19 Jul 04Apple Double Ninja Surprise Unveils New iPods On Yor Azz.

Using ancient arts of stealth and surprise known only to ninja assassins, Apple double secret surprise unveiled new iPods on yor azz today.

Appearing as if from nowhere, Apple ninja delivered press releases to the major and Mac-specific media this morning detailing the features of the new iPods.

“I was straight trippin’ when that ninja unveiled the new iPods on my azz, bro,” said MacAddict editor Rik Myslewski. “I was just sittin’ there typin’ and all of a sudden I see this flash of black! I’m like ‘AAAAAAHHH!’ and he’s like ‘HAAAAAIIII-YAAAAWWWW!!!’

“The next thing I know, there’s a press release on my desk and… poof! He’s gone!

“It was hella bent, yo.”

Macworld magazine editor Jason Snell told a similar tale.

“He was like ‘AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI!'” Snell said. “And there were fist flying and feet flailing and nunchuks and sai and that other thing that’s like a nunchuck but is more like a pole on one end and then one of those long spear jobbies with a curved blade on the end! It was buck wild, boi!

“And then… silence. The sound of dew dropping. Somewhere a dog barked. And a single sheet of paper floated down onto my desk. The press release.

“I’ve got a haiku I wrote about it if you’ve got a minute…”

It is thought that Apple has employed this double secret reveal at this crucial juncture as a means of showing that, despite the pre-announcement of September G5 iMacs, the company still has the moves to go all ninja on yor azz.

According to sources within the company, Steve Jobs activated his elite PR ninja strike force this morning, making a fist with both hands, crossing his arms and calling out “Lightning Ninja PR Strike Force Assemble!”

(Editor’s Note: Apple is currently being sued by Marvel Comics for copyright infringement on the Avengers.)

As the members of the Lightning Ninja PR Strike Force appeared, an unseen voice called out their names. “Aki! Ken! Yukio! Motor! Dicky! And, introducing, The Marmot!”

Jobs then handed out the press releases, stated his desire for them to be delivered “on them media azzes” and closed by reminding the strike force members to turn in their time cards at the end of the week.

No Responses to “Apple Double Ninja Surprise Unveils New iPods On Yor Azz.”

  1. Mike Connor says:

    yep, being the first poster really does rule.

  2. jfruh says:

    first post, yo?

  3. jfruh says:

    damn you, “mike connor!” damn you straight to HELL!

  4. Huck says:


    The first post always brings out the worst in people.

  5. Adam Jackson says:

    haha realultimatepower.net


  6. bUcKY says:

    How many times do the CARS dorks need to be reminded about the difference between “lightening” (making something “lighter”) and “lightning” (as in the atmospheric dispersion of electrical energy)? I think Steve the Omniscient knows the difference. Who else would know more about energy fields than Steve (Excluding The Entity)? Steve’s probably considering going ninja on CARS’ azz for misquoting him and making him look like he failed fifth grade.

    Thank You.

  7. Anonymous says:

    that is what realultimatepower(.net) is all about.

  8. John Moltz says:

    Actually, I didn’t want to bring this up, but…

    Steve did fail 5th grade.

    Sad story, really. We’ll tell it some time.

  9. John Moltz says:

    I’d also like to point out that many of the spelling errors on this site are possibly due to the fact that, as a child, I was struck by lightening.

    Yes. Lightening.

    It wouldn’t be so much of a problem except everyone else here is a *worse* speller. I mean… c’mon. Chet’s the only other one for whom English is his native language.

    And look at him…

  10. UhhhDude says:

    So, did the ninjas visit Newsweek first, to lay the iPod on their azz ahead of time?

    Perhaps one of the attack teams got the times screwed up, and their watches weren’t calibrated to GMT.

    Steve’s gonna go all ninja on their azz for this…and then write a lovely haiku.

  11. inazuman says:

    Awwww… they didn’t end up using the giant irobot at the end?

  12. Brother Mugga says:

    I could do with being struck by lightening.

    It’s either that or I’m finally going to have to give up the breakfast fry-ups and Mars bars.

  13. Cyanide says:

    Did these ninjas, by any chance, harness Real Ultimate Power?

  14. Jooblie says:

    This was, quite possibly, the greatest piece of literature mankind has ever created. Er, news story, I meant greatest news story. Ahem…. sorry to imply that this didn’t actually happen.

  15. Del says:

    I haven’t written a haiku since 3rd grade so be gentle.

    Oh, my dark ninja

    sneaking ipod releases

    onto newsmen’s desks

    Thank you thank you thank you.

    If you like this post I’ll be performing in the MegaPost all week. If you don’t like this post…ummm post in the MegaPost about how you don’t like it.


  16. Master Ninja says:

    ninjas punch time cards

    they have no benefits

    ninjas unionize!

  17. greenacres says:

    Steve Jobs: “Master Ninja is working for the Mob! Ninjas, do you want your paycheck to go for some mobsters’ Caddy or keep it in your pocket?” (talks to underling: “Ninjas have pockets, right?”)

  18. John Moltz says:

    Master Ninja the-me so-ng!

  19. won says:

    Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs

  20. B-Rad says:

    This was great! If I could nominate it for most ninja-est post, I would. Masako must be proud.

    Wait, is Masako really an Apple Ninja?

  21. ipodguy says:


  22. JAV says:

    Is an azz anything like an ass?

  23. Anonymous says:

    Ninji. . .huh. . .cool!

  24. Spasmodical says:

    It is always the lightning, but never the darkning with you. When will the darkning strike? When the leavning makes you to rise.

  25. The Cheese Man says:



  26. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    I was once struck by shortening.

    There I was, annoying my mother by signing “mammy’s li’l baby loves short’nin’, short’nin’…and *whonk* she nailed me with a can of shortening. Or maybe it was a bag. What does shortening come in, anyway?

    There. I unveiled that on yor adze. (That’s something like an axe turned sideways).

  27. The Comments Scroll Bar says:

    OUCH stop clicking me like that!!!

  28. www.gleanmachine.com says:

    I need to glean some data.

    Glean, glean, glean some data.

    Glean some data tonight.

  29. Huh? says:

    Mmmmm…. Ninja pants….

  30. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Hey, that’s my line. Find your own pants.

  31. pran says:

    roof kung fu

  32. Master Ninja says:

    Sorry Glean Machine

    Your poem fails Haiku test

    Go glean somewhere else!

  33. Master Ninja so mean!

    Don’t hurt tender feelings

    Aspire to inspire

  34. gratte says:

    yo yo…


    NINJA STRIKE FORCE on yo azz-uh

  35. John Swaine says:


    Funniest damn sequence for months!

    Good Work Guys!

  36. Glean, Glean, Glean my Data

    Merrily through the stream

    Moltz came by

    With his azz in the sky

    And Farquhartz delivered four quarts of Gleem™

    at July 20, 2004 11:46 AM

    Fight the Haiku Oppression!


  37. Cliff says:

    Hey! I am The Marmot