18 May 04Bored Apple Executives Now Want A Pony.

Just over two years after unloading stock to fund the purchase of a puppy, several senior Apple executives, now bored with the full-grown dog, are eyeing another purchase.

Having just recently cashed in more stock, CFO Fred Anderson, Senior Vice President of Applications Sina Tamaddon and General Counsel Nancy Heinen now have their sights set on a pony.

“I’m bored,” whined Tamaddon. “There’s nothing to do around here.”

Casting his eyes down and kicking lightly at one shoe with the other he added “But… but… if I had a pony, I… I could ride it and… and… that… that… would make me… not so bored.”

“I knew this would happen,” Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said. “Puppies are cute but they grow up to become dogs and then they’re not as much fun when you have to feed them and take them for walks and clean up their messes and give them a bath and pay for their heartworm medicine…”

Schiller let out a heavy sigh and went back to picking up toys that had been strewn about the executive conference room.

Without looking up he continued “And who gets to do all those things? The Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing gets to do all those things, that’s who!

“And who’s going to take care of a pony, I wonder. Hmm? Because I am not taking care of a pony!”

“I’d take care of it!” cried Anderson. “I would!”

Anderson then began vigorously petting the dog, Mr. Barksly, as if in evidence of his ability to care for an animal. Visibly uncomfortable with the ham-fisted attention, Mr. Barksly retired to the corner of the room, taking refuge under a chair.

But the three executives may have already set the bar too high for the pony experience.

My pony is going to be magical and can fly and will also be a unicorn!” beamed Heinen.

“I’m going to get on him and just ride and ride and ride,” said Tamaddon.

Tears welling up in his eyes, he added “I’m going to keep on riding until I’m far away from here!”

Sobbing openly, Tamaddon ran from the room.

“I’m gonna feed him carrots!” said Anderson cheerfully, not seeming to notice Tamaddon’s outburst.

No Responses to “Bored Apple Executives Now Want A Pony.”

  1. The glue factory says:

    Well at least the ponies will be useful after the ‘newness’ wears off.

  2. Shareholder says:

    Firs–!

    Aww, crap.

  3. Bart says:

    Can a pony be eaten? I am hungry.

  4. a random dude says:

    Jeez Bart, that’s gross…dog is better!

  5. a random dude says:

    You know, I allways knew those Apple Execs were little kids at heart. But according to that story I think they would have been beat up in elementary school.

    …I could take care of the pony

    …you know…if Anderson couldn’t do a good job.

    *hangs head again and wipes a single tear*

    …no first post and no pony

  6. Anonymous says:

    verily funny

  7. poster boy says:

    I want to know who told the Enity about the whole ‘first post’ thing. I think he has a slight advantage over the rest of us.

  8. Yawn. MacCentral already had a story about how the new GarageBand update gives all Mac users a bright, shiny new pony.

    Mine is purple, and he’s already learned to code in HTML. Of course, the pony crap everywhere in my office is a bit of a drawback. On the bright side, he appears to like eating AOL discs.

    Isn’t it sad that corporate drones like Peter Cohen (TM) are so wildly creative, especially when they’re trying to do straight news reporting?

    Don’t hate me for seeding their water cooler with a few tabs of acid.

  9. Adam Jackson says:

    !

    “And who’s going to take care of a pony, I wonder. Hmm? Because I am not taking care of a pony!”

    HAHA!!!

  10. soosy says:

    That one almost had me crying. Thanks for the laugh!

  11. Garnack says:

    What’s so tuff about taking care of a pony. My Mom bought me a pony when I was little. She got it at the pet store for $5.49 with cage. His name was ‘Brown Stallion’. He was brown and would run on his little tread mill for hours. We had to flush him down the toilet after I tried to ride him though.

    I loved my pony. Waaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

  12. Louzer says:

    OK, I’ve got two problems here.

    First, what the hell is Fred Anderson doing getting involved with this pony, and why are the others letting him. Soon he’s going to be retired, and he’s either going to (a) hog the pony during the day, and as such tire him/her out before the others can play with the pony, or (b) disappear on his boat for long stretches of time, foisting his responsibilities of care and feeding onto the others.

    Second, what’s the deal with the toys in the office? Are these dog toys for Mr. Barksly, or just general toys for the executives (I imagine Avie likes to play with Lincoln Logs and Erector Sets).

    See, now I’m stuck with this crap on my mind! How am i supposed to work?

  13. Fabrizio says:

    erm…

    Someone was so busy playing with their toys that didn’t realise Fred Anderson retired…

  14. John Moltz says:

    Not until June 1st.

    Buying this pony may be his last act as CFO. Not many CFOs can say that.

  15. cfenger says:

    Oh, just cut it out, will ya. It’s all about the pony genitalia. Ask Heinen. She knows. It starts with “My Little Pony,” and the next thing you know it’s Catherine the Great envy. Really. No one cares that Mother Russia actually died of a stroke while taking a dump “on the throne.” It’s about humongous…uh…really large…uh…c’mon, you know what I’m trying to say here. Yup, and Anderson too. Being Apple’s CFO for all those years creates pent up…uh…needs. Know what I’m sayin’. Your just so…indirect, Moltz.

  16. MacStansbury says:

    Hey, just to let you know, a pony is nothing like a horse. You see, a pony has this very mean personality. Think “badger that eats hay.”

    That said, a small horse is a better choice. Though they may be larger, and need a bigger pasture, you will do better in the long run. I know that the stable we kept one of my ex-s horses in was pretty big, but that was cuz there were a lot of other horses they used there. The stable on my grandparent’s house was pretty small though, as they only had the one horse.

    And again, pony is like a badger that eats hay.

    Plus, there’s other things you have to remember when dealing with equine restrictions in city buildings. Some places of business won’t allow you to keep farm animals in them, such as cows, horses, bears, pigs, without a zoning permit. It’s because animals like horses and pigs have diseases that children can get. And while not a lot of children work at Apple (insert your own joke here), adults can be carriers of disease.

    Another consideration of a pony in the workplace is the warning registration. At every entrance and any place that the pony will go there must be a huge placard announcing that the residents take no responsibility for any accidents that occur as a result of pony rides. Generally, the sign must be at least 12″ by 24″ in white with red letters. Now, you think that Steve is going to let all them signs get plastered everywhere? Nope. Not gonna happen.

    Lastly, getting the executives everything they want is just going to spoil them. I mean really, if the board approved every little thing that those guys wanted, we’d be up to our ear-holes in those “pokey man” cards and PlayCubeBox games. That money is going to your education! Look, $400 million can only be stretched so far, and you need to get into a good school, like Washington or Ohio State. Or maybe something closer like, UC Berkley.

    Oh, come on, you don’t even give it a chance! It’s a good school. It is. It is! IT IS!!!

    I am not trying to smother you, I’m just thinking about your future. And UC Berkley isn’t that far away that I’ll never see you, but still you’ll be able to grow and have your own life. I mean, is it so wrong that I don’t want to go half way across the globe? I mean, how do you think that you could even get onto into Duke. I hear it’s very difficult. Academically. Fine. I’ll just drop it.

    But like I was saying, that hay-eating badger just isn’t going to work out. It may seem like a good idea now, but once it looses a few races, it’ll find the concrete horseshoes with a quickness.

    Oh, and did I mention IT’S LIKE A BADGER THAT EATS HAY????

  17. Bellidancer says:

    MaacStansbury is soooo right. (at least for the first half of his rant, after that I lost track of his train of thought.)

    Ponies are mean. A pony will break your heart. A pony looks so cute, until you really look one in the eyes. Mean Spirited… Wild Fury… Crazy “kick you in the nuts and stomp on your head until your skull looks like a stuffed doll’s head that has been through a shredder” Anger.

    But can you blame them. Ponies are smarter than horses. But does that help them in any way? No! Have you seen the ponies at a county fair walking endlessly is a circle, riden by squalling, smelly, noisy little monsters. No torture tales out of Iraq can equal the humiliation, physical discomfort, and psychological tortures most ponies face every day of their lifes. And why are there ponies to begin with? They were bred to pull ore carts deep underground in coal mines in Wales!! When the mine owners found machines were cheaper, they found the only use for ponies that could be worse than pulling mining carts…giving rides to little kids.

    But wait…maybe a pony would be a good thing to have at Apple. A pony would toughen up those senior execs. Either toughen them up or have them for lunch! The senior execs are too nice, that’s why those bullies in Redmond keep taking Apple’s lunch.

    That’s it!!! Get those Apple Execs a pony. After a few days of pony bites, ponies hoofs in the groin, pony “surprises” in the execs shoes, those execs are going to be fighting mad and finally ready to compete!!

    (The pony “surprises” ? Think Different Think Baby Meadow Muffins)

    (Oh… and the reason the Apple execs leave their shoes lying around? Steve mades them take their shoes off when they use the bounce house.)

  18. MacStansbury says:

    Toughen them up?

    Did I mention “badgers that eat hay?”

  19. Del says:

    First most cities do not consider a pony that is under 32″ at the withers livestock. You are free to have them in the city, in your yard, etc. Course a pony that small isn’t really rideable especially by adults.

    You’d be better off with a large pony like a Welsh Pony. Usually around 11-13 hands and they generally have a better attitude and sweeter temperment then their smaller bretheren. They are usually big enough for most adults to ride.

    Or they could get a Seeing Eye Pony. http://www.guidehorse.com/

    Then they could even take them on the airplane with them, and to restauarants, and school!

  20. MICHAEL EISNER says:

    typo ?

    All your first posts are belong to the Entity.

  21. Bellidancer says:

    Hey Eisner,

    What do the Disney Execs get?

    Its got to be better than a pony.

  22. Brother Mugga says:

    My (favourite) Little Pony was ‘Tossles.’

    I can’t think why.

    Brother Mugga

  23. KINGY says:

    JOHNNY AHHH!!!

  24. clancy says:

    what happened to Mr Barksley??????