iWork Killer App For Tablet?

Astounding news is rocking the tablet rumor circuit as Apple appears prepared to deliver a tablet-enabled version of iWork when it introduces its new tablet at the tablet special event on January 27th, also known as “Tablet launch day”. (Tablet.)

Needless to say, Apple fans are beside themselves as the thought of rocking spreadsheets through an as yet-to-be-determined input mechanism has them literally salivating.

“I am so fucking psyched,” said Mac user Jim Ray, wiping his chin. “Spreadsheets fucking rule. And I have to imagine that spreadsheets on a tablet ultra-mega-rule, what with the smaller screen size. Just think, we’ll be able to do spreadsheets or write business letters or create presentations – but mostly do spreadsheets – in the bathroom!

“I mean, I do that already, but now I’m gonna do it on a tablet! Wow!”

While the excitement generated by the killer combination of spreadsheets and tablets is palpable, some questions remain.

“I can’t believe that in just a few weeks I’m going to be typing into a spreadsheet on the tablet’s virtual keyboard!” said Macworld’s Dan Moren. “Or, possibly, writing etext with a stylus on a spreadsheet! That always works so awesome. Or, maybe, talking into the tablet and having my numbers flawlessly be translated into the spreadsheet through some kind of ‘computer magic’. One thing we know for sure is that it won’t be via a physical keyboard because this is a tablet and that would just be lame.

“But, hell, I don’t care how it happens! All I care about is spreadsheets on tablets! Yeah!”

Analysts were at a loss to explain why the potential for iWork on a tablet has everyone so worked up. Some pointed to recent controversial scientific studies that showed brain damage in rats after prolonged exposure to aluminum.

Welcome to Macintosh

I neglected to mention that it was on tonight so you’ve already missed one airing, but if you were too cheap to buy it or rent it, the fabulous documentary Welcome to Macintosh will be on CNBC again Friday at midnight ET, 9:00pm PT.

I appear in it, but only in a small window so as not to frighten those of a sensitive nature such as small children, pregnant women or milk-producing livestock.

Here’s a sample:

See, that’s not so bad.

Anyway, Rob and Josh are our kind of people and you might actually learn a thing or two by watching it. I know I did.

Like I’m overpaying for my haircuts. That was one thing I learned. And goatees are out. That was another.

I also learned some stuff not related to my personal grooming. Stuff about Apple and Macs. Of course, anything I said I already knew. So, you know, those parts were wasted on me. But the other stuff was interesting.

Apple Tablet To Redefine Another Industry

According to published reports, the Apple tablet will be wildly successful and a miserable failure. By the laws of logic governing this universe, both cannot be true, so what we are left to conclude, is that one of these two assumptions is wrong.

Or are we?

Highly placed Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources now indicate this may not be the case. According to one source, in the same way the Mac redefined the computer industry, the iPod redefined the music industry and the iPhone redefined the cellular phone industry, the Apple tablet will redefine the quantum mechanics industry.

“The Apple tablet creates a quantum singularity that acts as a focal point for multiple universes,” said the source, who declined to come out from the box he was hiding in. “This is how you can have rumors of it being 7 inches and 10 inches, $400 and $800, a hit and a flop. It is all of these things and many more.”

Upon first interacting with the device, whether at a physical Apple Store, through the online puchasing process or even through a reseller, the customer will experience a quantum shift that will cause them to experience the tablet in all universes at once.

“This is very exciting,” said technology analyst Michael Gartenberg. “The quantum mechanics industry is an immature and stagnant market, ripe for shaking up.”

Gartenberg admitted he himself was baffled at the myriad of points of view on a device that, as far as anyone really knows, doesn’t even exist and was relieved to be able to finally put some logic to it.

“Apple may be having power management issues on the device,” Gartenberg suggested “Since its quantum mechanical effects are already influencing people who haven’t even purchased or seen one.

“Either that or it’s just that none of these morons writing about the tablet has any idea what they’re talking about,” he said.

“But I’m so tired of that being the case that I’m really hoping it’s the quantum singularity thingy.”

CARS Still Not Back

However, we are happy to announce that we have secured new funding! That’s right, a small group of angel investors has forestalled the inevitable slide into oblivion that one day faces all once-venerable Apple commmunity sites. At this point they’re basically paying for keeping the lights on – which means we won’t have to have all those ads all over the place like previously (we’re keeping one ad up for beer money and legal fees) – and they paid for the stylin’ redesign you’re looking at.

The last design was a little too tarted up. You know, like a $5 whore. Not that that was in any way inaccurate. But this is more of a return to our roots.

Who are these angel investors, you ask? Well, I don’t really know much about them. Actually, I don’t know anything about them.

Other than they’re brains in glass domes. Yes, literally. And they had enough money to keep the servers on and pay for a redesign.

Brains in glass domes
Welcome, new financiers!
That was good enough for me! Yes, sir. Most people would have said “Brains in glass domes? That sounds a little fishy. I mean, why the hell would brains in glass domes be funding an Apple rumor site?” And most people would have missed out on some funding, I’ll tell you what. In the fast-paced world of Internet publishing, you can’t look a gift brain in the cerebellum.

I think Guy Kawasaki said that.

Anyway, they assured me that “ALL WILL BE UNFOLDED IN DUE TIME”. And then they laughed.

Which I took as a positive sign. Anyone who likes to laugh is OK in my book.

Hey, they speak in complete sentences which is more than I can say for our last financier.

I didn’t ask where the money came from and they didn’t tell me. For all I know it could be from quatloos they’ve won betting on the outcome of sporting events involving girls in silver bikinis. It’s none of my business!

Although, if they have box seats to any such sporting events, I wouldn’t turn down an invitation some time.

I hope you enjoy the new look. Hopefully nothing’s broken or missing. If you find anything, please, please be sure to keep it to yourself because I already spent the last few quatloos on a six of Mickey’s Big Mouths.

I don’t know why I did that. It’s impossible to open those damn things without spilling them.