14 Jun 04Inside Apple: G5 PowerBooks Ready, But Classified As Thermal Weapon.


It’s late in coming, but this exciting transcript of a conversation Inside Apple reveals that G5 PowerBooks are ready to ship but have been held up after being categorized as a thermal weapon by the Department of Homeland Security.

A source in Apple’s PowerBook engineering department provides evidence that, in a meeting held weeks ago at Apple’s headquarters, DHS District Administrator Glenn Cadena denied then Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Jon Rubinstein’s appeal to certify the G5 PowerBook safe for public sale.

Without further ado… let’s go Inside Apple.


DHS DISTRICT ADMINISTRATOR GLENN CADENA: See, whatcha got here… [Pokes PowerBook G5 with a pencil] is a thermal weapon.

RUBINSTEIN: A what? That’s ridiculous. Thermal weapon. I mean, what’s a thermal weapon? You guys just made that up.

CADENA: No… no, we didn’t! A… thermal weapon is… a… uh… well, it’s… um… it’s a weapon such that… er…[Turning to Assistant District Administrator Larry Haws] Help me out here, Larry.

DHS ASSISTANT DISTRICT ADMINISTRATOR LARRY HAWS: [Adjusting his chewing tabacco with his tongue] It’s really hot.

CADENA: Yeah. It’s really hot.

RUBINSTEIN: Hot? Oh, come on! The PowerBook G5 is not that hot! Here, look. I’ll show you.

[Steeling himself, Rubinstein attempts to pick up a PowerBook G5 with his bare hands. He is only able to hold it a few seconds before he drops it back onto the table.]

RUBINSTEIN: Owie-owie-owie-owie-owie!

HAWS: Mmm. Yep. Just as I suspected. Thermal weapon.

CADENA: Really, Mr. Rubinstein. Imagine what would happen if the Libyans got ahold of…

HAWS: [Whispers] Not the Libyans.

CADENA: …if the North Koreans… North Koreans are still bad, right?

HAWS: Eeyup. North Koreans still bad.

CADENA: ..if the North Koreans got a hold of one of these. No one would be safe from the threat of… um… hotness.

RUBINSTEIN: Well, what about hot plates?! I mean… people still sell hot plates, don’t they?!

CADENA: [Getting out his note pad and jotting something down] Hot plates, you say? Hmm. Hot… plates. I think we’ll be paying them a visit next.

RUBINSTEIN: Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything.

CADENA: Now. Next on our agenda… we understand there’s been a rash of funkiness linked to these iPods.

RUBINSTEIN: Oh, for the love of…

36 Responses to “Inside Apple: G5 PowerBooks Ready, But Classified As Thermal Weapon.”

  1. Zack Martin says:

    First Post!

    Maybe!

  2. Second post! Probably!

  3. dcmacnut says:

    If the day is nearly over, and someone gets first post, is anyone really around to see it?

  4. Anonymous says:

    the trouble with g5 powerbooks, is they might get so hot that they melt all the earth under them and bore through, straight to china. of course, if we could figure out a way to reverse this process, we’d be able to get our orders from taiwan much faster… come on apple r&d!

  5. me says:

    where are my pants?

  6. Anonymous says:

    last post!

  7. laster says:

    7th post! New record for me.

  8. Huck says:

    Haha! I see! The iPod be droppin’ the funk bomb!

    What would happen if the… Canadians got hold of a funk bomb? Why the world would live in fear of… er, funkness.

  9. shorts says:

    If there is a forrest and in the middle of it, there is a tree falling on dmacnut, is there anyone alive in the forest?

  10. Plato says:

    But more importantly, will he make any noise as the tree hits him?

  11. I'm with stupid says:

    What if you post something really stupid, is the post the only thing stupid, or are you stupid too? And could you please stand under a falling tree while you consider your answer to the question.

  12. Chris says:

    What’s all this, then?

  13. Tony Blair says:

    i’d like to know why a resolution hasn’t been passed about these thermal weapons. you know i bet that they can be launched within 45 minutes at any country in the world. it’s true, i bet it is. i think we should declare war on apple.

    *whispers*

    ~what?, what do you mean can’t, i know it’s not a country but…~

    *whispers end*

    erchem, i think i’ll go tell someone about that time i had to sleep on a bench because it’s really a wonderful story.

  14. Jawyn says:

    Mr. President, the Thermal Weapons have been released…. may god have mercy on all our cold beverages…

  15. me says:

    i would still like to know what happened to my pants.

  16. Fabrizio says:

    You left them under a Powerbook G5 and they vaporized.

  17. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    I AM FUNKY, AND NO GUMMINT WEASEL CAN STOP ME!

    I shall bedazzle them with my funkadelicness!

    Wait… funkadeliciousness… funkadewagnel… funkadelicatessan…

    Ah, you know what I mean.

    Hey, funk you.

  18. Kevin says:

    Am I the ONLY one who giggled when I read:

    “We’re late in coming…”

  19. PRAN says:

    THE CRAP BEIGE G3 WAS LONG AGO CLASSIFIED AS AN OFFENSIVE WEAPON.

  20. NARP says:

    WELL, THE BEIGE G3 WAS PRETTY OFFENSIVE IN A DELLISH SORT OF WAY.

  21. The Funkmeister says:

    Where the funk is iTMS Canada? Or better yet, where the funk is iTMS Bangladesh? SJ, my man, you are getting lazy! Don’t make open a can of funkness all over you.

  22. Adam Jackson says:

    sorry guys that was not too funny.

  23. Jason Young says:

    rash of funkiness

    You really should see a dermatologist about that.

  24. Jason Young says:

    Or getcha some ointment to put on it

  25. ipodguy says:

    What about hot lava?

  26. J Lo says:

    I did not have sex with John Moltz last night.

  27. pedro says:

    does all the sex have something to do with the lateness of the posting?

  28. fuddes says:

    I had sex with John Moltz last night.

  29. John Moltz says:

    Didn’t we, J Lo? Didn’t we?

    No, really, I was really drunk. Didn’t we?

  30. MR.Late says:

    YES REALLY REALLY REALLY LATE POST!!! SUCCESS!

  31. Huck says:

    Ooh, my post is laster than yours.

  32. link- says:

    link

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