Apple and Cisco in Talks on iPhone Trademark.

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Apple and Cisco are reportedly in late talks attempting to salvage a deal on the iPhone trademark before the matter heads to court.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has a transcript of the latest meeting that provides a heady look into the head-to-head negotiations between these two technology powerhouses.

APPLE: I have been forced to succumb to your childish attempts to get my attention and I now bring an offer I believe you cannot refuse.

CISCO: Unlikely, as your past entreaties have been as meaningless to my senses as the collected works of Rob Schneider. But speak.

APPLE: Hear now my words and witness your own undoing. $750,000, lunch at the fast-food establishment of your choice and the original cloak and blaster from a 1981 Star Wars Jawa collectible action figure. I know you have the action figure but are missing the cloak and blaster! Ah-ha! I have you!

CISCO: Ha! Again we see that there is nothing you have that I want, whereas something precious to you is in my possession. For I traded the Jawa for a cloak and lightsaber for my Luke Skywalker action figure last week!

APPLE: Blast! That would explain why Google approached me on Monday about the Jawa cloak and blaster.

CISCO: Well, if our business is at an end here…

APPLE: No! Wait.

CISCO: Ah, you have more shiny baubles to dangle before me, as if I were some country bumpkin fresh to the big city?

APPLE: Mock if you will, but consider this: $1,000,000, a case of Mickey’s Big Mouths and an original Major Matt Mason action figure, with his internal wires all still intact! Now, give me the iPhone trademark!

CISCO: Does he still have his helmet? And is there any paint chipping?

APPLE: He does have his helmet but there is some light chipping around the buttocks.

CISCO: Unacceptable. Clearly this means more to you than it does to me. You must do better.

APPLE: Very well. I have saved the best for last. $1,500,000, a huge bucket of delicious kettle corn and a 1978 issue of the Space: 1999 comic book pencilled by none other than the legendary John Byrne! Bagged and boarded! Let’s make a deal!

CISCO: Mmm. No. No. Byrne’s work has not aged well as the influence of Japanese anime has improved the medium. I grow tired of these discussions and wish to watch Adult Swim.

APPLE: No! It is I who grow tired and wish to retire to my fainting couch and have my feet massaged by bisexual Thai handmaidens!

CISCO: Ooh! I want that, too! And Adult Swim!

APPLE: Well, at least on this we agree.

CISCO: But I still don’t want you to use “iPhone”.

APPLE: Damn you to hell!

CISCO: Ha-ha! I’m the anthropomorphization of a soulless commercial and legal construct known as the corporation! I hardly think that’s going to happen!

APPLE: Still, your torments will be long and painful, wherever they are carried out.

CISCO: Oh, you say that to everyone who sues you.

APPLE: [sigh] Perhaps.

CISCO: Hmm. Well… let me see the Major Matt Mason.

APPLE: I… don’t have him on me…

CISCO: Oh, come on! It’s like you’re not even trying!

Apple and Cisco were reportedly last seen at a Shakey’s, arguing over what toppings to get on a pizza they were splitting.

iPhone Has Muliple Uses.

Followers of Apple already know that the iPhone will, in the words of Steve Jobs, allow you to “touch” your music and your contacts.

But entrepreneurs in the adult entertainment industry have realized that Apple’s new device will also allow you to touch something else: your porn.

“Apple has created an all-new and exciting means of interacting with your porn,” said adult content producer Max Stuph. “For years we’ve only dreamed of being able to produce top-quality hardcore that users could actually pinch and spread, and now, thanks to Apple, that dream has become reality.”

Stuph indicated that his firm, Big Stuph Inc., is working on an interactive system that provides real-time feedback based on the user’s gestures on the iPhone’s multi-touch display.

Stuph said the feedback is not limited to but could consist of any of the following:

  • Movement of various body parts.
  • Enlargement of various body parts.
  • Moaning.
  • Cries of such things as “Ooh, you’re nasty!” or “Ooh, I’m nasty!” or “Ooh, the starting line-up of the Sacramento Kings is nasty!
  • The sudden presence of fluids.

Asked if he was concerned about Apple’s statements that third party developer applications would be required to be closely vetted by Apple, Stuph shook his head.

“We feel confident that we can work with Apple to get our software certified on their hardware. The process for which I know little about, but I imagine will be really hot.

“I think we’ve got a lot to offer the people at Apple who would be making those kinds of decisions, you know? I think we have a lot to bring to the party. I think the people at Apple will enjoy working with us.

“What I mean is, I know a lot of women who will have sex with people for money. Just in case I’m being too obtuse.”

Stuph went on to say that while he was sure that Steve Jobs, Phil Schiller and Jonathan Ive “do OK”, he thought “that Donald Rosenberg probably needs to get laid.”

Apple declined to comment for this story but was showing some interest in Stuph’s proposal.

If you know what I mean.

Apple Community to Apple: This Relationship Is Smothering Us.

While most Apple fans heralded the coming of the iPhone, its announcement has prompted many in the community to wonder if Apple is starting to expect too much from us.

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life said “First they asked me to love the Mac and I did. Then they asked me to love the iPod. So, yeah, sure, OK, I love the iPod.

“Now I have to love the iPhone? What’s next? Are they going to get a cat? I hate cats. And then they want me to meet their parents and then they want to move in with me.”

Others in the community echoed King’s concerns about where this relationship is going.

“Everything was going along just fine and then Steve starts getting all weepy,” said MacCentral’s Jim Dalrymple. “I hate it when you get into a relationship with someone and all of a sudden, out of fricking nowhere, they get all weepy on you. What a bunch of emotional blackmail crap. He’s just trying to manipulate me and I’m not playing along with these psycho mind games.”

Dalrymple paused for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Steve. I’m just… I’m just dealing with some shit of my own right now. I’m sorry. I’ll buy an iPhone. Just… stop crying. OK?”

The Apple community expressed surprise at the company’s recent turn toward clinginess and had wondered aloud if maybe it was time for it to just be apart from the company for a little while.

Then, however, it got drunk, went on a late-night shopping spree at the Apple Store and woke up the next to senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson.