Whew! OK, we’re in! We got the usual crap at the door. This time it was not about us being a rumor site, though. It was about Howard. Man, what is the big deal about bringing a dog into the keynote?! Get over yourself, Steve Jobs!
It didn’t help that Howard has an ear infection so he’s got that giant cone around his head so he doesn’t scratch it. Talk about drawing attention to yourself…
What is with this music? Are they trying to depress us? It’s working. Masako’s tearing up right now. Yes, Masako. It is a wonderful world.
Please stop crying.
“Oh, Canada”? Why are they playing “Oh, Canada”?
Oh, my god, Apple’s moving to Canada!
Steeeeeeve! He says they’ve got TWO Macworlds worth of stuff? Dare we hope for sexbots? Well, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t hope for sexbots.
Hey, hot Vatican streaming action! See, they’re streaming the keynote to the Vatican… Oh, forget it.
Howard, STOP SCRATCHING THAT!
68% of people hitting the Switch site are using Windows. 90% of them are Mac users at work.
Oh, dear, Steve is cracking wise! He’s in rare form today! Looks like he had a banana for breakfast!
1.4 million people visited Apple Stores in December. Equivalent to 20(?) Macworlds. “So that’s why we’re CANCELLING Macworld! Get out! All of you! Take a powder! Show’s over! Go on! Beat it!”
iCal and iSync. “We’ll be hearing more about them this year.”
That’s great. Thanks, Steve. Like we couldn’t have figured that out.
.Mac. Steve says they heard some “noise” about charging for it. Really? That’s weird. Why didn’t I hear anything about that? I mean, I work at a rumors site and everything. You’d think I’d have heard something. People didn’t like being charged for it? Boy, where was I? Maybe the rest room.
Steve’s showing off a snowboarding/skiing jacket with iPod controls on the sleeve! Wait, that’s not all! Ladies’ lingerie with volume control and jog wheel on the… uh… well… use your imagination.
Ooooooh, Steve burns Quark! Here comes someone from Avid.
Howard, STOP IT! Jeez. I can hardly hear with that thump-thump-thumping! What? You need to go for a walk? Uh, OK, MacGruder take Howard for a walk. Oh, c’mon, it’s just some bullet-head from Avid. You won’t miss a thing.
Does anyone know what this guy’s doing? Well, there he goes. Did anyone get what the heck he was talking about?
Final Cut Pro – #1 pro video. Is Steve saying something they sell is too expensive? Oooooh, Final Cut Express.
SCHILL-ER! SCHILL-ER! SCHILL-ER! Oh, man, I love how people remember! And, on cue, there go the panties! That’s it girls, get them all up on stage! “Thank you, ladies! Let’s hear it for the lovely ladies of Macworld! You are why I do what I do!”
Oh, man, what a champ! Gold! The man is gold! Although, I think the moonwalk was a little much.
$299 for Final Cut Express. $399 if you want the expanded porn package (includes cheesy music and gauzy filters).
Steve actually said they’re focusing everything on OS 9 from here on out. I think he may have to commit ritual suicide for that goof.
Digital hub! Ooooh, can you feel the excitement! Oh, good, here come Chet and Howard. Wouldn’t want them to miss this. It’s Steve’s big dance number.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Jobs IS LORD OF THE DANCE!”
Oh, wait, no, sorry. iTunes 3 contains “hidden features”. It’s free stolen music! Enjoy! Oooh, iPhoto 2 – integrated with iTunes and iDVD with archiving capability. Steve’s doing a demo. He’s “enhancing” some photos. This is really weird, though. All the pictures are from Asian snuff films. Ewww. Seems like kind of a bad choice.
Wait, I know we wrote about these tools. They’re the ones that make people less ugly, because your family and friends just aren’t attractive. From our pages to Steve’s mouth.
Does that sound weird to anyone else?
He’s announcing iMovie 3! It integrates with iPhoto, iTunes. Includes the Ken Burns effect for making cool documentary-style movies. Also includes the George Burns effect for making everyone appear really old.
Boy, Ken Burns has really fallen on hard times. I mean, this documentary of kids making a snowman is really kind of lacluster compared to The Civil War. Maybe if the kids started shooting at each other, or took prisoners or something.
See those bottles of clear liquid in front of Steve? Pure grain alcohol. Mmmm…
iDVD will automatically create scene selections based on chapters created in iMovie. “Scene 3: Billy and Timmy engage in a bitter struggle at Antietam. Billy is torn to pieces by artillery fire. Standing over his brother’s steaming corpse, Timmy screams ‘Dear God in Heaven when will this war end?!’ Scene 4: he goes back to building the snowman.”
Special effects in iDVD, make the movie look old AND really pretentious! Cooool…
Oh, God he had to play Wonderful World again. It’s OK, Masako. It’s OK.
Steve Jobs will ROCK YOUR WORLD!
Sorry. I think we’re sitting a little close. The reality distortion field is kicking into overdrive. Poor Howard. That funnel is like an amplifier.
Did you know we had to buy him his own ticket? How lame is that? Still, I think he’s happy sitting up on the chair.
iMovie, iTunes, iDVD… all together they’re called iPants.
No, wait, sorry, iLife.
iMovie 3, iPhoto are a free download – iDVD is $. But they’re bundling it all together for $49 for all the apps.
“Buckle up!” says Steve! IT’S A BROWSER! Called Safari! Fastest browser on the Mac, and Steve will now demonstrate with some porn downloads. Classy stuff, of course. Tasteful, really. Eww, except that one. Yikes. Was that a…? Nevermind.
Safari looks like iTunes and iPhoto when you’re editing bookmarks. As a matter of fact, all the sites look the same too. Elderly users should be careful about using the Snap Back feature. It may cause lower lumbar stress.
Boy, uh, does Gates know about this thing?
Steve’s saying “Some people have a problem with open source. Some people have a problem with open-faced sandwiches. Some people have a problem because the zipper of my pants is open…”
I’ll be darned. The zipper of his pants IS open.
Another app – Keynote. For presentations, and it was made for Steve to do his Macworld presentations. “For I am a golden god! My word is law! Bow down before me!”
Bow down? Huh, well, everyone else seems to be doing it…. yeah, bow down. C’mon, guys. Albert, Chet, bow down.
He’s demo-ing it now, but no word really on whether or not he’ll share this cool application with the rest of us.
Hey, there’s Masako! She’s on screen in a crowd shot! Cool!
“Charts and graphs! Arts and crafts!” Hey, it’s Paul Schaffer doing the theme song for Keynote!
WHA- Ah! Oh, uh, sorry! I’m awake! I’m awake! I was just… resting my eyes.
Oh, man, I shouldn’t have had that waffle…
Oooh, Keynote imports and exports PowerPoint, and exports to PDF and QuickTime. “We’re coming for you, Gates! Your women and children will weep for you! Prepare to meet my wrath! You will bow down before me, Bill Gates! I will be avenged for the humiliations you have heaped upon me!”
Jeez, he’s really frothing at the mouth. Schiller’s trying to calm him down. Some of the people in the front row are a little scared.
“You’re DEAD, Gates! You’re DEAD! You hear me! I’m talkin’ to a DEAD MAN!”
Oh, hey, cool, we get free copies of Keynote! Neener-neener!
Oh, crap, he’s updating the damn PowerBook.
I JUST BOUGHT ONE, STEVE! I’m calling Schiller. I swear to god, I’m calling Schiller.
OH, MY GOD – A 120″ POWERBOOK! They’re wheeling it out! It takes about four guys because it’s so damn thin! You have to be VERY CAREFUL how you hold it.
It’s the first glow-in-the-dark laptop! You can also use it as a Twister board! You can cut cheese on it! Use it to kill your enemies!
802.11g! 54 megabits/second and fully compatible with 802.11b! Base station includes USB printing! Bluetooth, Firewire 2, hot and cold running water! Liquid metal! Nuclear fusion powered! And a whole bunch of other crap.
12 inch PowerBook! I think I’m going to faint. I’m swooning! I’m swooning! I’ve got the vapors!
Sorry. Sorry. I have to put my head between my knees. I almost fainted. Thanks, Howard. Thanks for licking my face. That helps. Whew.
OK, OK, I’m better.
Now they’re showing a little film with some folks clapping them on the back about the PowerBooks.
You know, it never fails. I buy a PowerBook and… Oh, well.
Hey, scroll down! Albert just pointed out the Entity’s done it again! “Small things”? Huh? Huh?! How about that guy!
OK, that commercial with Mini Me and Yao Ming is too fucking funny.
Steve says he read the rumor sites and they said this would be the most boring Macworld ever. Hey, c’mon, why does he have to do that when he can see us sitting here in the tenth row? I’m mean, he’s looking right at us. That’s just low. Why’d he have to do that? I mean, WE didn’t even say that. It was those other rumor sites. YOU know the ones I’m talking about.
That’s it! Read it and weep! What a keynote!