Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey! Did you see that Microsoft cut a deal with Major League Baseball to keep Mac users from watching America’s favorite pastime… America’s game… online?!

A: Uh, yeah, but…

Q: Oh, man, that is bullcrap!

A: “Bullcrap”? You know you can swear on this site.

Q: Oh. Really? Oh. Well… you know, I think I’ll just stick with “bullcrap.” I don’t use it that much and I was thinking I should use it more.

A: Suit yourself.

Q: So, anyway, what is up with that?! Frickin’ Microsoft, man! They’re just trying to screw Mac users! I swear, I’m gonna get some guys together and we’re gonna get into my truck and go up there and…

A: Hey. HEY! The CNet article was wrong. You can watch baseball online on the Mac. Works just fine.

Q: What?

A: Yeah. Right from Safari.

Q: Oh. Still, though… Microsoft, man…

A: Rod… I don’t think you’re mad at Microsoft. Are you?

Q: Well… maybe… maybe not.

A: Rod… who are you mad at?

Q: I dunno.

A: Rod…

Q: Un-uh.

A: Rod…

Q: My… my dad, I guess. I guess I might be mad at my dad. For being… away so much.

A: There. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Don’t you feel better?

Q: Yeah.

Q: I have a 12-inch PowerBook that had been working great. After working fine for months, I found I was getting occasional system crashes. They just seemed to get worse and worse and I think it might have started when I upgraded the RAM. How should I go about testing if my memory is good?

A: You’re problem isn’t with your PowerBook. It’s with intimacy.

Q: Uhhh… it is? OK. How is intimacy going to prevent system crashes?

A: I think you know. I think deep down inside you… you know.

Q: I… really… don’t.

A: Ever since you were a young child you’ve been looking for intimacy. Your parents pushed you away. Your father was severe. You won’t find intimacy with a stable operating system, Richard.

Q: Dave.

A: Dave.

Q: So… you’re not going to help me with my system crashes.

A: I’m not going to treat the symptom, Darren.

Q: Dave.

A: Dave. I’m going to treat the cause.

Q: And… the cause of my system crashes is… a fear on intimacy.

A: There. You said it. I think we’ve made some progress.

Q: That’s… uh… that’s great. So… my system won’t crash anymore?

A: Oh, Daryl!

Q: Dave.

A: Oh, Dave! If only it were that easy! But, our time is up for this week. I have an opening on Tuesday… Shall I pencil you in?

Q: I have a… question about… my 21-inch iMac…

A: No, you don’t, Rebecca.

Q: You’re right. I don’t!

A: What you have are the desires of a young woman! A young woman yearning to feel! Yearning to live again!

Q: Oh, Dr. Fenderman!

A: Make love to me, Rebecca! Make love to me the way you always wanted to make love to Ramone but couldn’t tell him about before he got killed in that dreadful thresher accident! His young, virile body strewn in small, bloody chunks across the soft, summer wheat!

Q: But, Dr. Fenderman, you’re my therapist!

A: Oh, it may not be perfect, Rebecca, and it may not be ethical, and it may not be sanctioned by the National Board of Psychotherapy, and it may not even be comfortable on this… rather small couch… but if it was good enough for Nick and Barbra in The Prince of Tides, it’s good enough for us!

Q: Oooooooh…. Dr. Fenderman!

A: [in to intercom] Gladys, hold my calls.