Apple Announces Products For The Next 5 Years.

Building on its announcement yesterday that September’s iMacs will indeed be G5-based, Apple today announced its product lineup for the next five years, essentially putting rumors sites out of commission for that period of time. Crazy Apple Rumors Site provides an exclusive look.


  • G5 PowerBooks.
  • Wireless Bluetooth iPod headphones.
  • The best damn tater tots you ever ate, in a silver and chrome finish.


  • G5 iBooks.
  • QuickTime 8, featuring streaming gravy, the first implementation of Apple’s “sauce over IP” protocol.
  • A pamphlet entitled “Phil Schiller and Canadians – Spotting the Difference.”


  • G6 Power Macs and an all 64-bit application lineup.
  • Unaware that they already exist, Apple will introduce wireless brassieres.
  • AppleWorks will be designated as zombie undead software and will roam the street at night in search of human brains.


  • Ultra light PowerBooks based on the G6.
  • iPods that make their own techno music, proving that anybody really could have made techno music all along. In a fit of shame, Moby will donate all the money he’s made to some charity involving puppies.


  • Liquid metal storage devices with multi-terabyte capacity.
  • A small round device that will be announced with much fanfare and will sell like hotcakes despite the fact that no one will be able to figure out what it does.


  • Neural interface will be standard on all Macs, but it’ll still use folders and icons causing Jef Raskin to take hostages.
  • Bacon that’s crispy and moist at the same time.

Reports from inside the company indicate that Apple Legal is currently working out why CEO Steve Jobs and CFO Peter Oppenheimer should not be fired for revealing details on upcoming products.