Apple Readying Impossible Firmware Updates.

According to sources in Apple hardware, the company is readying a series of firmware updates for each member of the company’s products, from the diminutive iPod mini to the formidable Power Mac G5. The updates, upon first glance, perform changes that appear to be impossible.

  • A Power Mac G5 update will increase clock speeds by 1 GHz, bringing parity with comparable PC offerings.
  • Updates for the iMac line will alter the plastic shell of the base, to make it seem less cheap. Some high-end models may, hydra-like, sprout second LCD monitors. Users are to be warned that some hissing is normal.
  • PowerBook shells will be converted from aluminum to adamantium making them fricking indestructible and even bosser than they already are.
  • iBooks will be updated to PowerBooks, with all the requisite ports and bragging rights thereof.
  • The eMac update will turn the CRT into an LCD and alter the space/time continuum so that they were always so, making Jobs’ claim of several years ago of an all-LCD lineup finally true.
  • The iPod mini update will make it even smaller, and reduce the price to the fabled $100, depositing $150 into the owner’s bank account.
  • Finally, an update for the standard iPod will just actually work, as opposed to the 2004-04-28 update.

Asked how these impossible firmware updates could be accomplished in accordance with the laws of physics, time and space in force in this universe, an Apple source laughed dryly.

“We’re Apple, baby,” the source said, donning dark glasses and pointing his index finger at CARS reporters before making a shooting gesture and an accompanying sound effect. “That’s what we do.”

Turning dramatically, the source began to walk off with a swagger, but abruptly bumped into a street pole, knocking the glasses from his face.

“Dammit,” he muttered.