01 Apr 04All Shall Bow Before Us.

Victory is ours!

Attention, readers of Crazy Apple Rumors Site: this is Jack of As the Apple Turns. I and the rest of the AtAT staff have wrested control of the CARS offices from its indigenous inhabitants (man, say that three times fast) and hereby claim this cubicle farm, as well as any Macs, liquor, and office supplies contained within, in the name of AtAT. We brought a flag, which transforms this act from criminal trespassing into mere expansionism, and therefore makes it all nice and legal. We have planted said flag in the cafeteria and pointed a small electric fan at it, so that it’s waving gently in the breeze.

The breeze of victory. I did mention the whole victory thing, right?

How did it come to this, you ask? Well, basically we were sitting around the AtAT Compound one day and Katie (AtAT’s resident fact-checker and Goddess of Minutiae) mentioned something about how we should be building an empire, because all the really cool people have empires. Plus the Compound’s been feeling a little cramped lately, what with Anya (our resident rampaging toddler and Goddess-in-Training) leaving all these smoking piles of rubble in her thunderous wake; she’s the reincarnation of whatever fifth-century devil-child first inspired the phrase “this is why we can’t have nice things.”

So I was thinking, hey, the guys down at the CARS office only have crappy things, so it’s perfect. And they’ve got fluorescent light, too, which is sorta like Anya Kryptonite, so she’d be all logy and compliant most of the time.

We hoarded some weapons, hired a few mercenaries, and put together this really spiffy plan of attack. Seriously, it was color-coded and everything. In shades. We called it “The Plan.” We should have called it “Da Bomb,” ‘cuz it was, yo.

Anyway, after what must have been days of preparation, we finally invaded this morning, and, well, here we are– in what used to be the CARS offices and which are now to be known as “AtATian Outpost #2.” The Plan came off without a hitch. It worked perfectly.

It probably would have worked even if there had been anyone here to fight.

We’re not sure what the deal is, but when we got here the offices were empty. We figured maybe everyone was just out to brunch or sleeping late or something, but it’s been a few hours, now, and no one’s shown up. The only “beings” we thought were guarding the place were two women who ran at us while brandishing what we originally thought were billy clubs of some sort; when the women got closer, we noticed that a) they were sexbots; b) they weren’t exactly “attacking” us, per se; and c) those weren’t billy clubs.

We pointed them towards a couple of the mercenaries, who have since told us a bit breathlessly that we don’t have to pay them anymore, so that actually worked out pretty well. And now AtATian Outpost #2 is ours. The BREEZE OF VICTORY, right?

It’s just that…

Well, I really would have liked to use The Plan to its full potential, you know?

Don’t get me wrong– The Plan still worked perfectly. But we worked really hard on it, and I feel like it never had a chance to prove its greatness. After all, it’d have to be a pretty bad plan not to let us take over an empty office. Even a plan as weak as “walk in and declare victory” would have worked for that. You’d need one as bad as “stand outside, nail your feet to the ground, and then beat yourself senseless with a claw hammer” to screw up an invasion as easy as this one was.

I mean, we did extensive research on our enemies’ weaknesses. We brought a raw steak to distract Howard the Talking Dog. We knew Masako is a Marathon junkie and at the first sign of conflict would instinctively run straight for the nearest SPNKR, so we built a replica of Marathon’s missile launcher and filled it with bees. Katie cleverly disguised herself as Chet’s girlfriend and prepared to disable him with phrases like “I can’t believe you thought that would be a good Valentine’s Day gift” and “Who told you five inches was ‘average’?”

Anya had perfected a piercing shriek that turns noncorporeal Rigellians like the Entity inside out in six dimensions. (You shoulda seen us testing that one, boy howdy.) We brought a raw steak to distract Ugluk. And Moltz… well, Moltz is Moltz. We didn’t need much strategy to deal with him, but we put him in The Plan anyway. I had a sock full of quarters with his name on it.

Seriously, right down the side: “John Moltz.” Color-coded, in shades.

Well, whatever. We’re here, we won, we’ve got an empire underway, now, and world domination is probably just months away, so you should all remember to stay on our good side from now on. In fact, we’re demanding tribute. We’d make you all send us Baked Lays, but Anya just busted open the Entity’s dimensionally transcendental bottom desk drawer, and apparently we’re set for the next couple of millennia on that front. Maybe Sprite or something to wash them down. We’ll let you know.

And we’re going after Irkutsk next. We’ve been told that it’s better to get Australia and Siam, first, but we really can’t resist anything with a name like “Irkutsk.” We’re leaving real soon now.

Just as soon as I get John’s name off this sock.

No Responses to “All Shall Bow Before Us.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Hell, they can have Europe – we certainly don’t knoww what to do with it anyhow… Life would be more interesting with Jack running things. Free beer! Sexbots!!

  2. Laemkral says:

    *Whoosh* Wow, watch that Europe joke by me just zoom over that last guy’s head….such powerful whooshage…

    I’d do more April Fool’s stupidity, but it’s now tomorrow….

    Therefore, Moltz…..the baby isn’t yours. It also isn’t mine. Hell, whose baby is this I’m holding? Someone lose a baby?

  3. Mark says:

    >Wait… Isn’t Jack a nickname for John?

    The “coincidence” is even greater than that

    Jack Miller = JM

    John Moltz = JM

    Something fishy’s going on here.

  4. Mark says:


    In English Miller = a fermented, carbonated malt beverage

    In German Moltz = a urinal

    so there’s even a connection there.

  5. Mark says:

    And has anyone ever seen the two of them in the same place at the same time?

  6. mike says:

    sweet…this is great…

    and you know what, mark, i don’t think so either

  7. Anonymous says:

    Jack should just give a jack-note anyway at Boston. Do a competing timeslot with the non-note. I bet more people go see Jack. I know I would.

  8. The Ballmer says:

    Sorry to break it to you guys, but you will all be dominated- today is the day that the Microsoft Occupational Forces, or, MOF….Hey, that’s catchy! Anyway, today is the day when WE take over! (Simulated maniacal laughter and profuse sweating) Yes, our troops of Windows XP Home powered Tablet PC drones are marching on 1 Infinite Loop right now!

    Ah Yes, all knees will bow and April the Second will….

    Ah Crap, I think IE is about to crash…Gotta Run…

    P.S.-we own your

    –Fatal error #23456b567g78

    IE System config error

    hit Crtl+Alt+Del to continue–

  9. mr. conspiracy says:

    I think that there is something even more insidious going on here than a simple insurrection. If you closely examine the writing styles of CARS and AtAT, you will find that no such insurrection took place! In fact, the AtAT page was written by Jack, PRETENDING to be John Moltz, and the CARS page was written by John Moltz pretending to be Jack Miller. Ingenious! We are lulled into a false sense of revolution and topsy-turvyness. We are incited to riot!

    I KNOW WHAT CARS AND AtAT ARE UP TO! DON’T THINK I DON’T! Now where is that copper mesh? I must protect my brain from the goverment satellites and re-filter my water to remove the fluoridation. I must protect my precious bodily fluids!

  10. elinoram says:

    OK, so I didn’t read either site until today, and OK, so I didn’t understand it was a joke for at least five minutes, OK??? Then I laughed so hard, I spit up on my iBook. Messy, but worth it. Long live both of you… assuming, of course, there ARE two of you… Does it matter? I love it… Keep up the good work… (Michael Eisner a tool?) (Well, duh…)

    Sign me: Smilin’ in Cupertino

  11. Michael Dickson says:


    I laughed so hard I cried. This has been the best april 1 ever!

    I lovyazall!!!

    PS: Jack for PM! (He’d really fit in in Oz – honest!)

  12. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    i have nothing to say

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