It’s late in coming, but this exciting transcript of a conversation Inside Apple reveals that G5 PowerBooks are ready to ship but have been held up after being categorized as a thermal weapon by the Department of Homeland Security.
A source in Apple’s PowerBook engineering department provides evidence that, in a meeting held weeks ago at Apple’s headquarters, DHS District Administrator Glenn Cadena denied then Senior Vice President of Hardware Engineering Jon Rubinstein’s appeal to certify the G5 PowerBook safe for public sale.
Without further ado… let’s go Inside Apple.
DHS DISTRICT ADMINISTRATOR GLENN CADENA: See, whatcha got here… [Pokes PowerBook G5 with a pencil] is a thermal weapon.
RUBINSTEIN: A what? That’s ridiculous. Thermal weapon. I mean, what’s a thermal weapon? You guys just made that up.
CADENA: No… no, we didn’t! A… thermal weapon is… a… uh… well, it’s… um… it’s a weapon such that… er…[Turning to Assistant District Administrator Larry Haws] Help me out here, Larry.
DHS ASSISTANT DISTRICT ADMINISTRATOR LARRY HAWS: [Adjusting his chewing tabacco with his tongue] It’s really hot.
CADENA: Yeah. It’s really hot.
RUBINSTEIN: Hot? Oh, come on! The PowerBook G5 is not that hot! Here, look. I’ll show you.
[Steeling himself, Rubinstein attempts to pick up a PowerBook G5 with his bare hands. He is only able to hold it a few seconds before he drops it back onto the table.]
HAWS: Mmm. Yep. Just as I suspected. Thermal weapon.
CADENA: Really, Mr. Rubinstein. Imagine what would happen if the Libyans got ahold of…
HAWS: [Whispers] Not the Libyans.
CADENA: …if the North Koreans… North Koreans are still bad, right?
HAWS: Eeyup. North Koreans still bad.
CADENA: ..if the North Koreans got a hold of one of these. No one would be safe from the threat of… um… hotness.
RUBINSTEIN: Well, what about hot plates?! I mean… people still sell hot plates, don’t they?!
CADENA: [Getting out his note pad and jotting something down] Hot plates, you say? Hmm. Hot… plates. I think we’ll be paying them a visit next.
RUBINSTEIN: Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything.
CADENA: Now. Next on our agenda… we understand there’s been a rash of funkiness linked to these iPods.
RUBINSTEIN: Oh, for the love of…