Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Hay, HELPDESKGUY! Du yoo w@nt tu watch gurlz gettin funk-ay with sn@kes? 1’m t@lking ab0ut h0t gurlz w1th sn@kes! Th1s iz b1zz@are @nd funk-ay @ction! H0w du they du it, HELPDESKGUY?! H0w c@n they gEt funk-ay with sn@kes?!
A: Uh… well, I think I have a pretty good idea.
Q: 000h n0! Yoo have nver scene gurlz with sn@kes like theez! Theez R gurlz do-in it w1th sn@kes!
A: I’ve been to Thailand.
Q: Oh. OK, then maybe you have. So… uh… is it as hot as everyone says?
Q: Oh. OK. Well… uh… how about a… h0t m0rtgage! 000h, yaya, theez r@tes R t00 h0t t0 handle! H0w c@n we 0ffur r@tes s0 l0w?!
A: Ooh, look at the time.
Q: Hey, I read your story yesterday about optical cheese and I was appalled!
A: I assure you, all of our articles are painstakingly researched and interviewed. I don’t know who told you optical cheese was not possible, but…
Q: “Gruyere”! I’m from the National Gruyere Council and it’s spelled “Gruyere”! With an “e” at the end and it’s capitalized! God, what is wrong with you?! I hate it when people misspell Gruyere! Gruyere did not go through hundreds of years of culinary evolution to be called “gruyer”!
A: Well, I’m really sorry. Anyway, as it turns out it actually should have been Edam anyway.
A: Yeah. Edam’s more dense. Holds together better.
Q: Ah, crap. Really?
A: Yeah. And that red stuff on the outside somehow protects it during the burning process. What the heck is that stuff?
Q: Dammit. Because… you know… I hate those guys over at the National Edam Council.
Q: Well, uh, look… Help Desk Guy, is it? Look, Help Desk Guy… du yoo w@nt tu watch gurlz gettin funk-ay with Gruyere?! Theez h0t chikz l0ve Gruyere! Thay l0ve it in bi& wheelz, thay l0ve it slyced, they l0ve it in l1ttle baybee bellz! 000h, mama, 1’m t@lkin h0t Gruyere action!
A: [sigh] I cannot even remember the last time I had a Mac-related question.
A: What? What is it?
Q: No. I’ll… I’ll just come back later.
A: No. No. Go ahead. I’d rather just get it over with.
Q: Sorry. It’s just… you know… a thing I have to do.
A: I understand.
Q: Hay, HELPDESKGUY! W00ld yoo l1ke t0 see h0t, h0t gurlz gettin thayr fre@k 0n w1th… You know, I actually don’t even make any money off of this. I just do it as a hobby.
A: Can we get on with this please?
Q: Um… OK. Where was I?
A: Gurlz gettin thayr freak 0n with…
Q: Oh, yeah. Ahem. W00ld yoo l1ke t0 see h0t, h0t gurlz gettin thayr fre@k 0n w1th c0mputer 1ndustree pr0fessi0nalz?! Theez gurlz @re…
A: What?! With what?!
Q: Um… c0mputer 1ndustree pr0fessi0nalz.
A: That… that is the lamest porn solicitation I’ve ever had.
Q: Jeez! You… you know… you could try to be a little supportive of my hobbies!
A: Dude, I don’t know you. And I don’t have to support your weird predilections!
Q: Oh, please! This from a man who’s into hamster porn!
A: I’m not “in to” hamster porn! I just… I just think it’s funny, is all.