Category: Macs

Yet another Apple nay-sayer has fallen afoul of the one member of the Macintosh community that everyone wishes would just go away.

According to a blog post by George Ou (link via Daring Fireball), Artie MacStrawman is at it again.

Ou claims that MacStrawman disparaged the character of the security professionals who are quoted as having claimed to have wirelessly hacked Apple’s Airport drivers, a claim refuted by Apple.

Further, Ou says that MacStrawman threatened to kill one of the professionals – David Maynor – and his imaginary dog.

Mac users will remember MacStrawman as the Mac user who:

• Says the Mac is utterly invulnerable to any and all malicious attack.
• Mindlessly worships Steve Jobs.
• Blindly buys anything Apple releases no matter how dumb and stupid and dumb it is.
• Refuses to accept that Windows might be better at anything. Even being Windows.
• Emails death threats to anyone who disagrees with him.

Daring Fireball’s John Gruber said “I just wish that guy’d switch to Windows or Ubuntu or something.

“But… he’s Artie MacStrawman. So I guess that’s not going to happen.”

Complicating matters is the fact that MacStrawman may have initiated the entire controversy. According to Maynor, it was MacStrawman’s argument that the Mac is utterly impregnable to attack that caused him to hack a MacBook using a third-party wireless card and driver and then claim that he could do the same thing with an Airport card and driver without actually having tried it.

Maynor did admit that he was the first to issue a threat, saying that he wanted to stick a lit cigarette into MacStrawman’s eye.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Maynor said. “It’s just that that guy really bugs me.”

At least on this point, Maynor and the Mac community can agree. Artie MacStrawman bugs everyone.

Apple Computer today said that it is ramping up production to fulfill the largest single order ever placed in the company’s storied history: one billion McBoookS that will be shipped to a post office box in Lagos, Nigeria, and paid for by cashier’s check.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “This single order justifies the sleepless nights of many thousands of Apple employees, and our decision to switch to Intel processors. We’re thrilled by this out-of-the-blue relationship with our new biggest client.”

The order, received via email along with what appeared to be several thousand similar orders – which Apple believes must have been an accidental duplication – asked for the McBoookS to be sent immediately to a Mr. Sonni Abachi (Madam). While Apple makes MacBooks and MacBook Pros, the company, until today, has not offered anything called “McBoookS.” In a concession to the size of the order, however, the product will be produced in a limited, one billion unit run for the customer.

Mr. Abachi (Madam) could only be reached via email, and confirmed that he (or she) had plans for the computers.

“In good Christ,” Mr. Abachi (Madam) wrote, “All computerss will die..and thus planning for out of country funds over to a peeoples through out the world.;;.”

Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer admitted “The dialog with Mr. Abachi (Madam) has been a little rough.

“But he said ‘In good Christ’, so we’re sure it’s all on the up and up.”

Some of the emails had offered cash taken from briefcases of several dead African warlords in lieu of the cashier’s check, but Apple was unsure where it could exchange Botswanan pulas. Also, Steve Jobs would have had to fly to Geneva 30 days after the McBoookS shipped in order to collect.

Mr. Abachi (Madam) said the cashier’s check would be made out for $1.7 trillion, despite the fact that Apple has stated the order’s value as $1.5 trillion.

Oppenheimer said Mr. Abachi (Madam) asked for the $200 billion above the order to be wired to a cousin in Los Angeles who had been ill.

Apple will ship the computers immediately upon receipt of the cashier’s check – expected any day – and will immediately run to the bank to deposit it.

Apple was dealt another blow today as scientists at NASA revealed that the heat generated by the MacBook line has now surpassed petroleum emissions as a contributing cause of global warming.

With the introduction of the Macbook non-Pro, sales of the MacBook line as a whole have reached a sufficient level that the collective heat generated by all units has surpassed that of other sources.

While Apple recently tried to deflect concern over the issue – blaming it on plastic strips left over the fan vents – the machines are still undeniably hot.

“The average MacBook puts out 9 billion BTU per minute of usage, said Dr. Leonard Staley of NASA’s Planetary Science division. “I know that sounds like an awful lot, but we actually checked the numbers a couple of times.

“And all that heat gets trapped in the atmosphere, causing temperatures to rise and ice caps to melt.

“Also, they can cause your lap to get all sweaty which leads to chafing.”

Some members of the Mac community rushed to point out a possible connundrum this creates for Apple board member and An Inconvenient Truth star Al Gore.

Sources said Gore, a noted PowerBook user, has as yet refrained from upgrading to the MacBook. Although he has driven back and forth to the Apple Store 15 times to look at them.

“In a hybrid,” the former Vice President noted, wagging his finger.

The tireless prognosticator of the doom global warming represents has yet to explain away his recreational ownership of a flame thrower, however.

“It helps me relax,” Gore said, shrugging.

“I have a hard time relaxing, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Apple is reportedly working on the MacBook heat problem by creating heat sinks the size of 15-lb frozen turkey.

Actually, some sources indicate that it is a 15-lb frozen turkey.

Responding to the controversy over four screws on the sides of the recently released MacBook that a number of sites are reporting are “useless” and “purely for cosmetic purposes” Apple issued a dire warning today.

“Do not, under any circumstances remove those screws!” a concerned head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring said.

“Just… just don’t. OK? Seriously. You don’t need to do that. I mean, why… why would you want to do that? There’s no reason. None at all. So don’t.”

Visibly agitated, Mehring would not, however, explain why users should not attempt to remove the screws.

Far from quelling the controversy, Apple’s warning has only served to fuel the fire. Speculation is now raging over what the screws are for and what would be the result of removing them.

A report on AppleInsider claims that one user who removed the screws was spit out of this universe like a watermelon seed. A posting on Apple’s support forum speculated that the screws house an as-yet unused slot like the iMac’s Mezzanine slot, but this one being a “nuclear slot with, like, nuclear powers and radiation and stuff.”

But by far the most disturbing clue was found in what is purported to be an Apple technical note entitled “Periodic Maintenance of Quantum Screws on an Apple MacBook.”

According to this document, forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources in the know, the entire MacBook line was designed to create a quantum net intended to maintain the fragile fabric of the space/time continuum. Apple apparently picked up the contract for maintaining the space/time continuum when a company in the Argolis Cluster that previously did the work went out of business.

Physicists were dubious of the prospect.

“The space/time continuum doesn’t need maintenance,” said Dr. Russell Springer of the Jet Propulsion Laboratories. “It just is.”

Pausing to reconsider, Springer added, “Still… probably better if you don’t futz with those screws.”

After weeks of random speculation that the company would do so, Apple released the MacBook Amateur today. Reminiscent of the “Good, Better, Best” product differentiation strategy of the early 2000s, the MacBook Beginner comes in white and black varieties that are labelled “Good”, “Also Good” and “EVIL”.

Purchasers of “Evil” are warned, however, that their MacBook Junior will eventually attempt to shove them down the stairs in a wheelchair while screaming something awfully dirty about Jesus.

According to Apple, the MacBook For Dummies sports either a 1.83 GHz or 2.0 GHz Intel Core Duo processor and, when licked, tastes vaguely like Tang.

Some Apple watchers expressed concern that the MacBook No You Guys Go Ahead, I’ll Just Watch For A Little While is priced higher than the iBook it replaces, but Apple executives felt this was justified.

“This is a great starter MacBook for those who aren’t ready yet for a MacBook Pro,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked by some fresh-faced youngster ‘Gee, Mr. Schiller, I’d kinda like to sorta use a MacBook Pro, but golly gee willikers, I ain’t a pro at nothin’!’

“Ha-ha! Ha! Ahhh… Well… once, actually. I was asked that once. And my security detail quickly whisked him away. But the point is that many users would look at the PowerBook and the iBook and go ‘Hunnnnnh?’ Just like that. ‘Hunnnnnh?’ It was impossible to tell which one was for the professional and which one was for the layman. Other than the pricing. And all the marketing materials. Other than that, completely impossible.

“I suppose you could have asked someone. Like a Genius or a salesperson.

“But that’s it.”

The MacBook I’ll Just Have A Salad With Dressing On The Side goes on sale today.