19 Mar 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Dear Cosmo, I’m wild about this new season’s various shades of pink. But I’m a redhead. Is it OK for me to wear some pink? Are there tones of pink that might better complement my complexion? Honestly, I’m really sick of convention telling me what I can and can’t wear. But I don’t want to look like a big pomegranate. Help!

A: What the…? Scooter! SCOOTER! What the hell is going on here? Oh, great. Not only are we getting Cosmo’s mail, it looks like we have their style sheet too.

Because, you know, pink is really in this year. Oh, yeah. Haven’t you heard? It’s this year’s blue. Or green. I don’t know. What was in last year?

No, it was not brown, MacGruder.

Anyway, lady, I’d say the best way for you to get your pink fix is to wear just a hint of pink, rather than an entire ensemble.

Like… well… a pink iPod mini.

Or… maybe, a pink tube top… if you’ve got big boobs. Do you have big boobs? Because no one’s going to care about the color of your clothes if you’ve got big boobs.

Dear Cosmo,

Pink is big this year, and I’m a fan just like everyone else. But is pink a good color for lingerie? I have a big romantic weekend coming up, and I bought a matching bra, g-string and garter belt in a soft pink, but the more I look at it, the more the shade looks better suited to kids than sex-crazed 30-somethings. Should I return it for black or red? Help!

A: You know, I’m not even sure why I answer these. It might be… well, it might be because I think they’re so hot. I mean… it’s not like there are any pictures or anything, but… damn if it doesn’t work for me.

Well, look, honey, I think the fact that you’re wearing a g-string and garter belt will more than make up for any innocence implied by the color pink. As far as pink being a good color for lingerie… well, the truth of the matter is, men look at it this way: lingerie is like New Jersey. You’ve got to drive through it to get to New York.

You know what I mean?

Dear Cosmo,

I recently bought a hot pink, retro-style coat from a certain upscale retailer. It’s horribly impractical, but a thrill to wear. It draws many compliments, from friends and strangers alike. But recently, I’ve heard another woman in my office building has the same coat. I feel like I’d be mortified if we both ended up standing in the espresso line wearing that coat. (It’s not like a pair of khakis. This coat stands out!) Should I hunt this woman down and ask her to only wear the coat on certain days? I’d be willing to alternate. Should I take it back, even though I adore it? Or, am I worrying too much? Help!

A: I say the only rational way to deal with this is to have a screaming, kicking, hair-pulling fight right in the middle of your office. It’s your coat after all! You know that bitch is only wearing to get to you! Don’t take that crap from her! That slut! You know she’s been talking about you to all the women in accounting… mocking you… like she should be mocking anyone with a nose like that! Take her down!

(Oh, man, I do love it when the ladies fight. Mmm-hmm. That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! Yessir!)

So, uh, any-hoo… now that the site is thoroughly screwed up… me and the guys are thinking… well… we’re thinking we’d rather not be here when Masako gets back on Monday. We’ll do a drive-by on Wednesday and see if it’s safe to come back yet. See you then.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Aaron says:

    No update today, I guess. Maybe Masako is too stunned to say anything.

  2. Keifer says:

    I think CARS and AtAT are having a competition to see who can post the latest. Comes from too much eBay sniping.

    Last post!

  3. Keifer says:

    Oops…they did say nothing til Wednesday. ‘Scuse me!

    Laster post!

  4. Aaron says:

    Well, they said Masako would be back today, but that the guys wouldn’t be back till Wednesday. I was looking forward to a couple of postings from her perspective.

    And then Howard could do a couple. Masako’s can be in Japanese, and Howard’s can be in “Dog,” or whatever it’s called.

  5. The Ugly American says:

    Perchè è la pubblicità per “The Missing Bite” in italiano?

  6. Anonymous says:

    Habla Espanol?

  7. Tim Knight says:


    (taps fingers on desktop)


    (checks fingernails are looking ok)


    (looks nervously around, then squints face)



    So, when does the show start?

  8. Oziguana says:

    *sniffs air*

    *moves away from Tim*

    But yeah when do you guys get back? as an Australian it has been wednesday here for 22 hours, so get of your lazy canine/humanoid/multidimensional BUTTS and get me some “Apple rumors that defy verifiability, grammatical convention or any basis in reality” like you used to.



  9. Aaron says:

    As always, Australia is ahead of its time.

  10. Oziguana says:

    *groans* that was a terrible pun! *winces* kinda funny, but terrible!

  11. MICHAEL EISNER says:



  12. Cohen Norman says:

    Any certainty is a delusion.

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