17 May 04Apple Readying Impossible Firmware Updates.

According to sources in Apple hardware, the company is readying a series of firmware updates for each member of the company’s products, from the diminutive iPod mini to the formidable Power Mac G5. The updates, upon first glance, perform changes that appear to be impossible.

  • A Power Mac G5 update will increase clock speeds by 1 GHz, bringing parity with comparable PC offerings.
  • Updates for the iMac line will alter the plastic shell of the base, to make it seem less cheap. Some high-end models may, hydra-like, sprout second LCD monitors. Users are to be warned that some hissing is normal.
  • PowerBook shells will be converted from aluminum to adamantium making them fricking indestructible and even bosser than they already are.
  • iBooks will be updated to PowerBooks, with all the requisite ports and bragging rights thereof.
  • The eMac update will turn the CRT into an LCD and alter the space/time continuum so that they were always so, making Jobs’ claim of several years ago of an all-LCD lineup finally true.
  • The iPod mini update will make it even smaller, and reduce the price to the fabled $100, depositing $150 into the owner’s bank account.
  • Finally, an update for the standard iPod will just actually work, as opposed to the 2004-04-28 update.

Asked how these impossible firmware updates could be accomplished in accordance with the laws of physics, time and space in force in this universe, an Apple source laughed dryly.

“We’re Apple, baby,” the source said, donning dark glasses and pointing his index finger at CARS reporters before making a shooting gesture and an accompanying sound effect. “That’s what we do.”

Turning dramatically, the source began to walk off with a swagger, but abruptly bumped into a street pole, knocking the glasses from his face.

“Dammit,” he muttered.

No Responses to “Apple Readying Impossible Firmware Updates.”

  1. Jon Wedaman says:

    heheh. Awesome story.

  2. 3RD POST BABY!!!! says:


    HA HA!

  3. mick says:

    fourth? i too can count. let’s celebrate.

  4. EMan says:

    You know, that 2004-04-28 did wonders to my 2G iPod. Sound check finally worked again. Why, if I didn’t know better, I’d say these so-called “firmware updates” were just made up or something.



  6. f-f-f..? says:



  7. Garnack says:

    Darn. My Quicksilver is left out again. I want a firmware update that will make it a Windows machine so it doesn’t suck anymore.

    Just kidding!

  8. Dmitri says:

    What about a firmware update that would turn my PCI G4 into a sexbot? I mean come on, everyone wants a sexbot. That and hamster porn.

  9. Tulse says:

    So, is “hamster porn” actually sex acts performed by hamsters? That seems, well, kinda boring.

    Unless they’re dressed up in little leather corsets…

  10. a random dude says:

    Does The Entity get to participate in the first post car contest? And besides would it matter if he won or not? Or even if he did couldn’t he just change the whole of the universe to reflect that he won in the first place? Not that it matters any way…

    i never get first post…

    {insert sound of expactoration}

    *hangs head*

  11. a random dude says:


    check out the friday help desk 3rd session from last week and you will know about hamster porn…my poor uneducated tulsan…*hangs head*

  12. Glibber says:

    I’ve been “updating” by “firmware” for over an hour.

  13. Patrick says:

    Is there a firmware update that makes jokes about firmware updates funny?

    Or do we have to wait for 10.4 Tiger?

  14. fuddes says:

    First post!

    Wait . . . damn.

  15. Brother Mugga says:

    r.e. Patrick’s post.

    Actually, I think that’s lined up for ‘Easy, Tiger (10.4)’.


    Brother Mugga

  16. 2000guitars says:

    Boss: This word needs to be more instyle. Dude.

  17. Boy Wonder says:

    2000 guitars?! Sweet surplus Batman, maybe he’ll give us one

  18. longdongsilver says:

    Anyone know what the hell happened to perversiontracker? It doesn’t seem to have a DNS entry anymore.

    Oh, I nearly forgot to mention: I have a big weiner.

  19. Kurt says:

    That’s pretty funny stuff. Keep it up!!

  20. Peter says:

    dang, i was hoping there would be an update to change my G4/400 mobo into a dual cpu compatible mobo.

  21. Del says:

    Well I had first post a while back and I didn’t say “First Post”. My new Mini showed about a week later. It’s really cool. It’s dark metalic blue with the black roof. I’m glad the entity took the time to research what options I need. Since I’m in Michigan he thoughfully added the cold weather package.

    I did have to clean a ton of dog hair out of the driver seat. Something tells me that Howard was the one who drove it up here for me.

    Way to go CARS! I really appreciate the car.

  22. Pirogoeth says:

    Ooo, so after the iMac monitor update, if I hack off one of the LCDs, will two more appear in its place? That would be like, awesome!

  23. UhhhDude says:

    Isn’t there a network firmware update that will send 10,000 volts through the ethernet to anyone who utters the phrase “Windows innovation”?

    If not, there oughta be.

  24. Adam Jackson says:

    That was greqat!

  25. Mike says:

    OK, what’s up with this? Are you outsourcing your writing now? Sheesh.

  26. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    oh damn longdong is here too.

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