Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I have a bronze keyboard PowerBook that I’ve since upgraded with a processor card. I’ve also added a third-party 802.11 card for wireless Internet access. My question is, where can I find hot Llamish action?
A: Did you say…
Q: Llamish porn. You know. Amish chicks with llamas.
A: No. No, I don’t know. I don’t “do” the whole animal thing, you know? I don’t “get” people who do. I’m not “down with” that. So, can’t really help you there, but I do know a good site for Lamish porn, with one “L”.
Q: And… I’m guessing that would be Amish chicks with Tibetan lamas?
A: You ain’t wrong, brother. Mmm-hmm.
Q: I see. Well, that’s not really what I was after, but I’ll take what I can get to satisfy my Amish chick jones.
A: Any porn in a storm, huh? Ha-ha!
A: Ha! Ha-ha! Aaaaahhhhh… Yes. Well.
Q: I’ve been watching a lot of the basketball finals and I have a question about that Black Eyed Peas song they keep playing. Is there a verse in there about Steve Jobs?
A: In Let’s Get It Started? Uh… I don’t think so…
Q: Yeah. Don’t they say “Bob your head like me, Apple’s Stev-ie, would you like see an iPod that’s also a TV?”
A: No. No. That goes “Bob your head like me, Apl D. Up inside the club or in your Bently.”
Q: Oh. So… no secret message about an upcoming iPod that’s also a TV?
A: ‘Fraid not.
Q: That’d be pretty cool, though, wouldn’t it?
Q: Little color screen. Tiny little nobs or something… aerial… er…
Q: OK, maybe not.
A: You know, you could just buy one of those little portable TVs.
Q: Um… that’s OK. I don’t… actually have any money anyway.
Q: I see that the latest edition of Fix A Troubled Mac is out. I’m considering purchasing it, but I’m concerned that some Macs might be too troubled for fixing.
A: Hmm. Please provide a ridiculous example.
Q: OK. Well, let’s say a Power Mac that experimented with drugs and then took to beating up smaller Macs and taking their lunch money to pay for the habit.
A: Ah, yes.
Q: Or, an iBook that has severe self-esteem issues, runs off to New York in an act of rebellion, and spends the rest of its short life as an “exotic” dancer in smokey, smelly clubs where its groped by drunk bond traders that stuff dollar bills into its optical drive.
A: Hmm. That is indeed a troubled Mac.
Q: Yes. You see where I’m going with this.
A: I do. But I think Fix A Troubled Mac is more designed to take care of technical problems, not emotional, personal growth or life problems. Perhaps you should consult a professional computer therapist, or your clergyman.
Q: Well… I was also just thinking of adding more RAM.
A: Oh, yeah. I’d try that first. That usually helps with most anything.