16 Apr 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I have a printing problem. I recently installed an OS X update and now I can’t print. What should I do?

A: You will want to delete the printer in Print Center, repair permissions and then set up the printer again.

Q: OK, let me try that. OK… deleting…. repairing… OK… Let me try to print now… Ooh, it’s working! Hey, that’s great! I think I’m in love!

A: Dude.

Q: Oh! No. Heh. No, I mean the kind of love a man has for, like, baseball. You know… platonic manly love. Not… hot, sweaty man love. ‘Cause I’m not into the man on man thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with it for other people if that’s what they’re into… I just… well, you know I gave it some thought in college and boy did that make me uncomfortable! Ha-ha! It was like, WOW! Is that how they do it? Because I so don’t want that! I’ll just put that back into that little mental box I never open! Ha-ha! So, yeah, seriously, no. No. Just… sort of the love of two good buddies not two… uh… good buddies who… like…

A: Dude.

Q: I’m just making it worse, aren’t I. But, seriously, though, I’m not gay.


Q: I noticed that Konfabulator got updated to version 1.6 which MacCentral says is “optimized for Panther.” What does that mean? “Optimized for Panther”? Vendors throw that out there but does anyone know what that means? What is this so-called optimization?

A: Oh, no. No, that’s just a marketing phrase, like “New and improved!” It doesn’t mean anything. It might mean something to them… like, damn, I had to re-code all that stuff just to get it to… uh… fabulate again. But it doesn’t mean anything to you.

Q: Oh. Kind of like “Now with lanolin”?

A: Uh… well… yeah, I guess. Although… I guess that would mean they actually did add lanolin… which might mean something to you.

Q: It doesn’t. Well, how about “The choice of five out of seven Asian porn stars”?

A: What? Where did you see that one?

Q: Actually, it’s on a flyer that came with iLife.

A: Wow. I had no idea Asian porn stars were big users of iLife. I mean… it’s not inconceivable, but…

Q: Oh, wait, wait, wait. That’s not iLife! Jeez, how did that get in there?! Ha-ha! See, it’s actually…

A: You know what? I don’t think I want to know.


Q: I was struck by the coincidental timing of Real Networks fatwa to Apple and Osama bin Laden’s offer of a truce to Europe. It kind of got me thinking… how would Steve Jobs deal with terrorism?

A: Oh, please, there would be no terrorism if Steve were in charge.

Q: Really? You think?

A: Certainly. Everything would be nothing but puppies and kittens and we’d all live in a gingerbread house next to a chocolate lake and it’d be happy spring fun time!

Q: Hmm. Interesting. Well, that brings up a lot of questions, though. Like… how does one go about enacting happy spring fun time legislation? I mean, how would Steve go about implementing this vision?

A: Well, I believe it begins in committee. And while your legislative assistants are putting together the bill language, you have to get industry backing by working closely with the lobbyists.

Q: I see. So, I’m guessing here, in your happy spring fun time example, it would be the powerful gingerbread and chocolate industries instead of, say, defense contractors.

A: Oh, well, the magical candy land would have to be protected by killer cyborgs. Did I not mention that?

Q: Oh. No.

A: Ha-ha! Well, yeah, you can’t have magical candy land without killer cyborgs roaming the perimeter and vaporizing any intruders with their hideous death rays! That’s just… silly.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Del says:

    Hmmm chocolate lake

  2. mr. conspiracy says:

    FIRST! (or was i?)

  3. Ozi says:

    no but neither was I…. 🙁

  4. Switcher in Ohio says:

    Platonic manly love.

    mmmmmmmmmmm

  5. EMan says:

    Do the killer cyborgs look like Oompa Loompas?

  6. Anonymous says:

    mmmmm, (female) Asian porn stars in magical candy land covered with chocalate lake water

  7. pdot says:

    The link to Bin Laden’s truce. Here’s a dumb quote “Stop shedding our blood to save your own and the solution to this simple but complex equation is in your hands.” Simple, but complex? Um, that’s…is that something like “2i”?

  8. Jon says:

    My vote for the “Official CARS Slogan” is:

    “That’s just… *silly*.”

    John Moltz, I can’t recall a more appropriate quote for CARS.

    (None of the “sexbot” ones stand out, although I’m sure you could come up with one if you put your mind to it….)

    😉

  9. Oh man.. I almost spit out my sandwich when I read the last one.. “Everything would be nothing but puppies and kittens and we’d all live in a gingerbread house next to a chocolate lake and it’d be happy spring fun time!”..

    John, awesome job!

  10. Ed says:

    Mr. Conspiracy,

    There IS NO Conspiracy! It’s all in your head! We are here to help you! If you would take that tin foil hat off you would come to understand how wrong you are and how right we are.

    Remember We’re here to help you!

    Ed

    PS: We saw what you did last night!

  11. Laemkral says:

    Mr. Conspiracy, do not listen to him. There IS a conspiracy and I’m a part of it. The Inquisition has been spawning conspiracies for as long as we can remember, and probably longer than that cause they like to do sneaky things such as close down the active Inquisition and start up a new one elsewhere with a whole new batch of people. Don’t ask how I know this, it’s just a further part of the conspiracy.

    Currently we are working with Apple to help develop these cybernetic killing machines Moltz just HAPPENED to leak. Now we have to go over the entire infrastructure of the factory and execute any heretics or insiders.

    On the bright side, Apple will now be able to guard it’s stores with killer cyborgs to cut down on theft and ensure an appropriate number of people switch.

    Also, purchase a G5 Xserve supercomputer and get a free killer cyborg for security purposes.

    Now, you will all forget everything you just heard while I plot my escape. Hey, look over THERE! IT’S A DISTRACTION!

    *flees*

  12. Hot Sweaty Man Love says:

    You left out the part where the puppies and kittens would have their asses sewn shut so as not to defile Steve’s perfect peppermint land.

  13. Aaron says:

    NO!

    CANDY. ANIMALS. SHIT. CHOCOLATE.

    How many more times do we have to say that?

  14. Laemkral says:

    Mr. Conspiracy, do not listen to him. There IS a conspiracy and I’m a part of it. The Inquisition has been spawning conspiracies for as long as we can remember, and probably longer than that cause they like to do sneaky things such as close down the active Inquisition and start up a new one elsewhere with a whole new batch of people. Don’t ask how I know this, it’s just a further part of the conspiracy.

    Currently we are working with Apple to help develop these cybernetic killing machines Moltz just HAPPENED to leak. Now we have to go over the entire infrastructure of the factory and execute any heretics or insiders.

    On the bright side, Apple will now be able to guard it’s stores with killer cyborgs to cut down on theft and ensure an appropriate number of people switch.

    Also, purchase a G5 Xserve supercomputer and get a free killer cyborg for security purposes.

    Now, you will all forget everything you just heard while I plot my escape. Hey, look over THERE! IT’S A DISTRACTION!

    *flees*

  15. Laemkral says:

    My apologies for the double post, the network uplink servitor is being dumb again and will be shot. Again. This time I intend to minimize the need for aiming by placing the weapon against it’s skull. Just remember, this is only more proof there is a conspiracy. Infact, anything relating to me is somehow proof of a conspiracy.

  16. Brother Mugga says:

    Is it wrong that I’m now imagining the killer cyborgs in compromising positions with the fembots?

    And drawing little pictures.

    With sound effects.

    Anyone?

    Brother Mugga

  17. thescoot106 says:

    Everyone knows that there would be killer cyborgs in the magical candy land. DUH!!!

  18. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    don’t forget snow white

  19. Uncle Ho says:

    I thought I was the choice of 5 out of 7 asian porn stars..

    DAMM!! There goes my reputation.

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