02 Apr 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: Extreme PowerBook stories! Whooooooo! To the extreme!


Q: OK, so, dude… dude… dude… dude?

A: Uh… yeah?

Q: OK, so dude… the other day I’m just sittin’ here… minding my own business… and… for no reason I can figure… my 12-inch PowerBook just takes a nose dive off the desk, slams down on the cement floor, slides across the room, down the stairs and out into the street where a kid ran over it on his bike!

A: Oh. Wow. That… seems unlikely.

Q: Swear to god, man! Swear to god! So, anyway, I’m all like freaking because I’m thinking… you know… $3,000 laptop shot to hell, right?

A:

Q: Right?!

A: Oh. Oh! Right.

Q: Yeah! But I picked it up, wiped off the bicycle tire tracks, plugged it in and… damn!

A: It worked?

Q: Uh… no. No. It was pretty much shot. The kid was… kinda big for his age. But… I got a pretty good deal on a G5… so…


Q: Oh, man, that is nothing! I saw a PowerBook once get ripped apart by savage weasels! Oh, yeah! They tore into it with those sharp little teeth and their little claws… all “Nyawww! Nyawww! Grrr! Nyawww!”

A: Uh-huh.

Q: Oh, wow, I was freaking! I kept running around yelling “Oh, my god! Oh, my god!” I was just praying they wouldn’t kill all of us, ya know?! And then, after they were driven away by a phalanx of animal control officials armed with stun guns, we snapped the screen back in, re-soldered some connections, constructed an entirely new substructure from aluminum and bought all new internal components… and, uh, then replaced the screen because it was all… gnawed and stuff… and it worked! Good as new! Except for a slight musky odor… because weasels have this musky smell…

A: Right.

Q: But, man, was that wild! It was totally off the hook!

A: Sure.

Q: I learned my lesson, though! Savage weasels do not make a good baby shower present! Whew! Man, was… was that embarrassing! I… I… didn’t know… ya see… that… savage weasels… Whew. Off the hook, I’ll tell ya what.


Q: I am going to tell you a PowerBook story that will turn you white. It is not for the faint of heart. Unlike these other “Extreme” PowerBook stories, this one is true. So, you might want to send the kids into the other room, turn all the lights up, lock the doors, and pray to whatever gods you may worship.

A: Wow. Uh… OK. OK. I’m ready. Lay it on me. Bring on the terror.

Q: Alright. Here goes. I own a 17-inch PowerBook. A laptop of monstrous screen proportions. It cuts a great swath through both vertical and horizontal space. It was to this… my most treasured of devices… that the unspeakable happened. An unbelievable act so brutal in its callous disregard that I can barely muster the strength to utter it.

A: What?! What was it?!

Q: My wife… my own beloved wife… she who have you believe she loves me… adjusted the screen tilt… holding only one corner of the screen.

A: Oh, man! I hate that! Why do they do that?!

Q: I don’t know! It’s like fingernails on the chalkboard!

A: That is so bogus! Can’t they see that the screen is a beautiful, yet fragile device?! You’ve got to tilt it holding both sides very carefully! You can’t just twist it like that!

Q: That’s what I told her! She won’t listen to me! She picks up her iBook by just grabbing the top of the screen! And she carries it around that way! I just don’t know what to do with her!

A: I’d say “Couple’s therapy”, man, but she’s the one with the problem!

Q: I knew you’d understand. See, dudes understand…

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. gary says:

    I’m not going to say it.

  2. first post says:

    first post! yea!

  3. John Moltz says:

    Sadly, your “First Post” is but second.

  4. second post says:

    ::::hangs head in shame::::

  5. Matt says:

    There is a Comp Sci in my res hall that carries her iBook by the screen… ARG! Drives me insane, and it isn’t even mine.

  6. larry the hobo says:

    One time riding the rails between frisco and omaha, I got kicked off the train by some pinkertons. Well, there I was, stranded somewhere in the midwest with only my bindle and an ai 12″ powerbook. So after using it as a convenient anti-deadly-spider seat all night. The next day I used it to kill a buffalo for breakfast. Then, properly sated. I followed the rails to the nearest town. Along the way, I again used my PB to beat off an attack by armed bandits. Finally reaching the town, I picked up a gig for Ol’ Lady Flannery re-coding her recipe book into XML.

    Ahhh god bless my powerbook.

  7. Mike says:

    … holding only one corner of the screen.

    This inspiration had to have come from Karen. That’s PRECISELY why I won’t assign her one.

  8. American Pie says:

    This one time at band camp…

  9. John Moltz says:

    I have NO idea what you’re talking about, Bainter.

    And I’ll deny any connection in a court of law.

  10. Del says:

    This is freeky. Right now CARS has both http://www.appleturns.com and http://www.crazyapplerumors.

    I thought that was supposed to cause the Universe to explode.. or was that implode? Maybe it would cause the Universe to make waffless… Oh it’s the waffle thing. They just showed up on my doorstep. Thank God I have a good appetite and plenty of Syrup.

    Just remember kinds.. I’m doing this for you.

  11. Insider says:

    One of the most brilliant engineering scientists at Apple would often carry his clam shell iBook around just by the top of the screen. He has a PowerBook now, so he doesn’t do that.

  12. Anna says:

    Insider… OMG. Insider… They’re watching us. Um, quick, do something responsible!

  13. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Anyone see my keys to the Gateway Store?

  14. ZethoMarx says:

    Yeah. They’re right in your pocket.

    But I hope you’ve got an extra for the BIG FREAKING PADLOCK THAT’S BEEN SLAPPED ON THE DOOR BECAUSE THE STORE HAS BEEN CLOSED DOWN BECUASE GATEWAY SUCKS AND IS CLOSING ALL OF ITS STORES AND THEY KNOW THEY CAN’T COMPETE WITH APPLE, WHO KEEPS OPENING NEW STORES WHILE GATEWAY IS GOING DOWN THE TUBES HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Anyways, just check your pockets. I’m pretty sure that’s where they’ll be.

  15. ineffable ipodguy says:

    Yeah, why DO people do that? Maybe Apple should put small rubber footprints on the spots you’re supposed to grab… just to… you know… let THOSE people know need to know… know.

  16. The Wok says:

    …cause the universe to make who waffless? I hope its not me. I am fully waffled and wish to stay so.

  17. Forge says:

    So… is John back in control or is this Jack’s version of Crazy Apple Help Desk?

  18. Aaron says:

    Surely we all expected AtAT to be late by now?

  19. arandompro42 says:

    i miss my AtAT overlords… but im not expecting them abck in action til at least 2 am… invasions are difficult processes

  20. Albert says:

    John, I know it’s hard but she’s just a corner-picker-upper. Yep, I know it hurts.

    I know man…Let it go,

    you’ll feel better.

    Y’know, it’s not anger you’re a feelin.

    It’s like she betrayed you, isn’t it?

    I know man,

    I know.

    Let it go.

    Mike, give them their space.

    They have some healin’ to do.

    Maybe you can help by assigning an iBook on a short term basis.

    But this is their thing.

    I know it’s tough cuz it’s your butt on the line

    It’s your time and energy

    It’s your BUDGET man,

    I KNOW…

    I know,

    Just let it go.

    And to the woman:

    He’s YOUR man, I know

    But he IS a man

    It’s YOUR iBook, I know

    But it IS an iBook

    Next time you go to do the corner-pick-up thing with your iBook,

    Look at your man.

    He is but a man.

    A simple man, but still

    a man.

    And that thing you’re about to pick up by the corner,

    it’s just a thing,

    a stylish, modern, versitile thing based on

    the Power of Unix matched with Apple’s Legendary Ease of Use,

    but still

    just

    a

    thing.

    So ask yourself

    what’s more important?

    the thing

    or

    the man.

    I know…

    I know.

    Just

    let

    it

    go

  21. John Moltz says:

    Don’t you have a network or an XServe to set up somewhere?

  22. Albert says:

    It’s OK John. It’s OK.

    I know it’s tough. My woman doesn’t even use computers outside of work! You think you got it rough! Man you don’t EVEN know pain. I mean true pain. The kind of pain where you go through the trouble and expense of setting up an iSight for her to use and she just looks at you and says “Why would you want that camera thing on your computer?”

    Or, or when I set up her computer (the one she barely uses) to access her work e-mail and she uses it once in the LAST THREE MONTHS.

    Or, to have her ask a question like “why do we need more than one iPod?” JOHN THAT’S…

    hold on…

    (pause)

    that’s pain…

  23. Albert says:

    You need to just let go…

  24. Stephen says:

    Geez, you guys have to help me! I mean, I got to listening to Abert and his advice just kinda drew me in, sorta hypnotic like.

    Well, next thing I know, after all that “let it go” stuff he kept saying,

    I, um, did.

    Now what I want to know is- who’s gonna clean this mess up?

    Not ME, buddy- I was just following orders!

  25. Peter says:

    I have this one friend who has mistreated a number of different powerbooks including:

    • Putting a screwdriver through the screen of one.

    • Throwing one (maybe the same one) out of a window. Or maybe it was a harddrive. Probably the laptop, knowing him.

    • Having the whole thing thrown across a hallway, into a concrete brick wall. To be fair, this one wasn’t his fault. Just like one of the two times he totaled his car… while stopped.

  26. wtf? says:

    Where did the part about the fruit ibook on the toilet go?

  27. tommy says:

    If we wait long enough maybe my powerbook will be the answer to the conflict in Iraq that is killing hundreds of people weekly… or maybe I’ll just help evict Bush from the white house by voting online.

  28. luxuryluke says:

    What does UGLUK have to say about all this hoodoo?

  29. Heab Caen says:

    Don’t call it Frisco!

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