09 Apr 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: Hey! Did you see that Microsoft cut a deal with Major League Baseball to keep Mac users from watching America’s favorite pastime… America’s game… online?!

A: Uh, yeah, but…

Q: Oh, man, that is bullcrap!

A: “Bullcrap”? You know you can swear on this site.

Q: Oh. Really? Oh. Well… you know, I think I’ll just stick with “bullcrap.” I don’t use it that much and I was thinking I should use it more.

A: Suit yourself.

Q: So, anyway, what is up with that?! Frickin’ Microsoft, man! They’re just trying to screw Mac users! I swear, I’m gonna get some guys together and we’re gonna get into my truck and go up there and…

A: Hey. HEY! The CNet article was wrong. You can watch baseball online on the Mac. Works just fine.

Q: What?

A: Yeah. Right from Safari.

Q: Oh. Still, though… Microsoft, man…

A: Rod… I don’t think you’re mad at Microsoft. Are you?

Q: Well… maybe… maybe not.

A: Rod… who are you mad at?

Q: I dunno.

A: Rod…

Q: Un-uh.

A: Rod…

Q: My… my dad, I guess. I guess I might be mad at my dad. For being… away so much.

A: There. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Don’t you feel better?

Q: Yeah.


Q: I have a 12-inch PowerBook that had been working great. After working fine for months, I found I was getting occasional system crashes. They just seemed to get worse and worse and I think it might have started when I upgraded the RAM. How should I go about testing if my memory is good?

A: You’re problem isn’t with your PowerBook. It’s with intimacy.

Q: Uhhh… it is? OK. How is intimacy going to prevent system crashes?

A: I think you know. I think deep down inside you… you know.

Q: I… really… don’t.

A: Ever since you were a young child you’ve been looking for intimacy. Your parents pushed you away. Your father was severe. You won’t find intimacy with a stable operating system, Richard.

Q: Dave.

A: Dave.

Q: So… you’re not going to help me with my system crashes.

A: I’m not going to treat the symptom, Darren.

Q: Dave.

A: Dave. I’m going to treat the cause.

Q: And… the cause of my system crashes is… a fear on intimacy.

A: There. You said it. I think we’ve made some progress.

Q: That’s… uh… that’s great. So… my system won’t crash anymore?

A: Oh, Daryl!

Q: Dave.

A: Oh, Dave! If only it were that easy! But, our time is up for this week. I have an opening on Tuesday… Shall I pencil you in?


Q: I have a… question about… my 21-inch iMac…

A: No, you don’t, Rebecca.

Q: You’re right. I don’t!

A: What you have are the desires of a young woman! A young woman yearning to feel! Yearning to live again!

Q: Oh, Dr. Fenderman!

A: Make love to me, Rebecca! Make love to me the way you always wanted to make love to Ramone but couldn’t tell him about before he got killed in that dreadful thresher accident! His young, virile body strewn in small, bloody chunks across the soft, summer wheat!

Q: But, Dr. Fenderman, you’re my therapist!

A: Oh, it may not be perfect, Rebecca, and it may not be ethical, and it may not be sanctioned by the National Board of Psychotherapy, and it may not even be comfortable on this… rather small couch… but if it was good enough for Nick and Barbra in The Prince of Tides, it’s good enough for us!

Q: Oooooooh…. Dr. Fenderman!

A: [in to intercom] Gladys, hold my calls.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. chunks? says:

    chunks?

  2. Spiro T. Agnew says:

    Using the Freudian logic implied in this article I can extrapolate the those calling in with intimacy problems must be in denial about computer issues.

  3. Aaron says:

    I need to take a class in Applied Transference.

  4. Great Milenko says:

    I’m having problems with my “applications” not fully launching during inter…when clicking on the dock. I’ve had several women to try clicking on the dock, but no results. They’ve tried using a mouse, the trackpad, and quick key launches. It always starts with a bouncing on the dock, but always ends with a flacid icon just sitting there. Sitting there mocking me! Mocking me, I tell ya!

  5. bennok says:

    CARS has spoken, and there you have it folks. A 21″ iMac is on the way.

  6. Nobody says:

    That’s just crazy! 21 inches?! It can’t be done! It’s just a crazy rumor.

  7. kman says:

    Oh, John, you’re going to have to do much better than that. Tell me, what is it really that drives this disturbing fascination with the macabre. His young, virile body strewn in small, bloody chunks across the soft, summer wheat? That’s a seriously disturbed mind speaking. You’re not telling me the whole story. Really, what is it?

  8. Aaron says:

    I think he must have been thinking of the U.S.S. Thresher, the nuclear sub that sank in 1963, killing its crew.

  9. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    You ever *see* anyone after they’ve gone through a thresher? Not pretty. The marks never go away, either.

  10. David says:

    Yay! Sex! Small, bloody chunks across the soft, summer wheat! Oooooooh…. Dr. Fenderman!

    Shall I pencil you in? I think so.

  11. APA says:

    Do you have a liscense to practice clinical counseling? Do you Derick? Because, we want our cut. Get with the program!

  12. EMan says:

    “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

    –Sigmund Freud

  13. Deryk says:

    Actually it is spelled “Deryk”

    -Deryk

  14. deRik says:

    no, actually it’s deRik

  15. BrYan says:

    “Gladys, hold my calls”

    ROFL. priceless!

  16. fuddes says:

    John Moltz didn’t write this article. I wrote this article. This morning I hacked into the CARS website and replaced their non-funny article with this hilarious one.

    You can all thank me by sending me pie.

  17. Ozi says:

    Or we could send you a cream pie, into your FACE! Mwa ha, hardy ha. *coughs*

    Anyway… the U.S.S Thresher lost 129 men, not just one. So therefore, there would be a lot MORE bloody chucks strewn across the wheat… So im sorry Aaron, good theory, but no. You are wrong. 😛

    ~ozi

  18. Hmm... says:

    Hmmm… no one said it… so I guess I will just have to

    “FIRST POST”

  19. The Valrus says:

    The Prince Of Tides reference ++

  20. doggo says:

    What I want to know is; when is Saturday Night Live going to hire Moltz as a writer? Or, or, In Living Color? No, wait, they’re not on anymore. OK, oh, MAD TV, he could write for MAD TV (better than summa that crap they got on there now). Ooh, he could write for Crank Yankers. The New Scooby-Doo Adventures? I dunno, but he ees fun-ee!

  21. Jawyn says:

    “I’m having problems with my ‘applications’ not fully launching during inter…when clicking on the dock. I’ve had several women to try clicking on the dock, but no results. They’ve tried using a mouse, the trackpad, and quick key launches. It always starts with a bouncing on the dock, but always ends with a flacid icon just sitting there. Sitting there mocking me! Mocking me, I tell ya!”

    HAHA!!

    Usually that sort of problem can be fixed by rebooting… you know “rebooting”.. eh? eh?

    …….

    Flipping it off and then on…. eh? eh?

    No? Nothing?

  22. Abo says:

    Hmm, I’m having a different problem. There is this application called “Male” and sometimes it just keeps on bouncing. Of course one can force quit it, but Apple did a very good job on reducing application relaunch times, so before you know it it is up and bouncing again – especially when there is a lot of “meat” coming in.

    And then there is this I Chat program, which not only does a lot of bouncing, but makes Oh-ooh sounds as well.

    Seriously, I don’t see how anyone can complain about too few bouncing…

  23. DanDavey says:

    Hi. I have a question for you. I have been useing my G3 slot-loading iMac with panther on it for almost a year now. Suddenly part of the keyboard stopped working. It is the the numbers on the right hand side. Just the numbers, nothing else.

    I really know Macs well but this one just stumped me. If you could email me an answer it would be greatly appreaciated.

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