21 Jul 04Apple Renames All Technologies

Legal trouble is forcing Apple to rename one of its premier technologies. According to Apple Insider, Rendezvous will be renamed OpenTalk as part of an conflict with Tibco Software.

Additionally, sources indicate that Apple has decided that as long as it’s renaming one of its technologies, “What the hell, [it] should just go ahead and rename them all.”

Highly reliable sources indicate the following changes will be made:

  • In a sign that relations between Apple and developers are truly souring, Xcode will be renamed OpenInvitationToBiteMe.
  • Automator will become Dashboard, and Dashboard will become Automator. The two will then switch every third Tuesday in months with an “r” in their name.
  • QuickTime will be renamed Spanky. When asked why, an Apple source said somewhat argumentatively “Because we can!” Also, he seemed like he might be drunk. We get a lot of that.
  • VoiceOver will henceforth be known as ShutYoMouf.
  • Quartz is now Kyle Quartz, Private Eye!
  • .Mac will be renamed GMailExcept$100AndWithoutTheStorageSpace. iCards will become CrappyMcCardCrap.
  • 64-Bit is now 64-Bit Extreeeeeeeeeeeeme!!!
  • Core will be Whore. Apparently much of it was coded by whores. Not some techno-geek “code whore” or anything… actual whores. We don’t really know how that’s possible but… Not that whores couldn’t learn to code, given the proper training… Uh… Well, let’s just move on.
  • Spotlight is now the more accurate ProcessorWastingEyeCandy.

Sources also indicate that several other technologies will be renamed things that are unpronounceable. H.264/AVC, for example, will become a string of punctuation, Cyrillic and Asian Unicode characters followed by a poke in the eye.

No Responses to “Apple Renames All Technologies”

  1. Firsty the Clown says:

    Again, I am first.

    Believe me, this is hard work.

    Bedtime for the clown.

  2. Luddy says:

    “According to Apple Insider, Rendezvous will be renamed OpenTalk as part of an agreement with .”

    Whoa! A bit of a brain fart there at the end, eh?

  3. John Moltz says:

    That is really impressive. You actually got the first post IN THE SAME MINUTE. That is freaky crazy go nuts.

    Take a bow, Firsty.

  4. bill gates says:


  5. bill gates says:


  6. bill gates says:


  7. John Moltz says:

    Your three is but five.

    I’m starting to think you’re all the same guy.

    Brain fart has been wafted away.

  8. Firsty the Clown says:


    I also heard that AppleWorks will be renamed Microsoft Office 2004, just for confusion’s sake. No actual update to the software will be made.

  9. Joscelin says:

    First post.

    For me anyway, ever. Yay CARS, this place kicks arse!

  10. qw;rohth says:

    iPod is now Your Mom.

    “Hey Bob, I have Your Mom in my BMW!”

    “I can now push the buttons better on Your Mom.”

    “Great! Your Mom can now keep going for an extra 4 hours!”

  11. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    And I’ve been waiting a really long time now to set up playlists on Your Mom…

  12. Anonymous says:

    I’ve got my thumb on Your Mom’s scroll wheel.

  13. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    Don’t forget, kids, if Your Mom isn’t plugged in regularly, Your Mom will run out of juice!

  14. Anonymous says:

    Now I gotta get Tiger…

    WhoreImage… Oh yeah…

  15. Ozi says:

    My nickname is “spanky.” I dont know why…. but yeah I think I was drunker than your apple informant on the night i got the nickname. But I dont remember what happened. I mean, like I care? *blushes*

    Anyho, im now known as “Quicktime.” Also, what is “spotlight?” and how do i get it to chew up my processor?

  16. Huck says:

    Actually, I’m pretty sure that they’re planning on renaming AppleWorks “TheSweetSweetReleaseFromTormentThatWillNeverCome.” Note that its codename is still “ZombieWorks.”

  17. Cai says:

    The Haikus go on

    the iPod gets an update

    Your Mom still looks good

  18. mr. conspiracy says:

    Damn it, Moltz. These fucking “time zones” are fucking with my mojo. I go to bed at 10 – and NO CARS UPDATE. Next morning, I wake up, and one is mysteriously present – and timestamped 7:37! just a time difference? NO. It’s all a part of a worldwide conspiracy to do away with Margarita Mondays, Two-fer-Tuesdays, Hump-day, Thirsty-Thursdays, and Forty Fridays my personal favorite….must be Old E, though.) Eventually, time will stand still! it will always be the same time! The same day!

    Wait – you mean that it won’t interfere with my drinking? oh. Carry on with your global conspiracy then. Just leave a ten on the dresser and GET OUT!

  19. chris says:

    i don’t wanna spoil the party but since “first post” is my favorite comment.. and i somehow get the feeling that some “hard work” could be the coding of some nutty script that checks a specific website every few seconds and reports back if it changes… of course i realize that i could have inspired a lot of lazy geek for a new first post war, but hey, you have to know your enemy to fight back.. (check your logs, moltz)

    then again, changes are that some people have nothing to do but, duh, pressing the reload button every few seconds…


  20. Postman says:

    John, do you have to encourage this kind of behavior? I propose 1st Post should be relegated to 1st Clever Post. All previous posts disqualified.

  21. Steve Tupid says:

    I come here hoping to read an entertaining article or at least a funny comments. Nothing today. See you all tomorrow.

  22. Del says:

    Funny comments and

    witty posts live in the Cheez

    Whiz filled Mega Post.

    Haikus run rampant

    Limericks peak their head out

    Help us please we’re sick

  23. Huh? says:

    Uh. Those whores didn’t happen to be wearing pants, did they? Cause yesterday there was a whole box of pants in the corner, and now they’re all gone.

    I knew I should have taken some….

  24. Del says:

    I hear firewire was going to be renamed iFlame of Doom.

    I finally wrote

    A post without a haiku

    Oh crap maybe not

  25. UhhhDude says:

    Never mind the haiku…whose brain farted? Least you could do is light a match or something.

    By the way, Your Mom is really hot.

  26. Del says:

    Dude have you seen Your Mom. I heard Your Mom uses a wall plug-in to get juiced up.

  27. Your Mother says:

    I am very ashamed of you all.


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    thing it is visible in fact,:

    Regarding the XcodeOpenInvitationToBiteMe and a name Apple and

    developer space the relationship which it modifies it in order not to

    deceive became sourly in indication.

    The Automator the dashboard, becomes the Automator which becomes the

    dashboard. Regarding 2 that time all 3rd Tuesday changes “inside month

    of r” of name.

    khwik The time is the Spanky and the name which it modifies. Our empty

    tin-can! “Some it talks argument, he drinks to peel and why, you

    inside sequence that, probably, in order when Apple origin” to demand,

    seem in method. We are incorrect the many thing.

    After being Iss with the ShutYoMouf, the VoiceOver.

    Regarding a decision now the Kyle, it is a decisive personal use eye,!

    The Mac is the name which it modifies in the CrappyMcCardCrap where

    the iCards of the GMailExcept$100AndWithoutTheStorageSpace. becomes.

    Regarding 64 bit now 64 bit Extreeeeeeeeeeeeme! ! It gave back at the

    house which it spreads out!

    The core is prostitution department. Regarding an appearance the many

    thing by a prostitution department code it did. Intelligence who it is

    not… Actual prostitution department it peels and what “the techno it

    goes mad hereupon code prostitution department”. We are but with

    realness to peel, as you… It is knowing and Ji Anh intelligence that

    possibility and an ability regarding that prostitution department

    which is not there is, code it… The Uh. which gives training which

    is suitable will learn a fact.. Is good, it is exact moves.

    Regarding the spot light now it is a ProcessorWastingEyeCandy which is

    more accurate.


    Your poor, poor mother.

  28. cat person says:

    Not to be pedantic or anything, but Spotlight is used for searching for files, so while it may waste processor time, “eye candy” doesn’t factor into it at all.

    I realize that this post is not funny. Neither is your site. 😛

  29. Not your mother says:

    Terribly sorry, I didn’t think yourmother.com would be a real website.

    Again, terribly sorry for this error.

    Also, I realized that the whole “translation” thing is only funny for three minutes — way past due!

    My fault!

    Your pal,

    Not your mother

  30. John says:

    You confused Spotlight for CoreImage fools…

  31. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    I have nothing of any value to add here.

    I do like whores, though.

    Those graham crackers and all the melty marshmallow and chocolate…

    No, I’m not talking about smores. I’m talking about the Sunday special at the Bunny Ranch. Makes the girl sticky, though, which is not a bad thing.

    See, I told you it was nothing of value.

    I’ll stop now.

  32. PixelGrid says:

    You guys are getting too jaded and cynical!

    Lighten up!

    Relax! Take a breath! Use exclamation points more often!


  33. The Milkmaid says:


  34. CTHULHU says:



    FEAR IT!

  35. Huck says:

    CHEESE MAN, do you mean this milkmaid?


  36. your joke made funnier:

    64-Bit is now 32-Bit Extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeme!

  37. Insider says:

    If we had whores, we wouldn’t be using them to write code, if you know what I mean.

    Ho yeah!