14 May 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hay, HELPDESKGUY! Du yoo w@nt tu watch gurlz gettin funk-ay with sn@kes? 1’m t@lking ab0ut h0t gurlz w1th sn@kes! Th1s iz b1zz@are @nd funk-ay @ction! H0w du they du it, HELPDESKGUY?! H0w c@n they gEt funk-ay with sn@kes?!

A: Uh… well, I think I have a pretty good idea.

Q: 000h n0! Yoo have nver scene gurlz with sn@kes like theez! Theez R gurlz do-in it w1th sn@kes!

A: I’ve been to Thailand.

Q: Oh. OK, then maybe you have. So… uh… is it as hot as everyone says?

A: N-no.

Q: Oh. OK. Well… uh… how about a… h0t m0rtgage! 000h, yaya, theez r@tes R t00 h0t t0 handle! H0w c@n we 0ffur r@tes s0 l0w?!

A: Ooh, look at the time.

Q: Hey, I read your story yesterday about optical cheese and I was appalled!

A: I assure you, all of our articles are painstakingly researched and interviewed. I don’t know who told you optical cheese was not possible, but…

Q: “Gruyere”! I’m from the National Gruyere Council and it’s spelled “Gruyere”! With an “e” at the end and it’s capitalized! God, what is wrong with you?! I hate it when people misspell Gruyere! Gruyere did not go through hundreds of years of culinary evolution to be called “gruyer”!

A: Well, I’m really sorry. Anyway, as it turns out it actually should have been Edam anyway.


A: Yeah. Edam’s more dense. Holds together better.

Q: Ah, crap. Really?

A: Yeah. And that red stuff on the outside somehow protects it during the burning process. What the heck is that stuff?

Q: Dammit. Because… you know… I hate those guys over at the National Edam Council.

A: Sure.

Q: Well, uh, look… Help Desk Guy, is it? Look, Help Desk Guy… du yoo w@nt tu watch gurlz gettin funk-ay with Gruyere?! Theez h0t chikz l0ve Gruyere! Thay l0ve it in bi& wheelz, thay l0ve it slyced, they l0ve it in l1ttle baybee bellz! 000h, mama, 1’m t@lkin h0t Gruyere action!

A: [sigh] I cannot even remember the last time I had a Mac-related question.

Q: Um…

A: What? What is it?

Q: No. I’ll… I’ll just come back later.

A: No. No. Go ahead. I’d rather just get it over with.

Q: Sorry. It’s just… you know… a thing I have to do.

A: I understand.

Q: Hay, HELPDESKGUY! W00ld yoo l1ke t0 see h0t, h0t gurlz gettin thayr fre@k 0n w1th… You know, I actually don’t even make any money off of this. I just do it as a hobby.

A: Can we get on with this please?

Q: Um… OK. Where was I?

A: Gurlz gettin thayr freak 0n with…

Q: Oh, yeah. Ahem. W00ld yoo l1ke t0 see h0t, h0t gurlz gettin thayr fre@k 0n w1th c0mputer 1ndustree pr0fessi0nalz?! Theez gurlz @re…

A: What?! With what?!

Q: Um… c0mputer 1ndustree pr0fessi0nalz.

A: That… that is the lamest porn solicitation I’ve ever had.

Q: Jeez! You… you know… you could try to be a little supportive of my hobbies!

A: Dude, I don’t know you. And I don’t have to support your weird predilections!

Q: Oh, please! This from a man who’s into hamster porn!

A: I’m not “in to” hamster porn! I just… I just think it’s funny, is all.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Herbert says:

    Last post! I know it’s only temporary, but what isn’t in life.

  2. Sherbert says:

    Council! National Edam Council! We didn’t go through hundreds of years of culinary evolution to be called “counsel”! I hate those guys over at the Help Desk!

  3. a random guy says:


    Do you need some sort of liscence for hamster porn? Because I’ve got some gerbils and they were looking to get into some hamster action. Oh yeah, one more thing. They like doing it in front of Macs, is there a Mac that they would be better off in front of? You know…for…reasons…

  4. ZethoMarx says:

    random guy: you should be sure to check out ichatwithnakedhamsters.com

    or the related site: ichatwithnakedgerbils.com

    The icons are really funny, by the way.

  5. John Moltz says:

    Man, you’d think a guy who was so concerned about how to spell Gruyere would also care about spelling Council right. These people who call in to the Help Desk, I’ll tell you what…

  6. Aaron says:

    I thought it was Gruyère, with the accent aigu.


  7. Patrick says:

    When you say Edam, don’t you really mean Gouda?

  8. But are the hamsters lesbians? Or even on fire?

    Pish. The lack of quality in recent help desks is appalling.

    MacCentral is waaaaaay funnier.

  9. Ankle says:

    Aaron é is aigu, not è

  10. Anonymous says:

    How Ironyic

  11. Not Me says:



  12. Brother Mugga says:

    In an entirely unrelated theme (as my lawyers wish to emphasise), our American cousins might be amused to learn that when silver-haired film throb Dicky Gere visited Limey-Land a few years ago he popped into Harrods. When interviewed about this little excursion on the evening news, one of the staff commented (with a commendably straight face): “Oh yes, he really seemed to enjoy himself. Liked the clothes and the gadgets, but seemed particularly interested in the pet section.”

    God I love being British.

    Brother Mugga

  13. El Capitano Corelli says:

    Y’all mean Jarlsberg, anyway. Not Gruyere. Or Gouda.

    p.s. Mugga – me too.

  14. Anonymous says:

    I can’t believe it. Feckin’ CARS edited out my aol… slash aol tags. How lame is that?

  15. Adaman says:

    Two Mac Users Joke About Steve Jobs As A Superhero

    Earlier today on iChat, two Mac users began to joke about Steve Jobs being a superhero. One of them, Adam Ashwell, was reported as saying, “Da na na na na na na na na na na na na na na STEVE JOBS!”, and the other, Josh Rosenburg, reportedly replied, “Quick! To the iMobile!”. Steve Jobs immediately refuted these claims. “I have no iMobile, those won’t be out until 2005”, said the alleged superhero at a hearing 15 minutes later, “And I assure you, that is not my theme song.” Steve Jobs then heard that these two Mac users had also joked about Bill Gates being the Joker. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in my life, ” he retorted, “I mean, he’s more like the Riddler, or something, or maybe even the Green Goblin from Spiderman…but, the JOKER? C’mon, man, use your brain.”

  16. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    pvt tracker is down.

  17. andrew. says:

    I’ve just thought it was funny about how many people have commented about the Hamster Porn.

  18. We’re not “in to” hamster porn! We just…we just think it’s funny, is all.

  19. Zweben! says:

    Good to see that CARS is back to its former state of hilarity.

  20. Bryan Hardie says:

    Can you put me in touch with that caller, the one with the gurlz with sn@kez? It for my, umm, friend… You know…

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