sources close to the executives that they intend to pool their resources to buy a puppy.

Apple Senior Vice President for Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller indicated that Senior Vice President for Applications Sina Tamaddon, Chief Financial Officer Fred Anderson and General Counsel Nancy Heinen are involved in the puppy-buying plan.

“I think this is a big mistake,” Schiller said. “I told them that a puppy is a huge responsibility that you can’t just throw $19.5 million at. Who’s going to feed it? Who’s going to walk it? These three don’t have the first clue as to what it takes to care for a dog.”

Shaking his head, Schiller added “I just see this ending badly.”

Tamaddon, Anderson and Heinen seem oblivious to the obvious pitfalls of dog ownership.

“He’s going to be my bestest pal,” Anderson said. “I’m going to teach him all kinds of tricks like how to fetch… and how to catch a Frisbee and… and… yeah. It’s gonna be great.”

Tamaddon expressed a similar sentiment and even went so far as to predict the puppy would like him better than the other two Apple executives. “My neighbor has a dog that likes me a lot,” Tamaddon said, “so I know this puppy’s going to really like me.”

Compounding the inherent problems with the puppy-buying plan are major disagreements over who will get the puppy when and even what to name the puppy.

Anderson, who brings $10.4 million of the $19.5 million to the table, feels he should have the coveted weekend days with the puppy, based on his larger financial stake. Tamaddon and Heinen feel weekend access to the puppy should be handled on a rotational basis.

Tamaddon prefers the name “Barky”, while Anderson likes “Scratch” and Heinen favors “Poochie”.

“They haven’t even realized yet that they need to pick a breed,” an exasperated Phil Schiller said. “I can tell Nancy thinks this is going to be a toy dog and Sina and Fred are thinking more like a Golden Retriever. They’re on completely different pages.”

Schiller indicated that Apple CEO Steve Jobs has even tried to talk the executives out of the plan. However, when he broached the subject at a staff meeting, the three began yelling “Puppy! Yeah, puppy! Hurray!” before Jobs could even begin to state his case.

Schiller believes that there is still a good chance the puppy-buying plan will fail to materialize.

“The last time I talked to Nancy she said something about how what she really wanted was a kitten,” Schiller said. “We just need to get them off this puppy subject.”

“We’re all going to Disneyland for Memorial Day. Maybe that will distract them.”

QuickTime Live Attendees Wish Schiller Had Pled The Fifth.

Attendees at this week’s QuickTime Live Conference in Beverly Hills almost unanimously expressed their belief that the conference would have been better had Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing, Phil Schiller, exercised his Fifth Amendment rights.

Mark Wallace, a 37-year-old video production engineer, indicated that Schiller’s on-stage presence, or lack thereof, was a primary factor behind the conclusion of the attendees. “Let’s just say Phil’s no Steve (Jobs),” Wallace said. “Steve could sell crack to the Amish if he wanted, but Phil… sheesh.”

Beth Myers, a 32-year-old media consultant, agreed with Wallace. “There’s no real reason Phil has to speak at these events,” Myers noted. “If (Enron CEO) Ken Lay doesn’t have to speak before Congress, why should Schiller have to speak here? Why doesn’t he just plead the Fifth, too?”

Computer industry and legal experts believe Schiller could invoke his rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution under the argument that Schiller’s own lack of presentation ability could be construed as bearing “witness against himself.”

“I’d certainly support that,” Myers added. “I was jabbing myself with a pen to stay awake.”

24-year-old web designer Miguel Rojas suggested alternative solutions. “Maybe he could file a report and we could just read it,” Rojas said. “Or, Apple could hire someone like Jeff Goldblum to deliver the presentation. Or that dancing guy from the iPod ad. I’ve never heard him speak but he’s got to be better.”

Apple PR representative Cynthia McLaren acknowledged a problem with Schiller’s presentation style, but said the Apple VP has no intentions of exercising his Fifth Amendment rights in lieu of fulfilling “a very important part of his duties.”

“He’s gone to some classes,” McLaren confided, “But nothing really seems to take. He’s signed up for acting camp this summer. Maybe that will help.”

Other strategies Apple has tried to improve Schiller’s presentations include singing lessons, a membership with Toastmasters International, and having him practice in front of a mirror.

4th Grader Already Tired of Woz's Stories.

It’s not even half way through the school year, and already 4th grader Mark Averill is tired of Steve Wozniak’s stories of how he co-founded Apple Computer. Wozniak volunteers his time to work with children and support the computer environment in the Los Gatos, CA school district and often recounts his tales of the early days of Apple to eager audiences. But after three months of repetition, Wozniak’s stories are wearing thin, according to Averill.

“The first day of class, Ms. McReedy introduced us to Mr. Wozniak, and he told us the whole story about the garage and Xerox and the mouse,” a visibly bored Averill explained. “It was pretty interesting the first time around, but that was like, September.”

Since then, Wozniak has continued to repeat the same tales again and again. Fellow classmate Sabrena Harris agrees with Averill’s assessment.

“He’s nice enough and he helps out a lot with the computers but jeez…” Harris complained. “Last week we had a problem printing from the purple computer and the whole time he was working on it, he kept blabbing about the time he wrote the first printer driver for the Apple II.” Harris added “I just wanted to print my pony picture, not hear some dumb old-guy story about stuff that happened in the middle ages.”

When reached for comment, Wozniak appeared oblivious to the students’ reaction. “The kids love my stories!” Wozniak beamed. “The kids are great to work with and I think it’s good for them to have positive role models! Just the other day I chatted with an impromptu group for almost 3 hours after school. It’s rewarding to see them take their own time to learn about the early days of Apple.”

Wozniak’s enthusiasm was apparently not shared by the students involved in the “impromptu group”. According to sources within the 4th grade that did not wish to be identified, students were either under the impression that they were required to attend or simply felt uncomfortable asking to be allowed to leave.