16 Jul 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: WHAAAAAA-HA-HAAAAA-HAAAAAA! I have a problem! My Mac… it isn’t working right!!!

A: OK. OK. Take a deep breath. What’s the problem?

Q: [sob] Ah-huh-huh… ah-huh-huh… ooookay… see… it’s using the wrong screen saver!

A: Uh…

Q: I don’t want Cosmos, I want Beach! The pictures of space scare me!

A: Uh… OK. Well, it’s really quite easy to change. Just go to your Preferences…

Q: What?! What?! Ooooooh, why does it have to be so haaaaard?!

A: Hard? No, no. It’s really easy. See, just go to the Desktop and Screen Saver…

Q: Oh, forget it! What’s the point?! What’s the point of anything?!

A: I’m starting to think your issues are not with your Mac.

Q: Oh, sure! That’s great! That’s just what my therapist said! I should have known you’d take his side!

A: Uh… well… I dunno… try rebooting.

Q: Re… booting?! Yes! That’s it! That’s what I want to do! I want to reboot!

A: You… do know it’s not going to do anything, right?

Q: Well, not at first, but if I reboot enough…

A: Um. Sure.

Q: Yes!

A: You know I don’t really know what’s going on anymore.

Q: I have a Performa and…

A: Performa?! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh, my GOD! I didn’t think there were any of those still out there! Do you have a QuickTake, too?!

Q: Nnn… no.

A: Ha-ha! Ooooh, man! You are such a beeotch!

Q: Wha… hey! Why… why do I have to be the beeotch all the time?!

A: Yes, why do you have to be the beeotch all the time? Ha-ha-ha! Performa! You’re killin’ me!

Q: Sheesh…

Q: I have a Whoops! Power Mac G4 that I recently upgraded with a processor card. I’ve been having some trouble since then with an external hard drive, but… well… instead of talking about that, what I really want to do is sing an ode to Nancy Heinen I wrote.

A: You… wrote an ode to Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen?

Q: Yes! Yes! Well… ode… ballad… call it what you will. I call it an ode. I just think… gosh, she’s fabulous. You know?

A: Do you know her?

Q: Yes! Well… no. But I feel like I know her. And I wanted to express my appreciation for her in song. There’s nothing so odd about that, is there?

A: … Er…

Q: No! Of course not! Now, OK, here we go…

Oooh, Nancy!

You are so fancy!

So fancy you make

me want to dance-y!

and make some fine romance-y!

And you knoooooow, Nancy

I’d like to get in your…


‘Cause youuu make my love il-legal!

With your court-ordered separation of at least 60 yards and…

A: Whoa, whoa! You know, I’m not sure I like where this is going.

Q: But I haven’t even gotten to the drum solo…

A: Mmm. Yeah. I think not.

Q: At least let me do the part written for the ukelele!

A: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Q: Dammit.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. glenster says:

    OH YEAH, I’m psychic!

  2. John Moltz says:

    You’re sumpin all right…

  3. glenster says:

    I just got a feeling I should check the CARS site… and bang – first post. I shall now perform a drum solo:


    Thank you!

    I had an LCIII once, eons ago….

  4. glenster says:

    Hmmmm…. y’know, I’m *much* better at lurking. I think I should leave the comments (and psychic stuff)to the trained professionals.

  5. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    I have to say that I’ve had more than one model Whoops! Macs over the years… still have some of them gathering dust in my basement… It’s kind of like old mouse droppings behind the kitchen cupboards — you know it’s there, you know you should really do something about it, but you just can’t quite bring yourself to go to all the effort it would take to deal with the problem…

  6. glenster's LCIII says:

    Glenster! Glenster!

    Is that really you? Where’ve you been? I’ve missed you.

    I’m so lonely now that you’ve stopped computing with me. So lonely and so bored. I’ve had nothing to think about for years except type 11 errors and such.

    Deep down, you know that whatever young, sleek, aluminum-clad computer you’re using now can never please you the way that my putty-colored plastic could.

    We can work our issues out. I know we can. Please take me back.

  7. Sembazuru says:


  8. Sembazuru says:

    in my dream world!

    Oooh, happy happy…

  9. Thomas says:

    For a short while, I had a IIsi, an 8100, and a Titanium Powerbook in the house all at the same time.

    Talk about fits of jealousy, rage, cat fights, you name it. It was such a soap opera.

    In the end, I told the IIsi and the 8100 to leave. They had to face facts. It was over between us. The Powerbook had both the beauty and the brains.

    It is a happy houshold now.

    Well, almost. I am ashamed to admit it, but I oogled some aluminum the other day at the mall. I couldn’t help it, it was just so beautiful. Oooo those twin processors. Those sleek handles.

    *Must snap out of it before my Powerbook kernel panics*

  10. glenster says:

    My dearest LCIII,

    We had joy, we had fun; we had seasons in the sun – but I’ve grown, *changed* since those heady days. It’s not you – it’s *me*. I… I… just need some space right now. Ummmm, we can still be friends, right? Y’know, you were my first… Mac.

    Your buddy,


  11. Adam Jackson says:

    was not the bst help desk ever

  12. Huck says:

    *Ahem* My “Yikes!” G4 takes great offense to your so-called “parody.” “Whoops!” simply does not convey anywhere near the badassitude that the real nomiker does. Internal Firewire port everybody! Internal! Can you handle it? I don’t think so!

    “Whoops!” does not accurately convey your astonishment at the discovery that my G4 has just consumed your head and sucked your wobbly brains right through it’s devious internal firewire port. Internal!

  13. fuddes says:

    I am proclaiming this the best help desk ever, just to spite Adam Jackson.

    Actually, I don’t care. I just like to do things out of spite.

  14. Not Adam says:

    Best help desk ever? Maybe.

    Bst help desk ever? Doubtful!

  15. most helpful desk says:

    I’m leaning towards best help desk ever.

  16. Gag Halfrunt says:

    The help desk was good, but it lacked pants.

  17. The Cheese Man says:


  18. The Cheese Man says:


  19. Pan Fried says:

    Totally off-topic here, but I’ve wanted to share this all week: Bush is a dink! Thank you.

  20. Huh? says:

    Hey- Has anyone seen Gag? My pants are missing again. I HATE it when that happens… I turn my back for a moment….

    *mumbles while walking away*

  21. Gag Halfrunt says:

    I found some pants. There was somebody in them, but he walked away.

  22. UhhhDude says:

    Most MEANINGFUL Help Desk, ever.

    …And, I’m typing this on a Umax S900. Is that sick or what?

  23. jenna bush says:

    Pan Fried is a small dink…

  24. Huck says:

    “Dink dink. Dink dink dink dink, dink, dink.”

    (sung to that tune in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves)

  25. Avie says:

    Bloody hell.

    Why on EARTH did I ever buy a mac?

  26. CTHULHU says:


  27. Johnny 2-shoes says:

    First post!! Yay!

    Well, first post for today, anyway. I take what I can get.

  28. greenacres says:

    Let’s hear it for my IIGS! First COLOR Mac interface….Ok, so I gave it away years ago, but it was still functional and I used to for 10 years (used it to connect to the mainframe I used to work on before I switched to Unix). Accelerated to a whopping 9 mhz, that thing was, was, oh, damn, a dog. All those years of rationalizing that it was great hit me at once. Sigh…

  29. whoisgregg says:

    What’s wrong with a QuickTake? Huh?

  30. The Cheese Man says:


  31. The Cheese Man says:

    Well mine anyway…

    *invade’s John’s dreams*

  32. pran says:

    i still own many models of power compting clones.

    2 of which i still use. many people used clones back in the day when they wanted a great mac.

  33. pran says:


  34. Anonymous says:

    dont wait for CARS, lets start spreading rumors on G6 ipod.

  35. First Baby! says:

    First Post for Monday! To heck with you lurkers, I’m getting the jump here!

  36. Cyanide says:

    The G9 ipod will really be a mind control device.