15 Jul 04Apple Announces Products For The Next 5 Years.


Building on its announcement yesterday that September’s iMacs will indeed be G5-based, Apple today announced its product lineup for the next five years, essentially putting rumors sites out of commission for that period of time. Crazy Apple Rumors Site provides an exclusive look.

2005

  • G5 PowerBooks.
  • Wireless Bluetooth iPod headphones.
  • The best damn tater tots you ever ate, in a silver and chrome finish.

2006

  • G5 iBooks.
  • QuickTime 8, featuring streaming gravy, the first implementation of Apple’s “sauce over IP” protocol.
  • A pamphlet entitled “Phil Schiller and Canadians – Spotting the Difference.”

2007

  • G6 Power Macs and an all 64-bit application lineup.
  • Unaware that they already exist, Apple will introduce wireless brassieres.
  • AppleWorks will be designated as zombie undead software and will roam the street at night in search of human brains.

2008

  • Ultra light PowerBooks based on the G6.
  • iPods that make their own techno music, proving that anybody really could have made techno music all along. In a fit of shame, Moby will donate all the money he’s made to some charity involving puppies.

2009

  • Liquid metal storage devices with multi-terabyte capacity.
  • A small round device that will be announced with much fanfare and will sell like hotcakes despite the fact that no one will be able to figure out what it does.

2010

  • Neural interface will be standard on all Macs, but it’ll still use folders and icons causing Jef Raskin to take hostages.
  • Bacon that’s crispy and moist at the same time.

Reports from inside the company indicate that Apple Legal is currently working out why CEO Steve Jobs and CFO Peter Oppenheimer should not be fired for revealing details on upcoming products.

No Responses to “Apple Announces Products For The Next 5 Years.”

  1. Del says:

    Sweet sweet iFlame

  2. ha says:

    First Post

  3. Del says:

    Come to the MegaPost. It is cleansed with iFlame and articulated arms.

  4. Slothboy says:

    “AppleWorks will be designated as zombie undead software and will roam the street at night in search of human brains.”

    *home simpson voice* It’s funny because it’s true. hee hee hee.

    Post Number = WHO GIVES A DAMN?

  5. iAlien says:

    From 2009 “A small round device that will be announced with much fanfare and will sell like hotcakes despite the fact that no one will be able to figure out what it does.”

    What, pogs?

    Mmmmmm, bacon… you just can’t have too many food/computer references. Nope. Keep ’em comin!

  6. Adam says:

    Wait a second. One day Apple is completely out of ideas, and two days later they have enough ideas for the next five years? Something is very inconsistent between CARS’ sources.

  7. CARS has sources!? I thought they just made this sh*t up when they were on the crapper. Well, I’ll be a full-blown gonzo!

  8. EMan says:

    I ain’t so good at this countin’ thang, especially when I have to use more than one hand (makes pointing to the fingers harder), but aren’t there *six* years listed here?

  9. Imhotep says:

    Tater tots are OK, but steak fries are where the money is.

    And if I have to wait six years for good bacon I’m going to take some hostages.

  10. Bellidancer says:

    Wait!!!!

    This list is seriously, shall we say, light. The items on the list are no brainers. Where are the exciting world-shaking products? The video iPod… the home all electronic media hubs… the sexbots (the sexbots would especially be world shaking if done right!)

    I think the following products should crack the lineup in the next 5 years:

    iClipboard Like a tablet PC but with built-in video and digital camera functions – facilitates grabbing and exchanging video and audio clips

    iPirate – an attachment to an iPod that wirelessly connects to nearby iPods and trades music files on the sly

    iVision Looks like a pair of cool sunglasses but with a built-in computer with wireless communications / iVision projects images directly in the eyes. (also eye movement controls interface.)

    The other problem with the list is that it shows a disturbing turn away from Apples core proficiencies. Pamphlets (well… informational pamhlets) and food products are not Apple’s strong suit.

    And what is with the AppleWorks item. That is true TODAY.

  11. DrNudi says:

    the iPirate would be an awesome idea… plus the promotion campaign could be Steve Jobs with an eyepatch and a hook hand repeatedly saying ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! in front of a pure white background…. it practically sells itself!

  12. Del says:

    The iPirate could be dangerous. You might end up walking close to someone who has this http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=4101716&selectedItemId=4101708

    on their iPod.

    *shudders*

  13. Bellidancer says:

    Good Point Del!!!

    I didn’t think the idea through. Image walking a junior high school and ending up with an iPod full of Brittney Spears or washed-up boy bands. *doudle shudder*

    The iPirate would need to have a software avatar that knows your musical tastes and would select only music you might like to hear.

    DrNudi, great marketing ideas! I for one would love to see that ad campaign.

  14. Hmmm. The iPirate development team could fly the Skull and Crossbones flag over their building at Cupertino. That would really be neat – since it has never been done before.

  15. Slan says:

    “A small round device that will be announced with much fanfare and will sell like hotcakes despite the fact that no one will be able to figure out what it does.”

    That’s a “PowerPod”.

  16. Del says:

    Ohh I’d put http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=1967187&selectedItemId=1967184

    I remember that song always used to get stuck in your head. You’re iPod could be the torture device of the future. Load it up with the “right” songs and infest those around you.

  17. lamentation says:

    OK. Everyone thinks here seens to think that a full blown sexbot would be released when fully tested. But it has to go through the whole product evolution lifecycle. First, the USB/Firewire sexbot, then the bluetooth sexbot, then color sexbots, then the handheld sexbot (sexbot mini), then sexbots as iPod attachments, then the iFeel/uFeel Sexbot, etc….

    Please keep your sexbot expectations realistic.

    L

  18. JAGULA says:

    One more reason why iPirate is a bad idea…

    http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=2990526&selectedItemId=2990524

    …as long as TT is on the iTMS charts, we’re all in danger!!!

  19. Brother Mugga says:

    I don’t think the promotion of iPirate has been investigated fully enough. Steve will need our creative input if he’s to pull this one off; after all, I don’t recall Cap’n Teach dressing in a turtleneck and blue-jeans, hmmm?

    How about encouraging him to use the additional phrase…

    “Ahh haaaa – thar be mahnsters.”

    …for starters?

    And with that I shall take me abed…

  20. Thomas says:

    I predict that the small round device is actually a wearable computer that will fit inside the navels of those who have an iny — not sure what those of you with an outy will be able to do with it.

  21. Thomas says:

    I’m intensly curious about those wireless brassieres. I just have to know now if they will be compatible with the Airport Express. If so, will they broadcast in stereo?

    Also, I’m looking forward to the day that the folks at OWC release the iFry Superdrive upgrade for my Titanium Powerbook. I could really go with a couple of strips of bacon shooting out of the slot every morning.

    Ahh, crispy, moist bacon. The wonderful aroma. And coffee too.

    Oh, that reminds me. There’s hot coffee and lots of tequila flowing over at the MegaPost — the world’s greatest Cinco de Mayo party!

    Just watch out for the boxes.

    The boxes and the nuts.

    Oh, and mind the iFlames too.

  22. Eric says:

    HAHAHA! Pogs. Awesome.

  23. Huck says:

    The mysterious round device is actually an iBoob®, that’s why it is so squishy. It’s meant to be used with the Wireless Brassiere®.

  24. Ozi says:

    silly us! of course thats what it is. :rollseyes:

    Oh and I remember pogs! those were the days…. *sighs-wistfully-like-a-fat-drunk-developer*

    Anyway, nice article. Im pleased that the rumors sites are now out of business… i can have my life back! YIPEEEE!!!!

    now to find something to do…. hmmmm…

  25. McPimpDaddy says:

    HA! My inside sources report that Apple is secretly working on an “artificial intelligence” that will be available in pill form in early 2007. Also, an “artificial creativity” is in development for writers of Mac rumor sites, but its effects are temporary.

  26. Joe Ragosta says:

    2007. You left something out:

    G6 PowerMacs introduced with enough fans to double as a hovercraft.

  27. Carlos says:

    Boy band antidote: Man Band!

    http://www.davincisnotebook.com

    Check out “Title of the Song”

    Live long and prosper,

    C

  28. Gag Halfrunt says:

    How about the iPants?

  29. Del says:

    Jagula that was just painful.

  30. ihop says:

    The small round device that sells like hotcakes will be, curiously enough,…hotcakes.

  31. Thomas says:

    Steve Jobs will announce the wireless brassieres at a special keynote to be held jointly with Victoria’s Secret. The first 1,000 people to buy will also get a special iSecret.

    Apple has also begun taking preorders for the iThong. There are even plans for two special editions of the iThong available for an extra $49.95 — the iBritney edition and the more rugged iEddieBauer edition — *Shudder*

    In response, Frederick’s has begun discussion with Dell, HP, and Microsoft in search of it’s own wireless partner.

  32. The Cheese Man says:

    I THE CHEESE MAN, DECLARE THIS POST IN THE NAME OF JULIA ROBERTS!!!

  33. Anonymous says:

    sexbots?

  34. Sord says:

    I don’t think the sexbots would ever be released…they would be too busy testing them to remember to ship them!

    Would be interresting to see what they do to keep compatabillity with guys and girls and still keep it looking sexy.

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