13 May 04Apple Working on Optical Cheese

Sources in Apple hardware engineering indicate the company is working on an astounding new storage technology, that will revolutionize the industry. According to sources, optical cheese drives have been seen and smelled in test units throughout One Infinite Loop.

While having a short shelf life, cheese is highly ubiquitous, and with a stack of individually sliced American cheese going for $1.50, optical cheese brings an exciting alternative to the world of cheap data storage.

Refusing to confirm or deny that Apple was working on optical cheese drives, Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Jon Rubinstein did validate the importance of the technology.

“Highly perishable optical storage is the wave of the future,” Rubinstein said. “Uh… much like we said DVD-RAM was. Only this time we’re totally sure.

“No, really. You can take optical cheese to the bank.

“Just don’t leave it out in the sun! Ha-ha! ‘Cause… ha! Ha-ha! It’s… cheese! Dontcha… dontcha know… Ahhhh… heh… cheese…”

Sources were sketchy on the data storage capacity of a typical slice of cheese, but indicated that, as one would expect, cheese with holes in it holds less data than solid cheese.

“Unfortunately,” one source said, “Gruyer is the best cheese for data storage. You can really pack a lot of segments on to gruyer for some reason. It’d be nice if it was a more readily available cheese like cheddar, but… gruyer. What are ya gonna do?

“Eeeeyup. Gruyer.

“No, really. It’s gruyer. I don’t know why you’re having such a hard time with this.”

Despite initial suspicions, there is in fact a cheese called “gruyer”.

Apple optical cheese drives are expected to be announced at DairyWorld 2004 in Wisconsin in August.

No Responses to “Apple Working on Optical Cheese”

  1. John Moltz says:

    First post.


  2. Scott M. says:

    I had optical cheese once. A shot of antibiotics cleared it right up.

  3. Garnack says:

    Ok John, you can have first post but you can’t win the mini.

  4. benn says:

    that was the better “first post” ever.

  5. C’est Gruy√®re, pas gruyer, nom d’un p’tit bonhomme de bois!

  6. MacStansbury says:

    Moltz! I want to see you in my office!

    And let this be a warning to you other people! No first posting by the staff! I’m looking at you Howard…

  7. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    What kind of wine would one use with optical cheese? Would one imbibe it, or drench the keyboard with it?

  8. poserdad says:

    The article mentions American Cheese, but the photo shows Swiss. Are there going to be different Optical Cheese Protocols?

  9. a random dude says:

    Does the optical cheese go well on nachos? And how many uses do I get from it before it’s only good for nachos?

  10. Introducing Cheeeze For Windoze. For all of your data storage, lesbian midget needs.

    John, John, John. Maybe it’s time for us to get beyond the dairy thing. Just leave my lesbian midgets alone. The Entity wants to talk to them about a job opening.

    (insert bad joke here)

  11. Pres. Cheese Council says:

    Absolutely poserdad there will be a format battle. The U.S.-based Apple-IBM-Parmalat USA alliance, which is attempting to ratify the Chedd-R format as an official IEEE standard, is up against the joint Euro-Japan alliance of Toshiba-Parlmalat Italia, which is focusing on Chedd+R. Undoubtedly industry bigwigs like Dell will adopt the ill-conceived Chedd+R format, causing it to surge in popularity despite the standards-oriented Chedd-R format.

    No doubt we will see future generations of cheese drives capable of supporting multiple cheeses, including the rumored double density Asiago and dual layer Provolone.

  12. Jimmy Olsen says:


    Redmond, WA (Reuters)- Software giant Microsoft announced today that it had patented a new system of storage technology based on microbiologically processed dairy products. Specifications for the new process were not released but spokesperson Lisa Albers promised that “as usual, our innovative approach to software development has produced a completely new concept in data technology. I mean, it’s not like that Apple stuff at all. Just try to use THEIR cheese product in Windows, and you’ll see! THEIR cheese won’t work any better than their MPEG4s! So, it’s all ours, right?”

    Ms. Albers added that Microsoft Cheese Services would be integrated into the kernel of the upcoming Microsoft operating system, code-named Longhorn, due for release in 2006. She then threatened to sue a cameraman who was eating a ham-and-swiss sandwich for patent infringement.

  13. ZethoMarx says:

    George: “I was out, Jerry. I was OUT! I was sitting in my apartment, stripped to the waist, eating a hunk of cheese the size of a car battery…”

    Boy, imagine the data storage potential inherent there.

  14. Shareholder says:

    More on the upcoming Longhorn release from Microsoft.


  15. Chris says:

    “It smelled like the number on the door . . . .” (Two.)

  16. Fabrizio says:

    No comment on the famous blue-ray/blue-cheese combo??????

  17. shamed says:

    Will there be an external USB 2.0 Cheese Drive available? And will it be supported on OS 10.2.8? Or is this one of Apple’s ploys to get me to buy a new Mac?

  18. Anonymous says:

    Nutrition facts and MB on the same box, I can’t wait.

  19. Anonymous says:

    the NEW optical cheese drive? Then why is it in an old powerbook? o.O

  20. greenacres says:

    Does anyone know the long-term effects of using cheese in a computer? I can imagine someday finding the data throughput slowing down to the cpu unless I buy some L3-cache-cleaning software or having a data-bypass operation….

  21. Malc says:

    When can we expect the portable Havarti Drives?

  22. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Blessed are the cheesemakers!

  23. Mr Mouse says:

    I wonder how they expect to keep the data safe from the elements. Just throw the messed up ones over toward my hole. I am sure I can find some other use for such.

  24. ZethoMarx says:

    “Mr. Mouse,” is that it, now??

    Too much of a bigshot to go by “Mickey” any more?

    Whatcha gonna do when Jobs is RUNNING YOUR ASS, HUH!

    Then what, “Mr. Mouse”? Huh? HUH?

    Oh, sure, give that little nervous, high-pitched laugh. That ain’t gonna save you now.

  25. eric says:

    how do they prevent the cheese from sweating

    and how abound that foot odor

  26. RMR says:

    Cheese storage? Wow. Numerous points.

    This goes so far beyond “my dog ate my homework.” How about “my Dad ate my homework?”

    Would different kinds of data affect the taste? I’m guessing the appendix of my dissertation would taste a lot less spicy than Moltz’s lesbian midget porn.

    And isn’t Steve a strict Vegan? That would seem to limit the Cheese drive to softer cheeses?

  27. Benzakonium says:

    Wrong article sorry ;o)

  28. Anonymous says:


  29. David M says:

    The rapid expansion of optical cheese storage in the UK has lead to the development of a large scale data warehouses; apparently the success of the Edam variant has taken the digital storage industry by suprise.

    In an interview for NBC, Daisy, who procuded the sector leading product said ‘ Moo, moooo’ roughly translated as ‘ Yes your quite right, optical cheese is the future’.

    However tragedy struck downtown New York last week, when MacDonalds accidently mistook their data archives for cheese slices, and served hundreds of customers large sections of the their annual accounts, one shocked consumer commented ‘It was cheesy and delicous, it was only later I realised I had eaten the forth quater company results’

    One storage industry analyst comments: ‘ These isolated incidents of mass data consumption further highlight data integrity fears’ earlier is son added ‘I accidently ate my dads copy of Farcry, I took the half the cheese back to PC World, but they said eating half of the cheese invalidated the waranty’.

  30. Tenniru says:

    That’s great, but how fast will songs on the CheeseDisk be imported to iTunes? It had better be fast.

    Granted, the publishers will probably put some really cheesy music on these CheeseDisks.