10 Jun 04Revolutionary Apple Device Causes Actual Central American Revolution.


Apple’s Airport Express has been called “revolutionary” for its ability to provide streaming iTunes music to any room in your house. But to the central American nation of Costaragua, the device has ignited long-simmering tensions, inciting not a technological revolution, but a political one.

As quantities of the device are already constrained due to its overwhelming popularity, only ten have been designated for delivery to Apple’s embattled Apple Store in downtown El Candara, the capital of Costaragua.

Fernando Tinajuero, leader of the small nation’s People’s Popular Front, a communist insurgency and Macintosh Users Group founded on the philosophies of Che Guevara and Steve Wozniak, was unequivocal in his opinion on who should get the nation’s Airport Express modules.

“Airport Express should be given to the farmers!,” Tinajuero cried through a bullhorn to a throng of PPF partisans, sitting in folding chairs at a local public libary with iBooks and PowerBooks on their laps.

“Without the sweat of the farmer, the stinking pigs in the cities would have no food to shove into their fat faces! And without our MUG, they wouldn’t know how to create AppleScripts or migrate HyperCard stacks to SuperCard!

“Viva Apple! Viva la revolution!

“Now, I think Rodrigo is going to show us how to install MySQL on OS X 10.3 and, uh, I believe Maria has brought a cake with the Apple logo on it… and… there’s some Hi-C… so… enjoy!”

According to Tinajuero, the PPF has been waiting for an issue to enflame the farmers and workers of Costaragua, and he believes the distribution of the Airport Express will be their spark.

“The original iPod was heavily constrained in Costaragua, but a lot of people had concerns about how you’d replace the battery, so that wasn’t quite enough to base a popular uprising on, you know? But this time…”

Ernesto Guayama de Rivera, a powerful land owner, Defense Minister, and brother to Costaragua’s president, ordered the army to step in to administer “an orderly” distribution of the Airport Express.

“We are in charge,” de Rivera said, displaying a Keynote slide on screen that said “We are in charge.”

“Our nation’s crucial supply of Apple products shall not be held hostage at the hands of murderous peasants!” he continued, showing the next slide that said “Our nation’s crucial supply of Apple products shall not be held hostage at the hands of murderous peasants!”

“Next slide, please!”

But local newspapers expressed concern that only members of the bourgeoisie would be allowed within the military cordon surrounding the El Candara Apple Store. Already there are rumors that six of the ten devices have disappeared en route to the store, but neither the PPF or the nation’s wealthy elite have admitted to having received any of the devices, legally or otherwise.

Former President Jimmy Carter and former Apple evangelist Guy Kawasaki have offered their services in mediating the Costaragua situation.

35 Responses to “Revolutionary Apple Device Causes Actual Central American Revolution.”

  1. miles says:

    Costaragua?

  2. David Duncan says:

    2nd post!

  3. Anonymous says:

    It’s right next to Belizexico

  4. Earthsaver says:

    I think you mean Belixico.

  5. miles says:

    No, now you’re thinking of Costagua.

  6. Patrick says:

    Is a “powerful land owner” someone who is powerful and owns land, or is it someone who owns powerful land?

  7. You’re on a roll, keep up the good work!

    Oops, my fault, it’s a cruller.

    ~ winky

  8. Patrick says:

    And another thing . . .

    Hi-C? I don’t think so. Costaragua is the seventh largest Central American exporter of fine coffees. Clearly comrade Tinajuero meant “espresso”, not “Hi-C”.

  9. EMan says:

    When I was last in Panamala, I met leaders of the Popular People’s Front, the Front for Popular People, and the popular Sexbots Frontal Nudity. Those guys really knew how to party.

  10. Patrick says:

    The peasants are revolting!

  11. Edward Liu says:

    Patrick:

    re: the peasants are revolting — I’ll say they are!

    re: powerful land owner — Both.

    — Ed

  12. Shay Gwevara says:

    Viva la REVOLUCIÓN. It’s REVOLUCIÓN, people. How are you gonna overthrow a banana republic if you can’t speak the lengua?

    Gringos. Oy!

    (But you are right about one thing: Hi-C? Hell no. They’re serving Jarritos!)

  13. Logitech MX 510 says:

    Hahahaha, lord this story is funny!

    But I do object to the stereotype that Macs are only used by communists, Hispanics, and homosexuals, that is simply not true!

  14. Irene Contra says:

    Well, I’M certainly not homosexual. Just corrupt.

    (I need the reliability of the Mac when I’m tallying up the kickbacks to the shadowy government figures and mercenaries.)

  15. b-man says:

    I didn’t know Keynote was voice-activated.

  16. Patrick says:

    Maybe when Defense Minister de Rivera said “Next slide, please”, the next slide read “Next Slide Please”.

  17. Tony Blair says:

    if i passed a piece of legislation making everybody in britain use macs, would you guys think i was cool?

  18. Developers. Developers. Developers.

  19. Huck says:

    *Sniff*

    Are you certain that was a piece of legislation you passed?

  20. PRAN says:

    …”you said it they sink on ice”

  21. El Presidente says:

    Tony? Is that you? How’s the weather there in London? Also, what happened to the shipment of tanks you were supposed to send us? Um, we kinda need them, like today….

    Next slide please! (“Next slide please!”)

    (grumbles) It was always so much easier dealing with that Thatcher woman. She wasn’t nearly as whiny….

  22. Tony Blair says:

    Sorry. Little local difficulty. I’m a bit busy getting my ass whupped in the UK local elections. Seems some of our voters aren’t too keen on this whole tank thing.

    Tell me again… how did you Yanks fix it so you can not win a majority and still get elected?

  23. Bill Eccles says:

    John, Chet,

    Please check your facts. I seem to recall a brochure which stated that Tinajuero is the leader of the Popular People’s Front. He split off from the People’s Popular Front.

    (“Splitter!”)

    Bill

  24. Claudius Incorruptus says:

    No, that wasn`t Tinajuero. You mean Brian.

  25. dude says:

    Egads! The wifi radio waves are slowly eating away at my brain! *runs around naked w/ hair falling out in large clumps crowing like a 6ft. tall foghorn leghorn* “Cock-a-doodle-dookie!” *cough sputter sneeze* *Sneers at them & breaks wind in their direction*

  26. Anonymous says:

    AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Chupacabras are coming!

  27. Del says:

    Hide your Goats!

  28. Fringe says:

    This would be funnier if my best friend weren’t right now trapped in La Paz, Bolivia, due to the social unrest and revolution currently going on there.

    Bah.

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