Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk – Celebrity Edition!


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk fields questions from noted Mac-using celebrities!

NEW YORK YANKEES FIRST BASEMAN JOHN OLERUD: As an avid user of the Macintosh, I’ve often wondered why is it recommended to check and fix permissions before installing an update to the operating system. Why is that?
A: Mmm. That’s in interesting question. But before I get to that, I’d like to ask you a question.
OLERUD: Um… OK.
A: How is it that you could only manage a measly .245 average with the Mariners this year, but are hitting .295 since being picked up by the Yankees? Hmm?
OLERUD: Uh… my publicist said we were just going to talk about the Macintosh…
A: Also, miraculously, your on-base percentage has gone up 20 points, and your OPS has gone from .714 to .776!
OLERUD: Well, yeah, but that’s still not very good. Wait… what am I saying? Can we get back to my question?
A: I’m the one asking the questions now, Mr. Perfect Defensively Since Putting On Pinstripes!
OLERUD: You know… I think I’m just going to go…
A: GET BACK HERE, YOU BASTARD! I’LL GET YOU! I’M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR…
MACGRUDER: Ugluk, he’s lost it! Hold him back! Run, Olerud, run!
OLERUD: Aaaaagh!
MACGRUDER: Run! Run! No… run! What is he doing?
A: He… he is running.
MACGRUDER: Man, he really is slow, isn’t he?

TECHNO MUSICIAN MOBY: Whuuuuu? Waaaa-oooo… uhhhh… waaaaaaa…
A: Um…
MOBY: Daaaaaaaahaha… arrrrrrrrroooo… uuuuhhhh…
A: Uh… Chet? Chet?
MACGRUDER: Yeah?
A: That’s… not Moby.
MACGRUDER: Sure it is.
A: Chet, that is not Moby. I went to high school with Moby. I would know.
MACGRUDER: You did not.
A: Yes, I did! Everyone knows that about me. That’s my claim to fame.
MACGRUDER: That’s your claim to fame?
A: Oh, give me a break! Your claim to fame is having been in an elevator with Gabe Kaplan!
MACGRUDER: Hey, Welcome Back, Kotter was the number one rated show of… well… one of the years it was on!
NOT MOBY: Waaaaaaaooooorrrrraaaaaa?
A: Well… whoever this is… I think he’s drunk. I think you should get him out of here before he hurls on the carpet.
MACGRUDER: OK, fine, I’ll just take Moby back down to the Gas-N-Sip where I found him. This is not any way to treat someone you went to high school with.
A: That is not Moby!
NOT MOBY: All full of stars?
A: All full of fortified malt liquor is more like it. Whew!

STAR TREK ALUMNUS AND TECHNOLOGY MAVEN WIL WHEATON: Well, frankly, I don’t think I need to be asking any questions…
A: Uh, boy…
WHEATON: But one thing I’d like to know is, why is it recommended to check and fix permissions before installing an update to the operating system?
A: Oh, that’s… that is… Who gave you that question?! Huh?! Did Olerud give you that question?! I swear to god…
WHEATON: Oh, hey, and you know, I was at a party once with Moby and… I think that might have been him.
A: Shut up, Wheaton!
MACGRUDER: I told you!
A: Gah!
WHEATON: No, really.
UGLUK: Hey, Olerud still “running” through parking lot. You want me drive him home?

31 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk – Celebrity Edition!”

  10. …in an elevator with Gabe Kaplan! *That* was great! Not true, though – I went to high school with Gabe so I asked him if he has ever been in an elevator with MacGruder. He hasn’t…so up your hole with a mello-roll!

  12. yeah, well I attended Star Fleet Academy with Wil Wheaton, so there! I even helped him with his homework!

  13. Wil Weaton? WIL WEATON?? That’s the best you could do for a celebrity guest? Why didn’t you get the little girl from the Welch’s commercial? Or Madonna (Esther?)? Someone with a little acting talent at least. Wil Weaton? Were you drunk or something? Had you been hit hard on the head? Do you want to be hit hard on the head? Is money that tight around CARS that you could only afford Wil Weaton?

    I’m sooooo disappointed.

  14. Question that failed to make the CARS cut, high standards you know, for crazy help desk:

    Uh, Mo Vaughn tripped and fell on my G5 and now it’s kind of flat. Really flat…about half an inch thick and 12 feet wide. So what I really want to know, though, is do I have check and repair permissions before I pop it into the deflatanator?

  15. Hey, wait a minute. Why do you all keep spelling Wil Wheaton’s name as “Weaton” instead of “Wheaton”? Are we talking about the same guy?

  17. um, let’s see…

    11, eleventh post, etc. etc.

    Something about liquored up muffins

    Where’s the sexual innuendo, yadda yadda yadda

    Making fun of Steve Balmer

    Lesbian sexbot ninja something something

    Not enough Schiller, or Shiller, or however you spell it

    Some character with a bunch vowels or consonants makes some death ray or club to attack somebody

    Inappropriate remark about the Entity’s choice of tie. I think he wears a tie. And I think he’s a he. Or it. And dressed.

    Some form of sexual harassment towards members of the staff

    Yea, that covers just about all of it.

  18. Hah! You forgot to mention lesbian sexbots!

    Oh. Okay, so you remembered the lesbian sexbots…

    AHA! DIDN’T MENTION THE MEGA-POST!

    GOTCHA! GOTCHA!

    (Moltz, I need a Queen WAV file attached here.)

  26. To be official this thread must include mention of Cheeze Whiz!

    There, now this can be considered an officially sanctioned CARS message thread.

  27. Let’s not forget the token AtAT reference:

    Ahem…

    Anything Moltz can do, Jack can do better.

    There. Now we’ve covered all the bases.

  28. Last post.

    BTW I really like the italics in the title. Is that new?

    HmmÂ…I guess I shouldn’t be asking a question on the last post.

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