31 Mar 04Apple-Branded Apples Not A Success.


Sources within Apple retail say that, after a brief test market trial, Apple has abandoned a plan to sell Apple-branded apples in grocery stores.

“Apple apples did not sell well,” a source admitted. “It was probably that one big bite taken out of the side. I think our findings indicate that pre-bitten food is not a growth business. Or even a niche market. Or… any kind of market at all.

“I told them it was a bad idea.”

Grocery industry experts say Apple’s first foray into the complicated world of grocering was not well conceived.

“Well, see, the problem with the Apple apple… is the big bite taken out of it,” said Jeff Ganung, editor of Today’s Grocer, an industry magazine.

Ganung held up an Apple apple and pointed to the prominent bite taken out of it, which was designed to remind the grocery shopper of the company’s trademark logo, one of the most recognizable in the world.

“See? A big bite… right out of the side… it’s not… I don’t… In general, people don’t want food that’s already been bitten in to.

“It just leads to all kinds of questions about whether these apples are sanitary or not. And… I’m guessing not.”

Ganung believes Apple misjudged the sophistication of the grocery shopper.

“Shoppers were just left to wonder, who’s the guy who took a bite of this apple? Do I know him? Does he work at the grocery? The supplier? Does he floss?

“My understanding is that Apple thought it wouldn’t be an issue because apples are sold by weight and the shopper wouldn’t be paying for the missing bite, so, no big deal. That, however, skirted the larger issue of ‘Yuck. Who bit into all these apples?'”

Internal memos indicate that, frustrated by the Apple apple’s lack of success, executives at first asked if it was simply the size or position of the bite. Grocery consultants working with the company replied that, no, it was just “the fact that there’s a fricking bite out of it. Nobody wants that. What’s wrong with you?”

The remaining Apple apples are expected to be turned into a pie.

No Responses to “Apple-Branded Apples Not A Success.”

  1. First! says:

    First!

  2. mrcrapperson says:

    i’ve been waiting for this site to update all day.. slow day at work.. d=

  3. Mojo The Monkey says:

    hmmm… pie…

  4. Spelunk says:

    So what did they do with the bitten out pieces? I’m guessing they gave them to a homeless shelter.

  5. Lug says:

    I would expect Apple to have the apples pre-bitten by machine, not by a human being. Doesn’t solve the oxidation problem, though.

  6. Laemkral says:

    I hear that the iApples only last for 2 days. God damnit, when I want an Apple product I don’t expect it to be some throw away-able commodity that I have to purchase again!! It’s the iPod battery fiasco all over again!!

    GOD DAMNIT! The fricking fruit crashed!

    Wait, it’s supposed to be disposable? Oh, that explains the low price….and it didn’t crash? I just dropped it? Oh….

    Uh, nothing to see here…..Inquisition and all that….

    *flees*

  7. kev~! says:

    gah! they used my companies marketing department to come up with this… and I’m sure our director of marketing did all the chomping…

  8. Christine says:

    You can put lemon juice on the exposed surface to prevent oxidation. But I’m not sure how long that lasts. Depends on how long the things are sitting in the grocery store.

    I recommend making apple fritters if people start getting sick of pie.

  9. EMan says:

    What if it was an orange? Could they market that?

  10. jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj says:

    ?What is “lemon juice”

    I am sorry, I am near to this country (America!)

    ?How will I prevent oxidation of my ax, my plow, and wife’s chain and lock

    Forgive again welcome to America!

  11. Christopher Fenger says:

    I dunno… think it needed to be an aqua apple… or, uh, brushed metal. Those would sell, I’m sure. Mini apples. Pink. Silver. Gold. Blue. Green. Green! Mini Green Granny Smith apples with… with… with an iPod interface. Oh, man, I’m cookin’ now. Garageband wood apples with volume sliders and, uh, eggplants. Giant eggplants with brushed metal sliders that open like zippers to reveal hot sexbot action mini-photos made from shallots and sausage casings. Shiller autographed lunch meat!

  12. An anonymous developer says:

    I think I’ll be avoiding any apple pie served at this years WWDC.

  13. Christopher Fenger says:

    I’m really sorry.

    (He made me say that. Larry, that is.)

  14. Nothing to see here says:

    I hear this failed because some guy in NY spray painted:

    “Non-refundable Apple apple oxidizes in 2 days.”

  15. larry the hobo says:

    What about a fine apple wine? or possibly hard apple cider.

    They could put the apple logog on the brown paper bag. Maybe include one of those novelty straws like disneyland, except instead of mickey’s head, the apple logo

    I am aggreived and dismayed at Apple’s lack of marketing to the hobo community.

    Nothing says riding the rails quite like an iBook….

  16. Gary says:

    LOL-I’m thinking there is probably a trademark problem there somewhere.

  17. Nameless says:

    mmmm, hot sex-bot action…. buckets-o-porn, and an Apple apple. Reminds me of this dream I had, but we won’t get into that now.

  18. infinte fruit loop says:

    does this mean if i take a single bite from a ‘non apple’ apple, i may be infringing there IP and have to buy a licence? what if i use that apple in a fruit salad and sell onwards? hmm a thorny area if ever i saw one

    btw those old 7 color apples taste odd – oh and then fall into slices, man…

  19. Insider says:

    Back in 1999 or 2000, Sinbad came to Apple and did a little stand-up. One of his jokes was that because Apple’s stock price was so high, Apple was going to sue apples. Apple orchards, apple pie, etc.

  20. Joe says:

    One pie? With ALL those apples?

    I gotta get me a slice.

  21. that ipod guy says:

    Pies will sell better… just as long as they don’t have a byte taken out of them.

  22. Bill Eccles says:

    Yeah, well, the problem that all of you have missed is that since the apple… Apple, that is… is sold by weight, you’re getting less product for your money because the ratio of edible apple to inedible apple (core parts: seed, stem, etc.) decreases even though the price of the apple in fiscal units per weight units remains constant.

    And that’s only assuming that Apple doesn’t continue with its usual strategy of charging a premium because it is such a well… er, integrated product. Of course, I guess Steve would somehow try to take credit, but apparently the Great Knower and Seer of All Things is responsible for that according to the Bible.

    So, pricier… bitten… probably oxidized and nasty lookin’… I can see why it was an immediate failure.

    Bill

  23. Farmer John says:

    Well all I can tell ya is the apple farmers around these parts is plenty relieved. We were a might worried when we heard they was gettin into the apple business, what with folks tellin us what hellacious salesmen them fast talking Californians were. Then they go and pull a greenhorn stunt like that dang bite thing!

    NOW who’re the bumpkins, huh Apple ?

  24. Aaron says:

    notice that the words “the missing bite” are in the text? Payment for product placement, that’s what that is right there.

    Too bad it wasn’t in Italian.

    Anyway, I guess I really, really don’t have to go take a picture of an apple.

  25. Bridge n' Tunnel says:

    It’s this kind of fruit abuse that makes it so hard to convert people to the digital lifestyle. Thanks for nothing, Apple!

  26. JM says:

    I bought a new 17″ Apple apple and was using it in bed when it fell out and got bruised. See, I “love” my new apple and was heartsick to see it damaged and brown like that. No more tender lovin’; no more sweet nothings. I was devestated. What really pissed me off its that Apple refused to fix my new Apple apple. They’re claiming it was accidental damage and that I abused my Apple apple. The bastards! I love my Apple apple and would never harm it. Well, I’m really pissed at Apple. I’ve offered them countless suggestions on how to improve their company but they fastidiously ignore me. I’m tired of being seen as a whiny bitch, so I’m going to turn my pontification-heavy, ego-swelling site into something else. I’m not sure what yet, but it won’t be focused on Apple anymore. I’m much more important than a fruity little company.

  27. Cai says:

    wooohoooo!

    29th Post!!!

  28. marburg says:

    You know, as much as I hate reading all the crap from you worthless people who tarnish the good name of Crazy Apple Rumors, I think that it would be cool to have nested comments. That way when I get my lazy self around to the comments, I can reply to something near the top that pissed me off to no end, and you little people will know what I am talking about, so I will not have to take half the space of my comment to remind you of the comment at the top.

  29. I saw Sinbad at apple.

    I had the good sense to forget most of it.

  30. raj says:

    why apples are oxidised before enzyme use