02 Jul 04Apple Screws With Rumor Sites' Livelihood.


We interrupt our regularly scheduled Help Desk to bring you an irate tirade against Apple!

We know you all love the Help Desk, but this involves an issue vital to the continued survival of this and all rumor sites!

Plus, we hate the Help Desk. It’s a pain in the ass. We all have to crowd into the booth and then we have to do actual research into Mac problems…

Well, not most of the time.

Actually, I can’t remember the last time we solved a Mac problem.

It involved cheese, though, whatever it was.

Anyway, getting back to the Apple and their horrible misdeeds. In an egregious event reminiscent of the week long countdown of insults leading up to Macworld San Francisco 2002

Heh. Hey, remember how that sparked the whole “sexbots” thing? Ha-ha! Ahhh…

Good times. Good times. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Thursday and I had just finished my fifth Mickey’s Big Mouth…

Wait, that was yesterday.

Hmm. You know, I don’t remember 2002 at all. Still, I deny any accusations about what I might have done that year, completely. I don’t know what you’ve heard but I was nowhere near Cleveland in June when all those nuns were flashed.

Um… where was I?

Oh!

In a move that is clearly aimed at driving rumor sites out of business, much as Dashboard was clearly aimed at driving Konfabulator out of business…

(Is Konfabulator the company or just the product? I’ve never been able to figure that out.)

…Apple has gone so far as to announce that new iMacs are coming in September.

What is that?! What the fricking hell is that?! They just announce when a product is going to ship?!

That’s bullshit!

Put yourself in the shoes of your favorite rumor site (and they’d better be ours, dammit!). What the hell are we going to report on now?! Oh, sure, we can speculate on specs, pass on unsubstantiated emails about colors, shapes and features (and we will… oh, yes…), but most of your rumor reporting these days consists of speculation about when something will be released. It goes a little like this:

  • MONDAY: New iPods Tuesday!
  • TUESDAY: No, no! Wednesday!
  • THURSDAY: OK, they haven’t announced them yet, but we’re dead certain they’re going to be announced next Monday!
  • TWO WEEKS LATER: Uh… OK, look, mistakes were made…

Round up a couple of advertisers and you’ve got yourself a site, baby!

Um.

Well, that doesn’t paint us in a very flattering light. Actually, it’s a lot harder than that. Particularly if you’re hiring immigrants to do your reporting…

Or dogs. Or… neanderthals. You wouldn’t believe the paperwork.

But, to tell the truth, we didn’t really give a rip about this whole Konfabulator to-do when it was just Arlo Rose’s bacon that was getting fried up nice and crispy.

Sizzling hotly in a pool of its own grease… its delicious fragrance wafting throughout the house…

Damn, I could really go for some bacon.

But now it’s our bacon they’re frying! How am we going to attract advertisers like the fine folks at Rogue Amoeba, or the role models for kids of all ages at Loopware, if we can’t write for weeks on end about when new iMacs are coming?!

Or even those weirdos at the Missing Bite?

Don’t get me started on them. I’m still trying to get the smell of Velveeta and bourbon out of the carpet. That is the last time we are throwing an open house for advertisers!

Well, this is getting kind of long, so, to sum up, um, I call on all Apple rumor site readers to… uh… boycott… Apple.

Wait…

That doesn’t make any sense.

No Responses to “Apple Screws With Rumor Sites' Livelihood.”

  1. Bellidancer says:

    Another excellent Q&A. I teach computer classes to teachers and I have found your Friday Help Desk to be invaluable. Wait a minute… is that like valid vs invalid?

    What ever.

    Thanks for the informative article.

    Oh … and FIRST!!!

  2. John Moltz says:

    Hey, you prepared that post in advance! It’s not a Q&A this week!

  3. Bellidancer says:

    Help Desk is one of my favorite features…wait it is the only feature you regularly do so I guess it is my favorite. So I refuse to acknowledge the absent of Help Desk. Actually, in the spirit of CARS I expect someone to post an unauthorized edition of the Help Desk. While it may not be as funny…while it may not be official… it will probably involve sexbots and cheese!

    Thank you again for this weeks’ insightful and hilarious Help Desk.

  4. Anonymous says:

    “(and they’d better ours, dammit!)”

    huh?

  5. bill gates says:

    fifth

  6. Ted Wood says:

    I just discovered this site today, thanks to MUGradio (www.mugradio.com), and so far, it is a nice break from the regulars. Thanks for the laughs!

  7. Bellidancer says:

    Hey, and what’s the deal getting upset because Apple announces a new iMac will be announced in September. After all, presence or absence of real concrete information never has hindered an Apple rumors site. The rumor sites can speculate endlessly over whether Apple is going to bring back color! In fact I predict the New iMac will come in 6 colors!!, Burnt Sienna, Violet, Sky Blue, Snow Pea, Jet, and the color formally know as Beige.

    Wait… I stopped and really thought about your article and I get it!!!

    Your not concerned about Apple giving too much info for rumor site to exist,,, You’re concerned that Apple is getting into the rumor market!!!!!

    Announcing that they will announce in September… That is pure rumor site. No real information…no real date…this is nothing more than a “rumor” at this point.

    I thought that would drive people to the rumor sites,,, but nooo.,,why go to other rumor sites when Apple is putting out rumors!!

    It all is becoming clear….this is just like the Sherlock/Watson or Dashboard/Konfabulator situations. Apple has let third party companies (by the way – why not second party, is there a second party) build the market. innovate and develop new paradigms, and then come in and provide an offical Apple alternative. Bamm no third party( again who would be the second party?) rumor sites.

    WOW!!! I understand your concern John.

  8. UhhhDude says:

    Eighth post!

    Must be a holiday weekend or something.

    No it can’t be. The CARS staff isn’t taking the rest of the month off to let the readers start Mega-Post III, The Really Craptastic Sequel Where Everyone Just Shows Up To Get Paid.

    Mmmmm…bourbon and Velveeta.

  9. Huck says:

    I don’t see what the big deal is, now you can just report on rumors that a new iMac won’t ship in September…

    Oh, and ninth.

  10. Tulse says:

    If Apple gets into the rumours business, it better have a cast of wacky characters that get involved in laff-a-minute hijinx. That is the big innovation that third party rumour developers have produced (oh that Nick de Plume — he makes me split my sides!), and I would hate to see that feature lost in an official rumours application.

    I think that if Apple were fair, rather than developing their own rumours site in house, they would simply buy up a third-party rumours site — I’m sure that the Entity would come cheap (just toss it some tritium every now and again), as would Howard (ditto but hotdogs), and Masako of course would work for Apple for free, just to catch occasional glimpes of Steve. Hell, without that slacker Moltz, the site might actually become something. Maybe Avie could take over as senior developer…

  11. Anonymous says:

    The second party is you, the consumer, who is purchasing Apple’s products. Just like:

    1st person I 1st Party Apple

    2nd person you 2nd Party Customer

    3rd person they 3rd Party Developers

    Or, if you like the consumer centric approach, which I decided I do while I was typeing this, You could make the Customer the first party and Apple the second party. like this.

    1st person I 1st Party Customer

    2nd person you 2nd Party Apple

    3rd person they 3rd Party Developers

    Or you could add some sexbots to the mix and make it a helluva party. While your there, get really drunk so I sound like I know what I’m talking about.

  12. Bellidancer says:

    Ok I guess that make sense. No wait, it doesn’t. Why party.. well parties are fun I know, I like to party as much as the next geek, but why call Apple a party or me a party… well I am pretty fun – people say a Bellidancer makes the party, but I digress – where was I? Oh yeah, thanks for the explaination “Posted by at July 2, 2004 10:35 PM”.

  13. horizdancer says:

    Bellidancer, you’re off to a great start! But I can’t help but imagining the meeting at Infinite One when the decision was made to disclose the “rumor.”

    What I can’t help is thinking someone must have blurted out that idea that the announcement would preempt the konfabulator/dashboard controversy.

    The vitriolic technology press was about to turn the whole perceived hypocrisy of Apple’s squelching another developer at the WWDC while teasing MSFT for copying OS X (and Mac OS) into a major media controversy. Or so I would believe.

    Now the mainstream news picks the obvious big story instead of the other, and the stock goes down for the lack of iMac inventory. And Tiger still gets to growl that everything is “Greeeeeat!” And – as you delightfully point out – the rumors business feels some encroachment from the mother ship!

    Are you with me?

  14. Huck says:

    Well, as AtAT notes, Apple’s stock has managed to go up in response to the no-iMac-supply-for-two-months thingy. I guess wallstreet had to really do some soul-searching before they could discover their true selves. I call first dibs on movie rights!

  15. greenacres says:

    Hey! Didn’t anyone notice that MacOsRumors is gone off the face of the internet? You can’t even get at them via their IP address anymore (they had problems with the DNS name…). And I know that one of their members was seriously hurt in a car accident. Coincidence? I think not. Apple has to be hiring hit men to eliminate the rumor sites now. Watch out John!

  16. lickety split says:

    I peed in the snow the other day and I saw a large basalt column. It spoke to me about how left of my core was nine to red. Go on about number stations. Five Five Five. Seven Two Nine.

    Five Five Five. Seven Two Nine.

    Five Five Five. Seven Two Nine.

    Five Five Five. Seven Two Nine.

    Four Three Eight. Six Two Nine.

  17. patrick says:

    “Maybe Avie could take over as senior developer…”.

    First off, the correct way to simulate the elipsis is “. . .” not “…”.

    Second off, when you say “Avie”, you mean “Arlo”. I hear he’s looking for work.

  18. sam says:

    Word is on the grapevine that the new iMacs will be the first to use the new dual-core, G6 processor, include a 3D display, and be bundled with Apple’s new handheld device. Oh, and cost less than $1000. And I’m sure the rumor sites will report on speculation regarding the iMacs getting delayed until October, or being ready early by the end of August.

  19. j. says:

    Someone has been listening to Tom Waits a lot lately. Nighthawks at the Dinner?