Somewhere in the Macintosh community, someone has decided to upgrade in order to run the new Care Bears game that began shipping today.
Sitting bolt upright in his chair, Mac user Paul Kafasis sensed a disturbance as the unnamed individual made the decision to upgrade from his 200 MHz Power PC.
“I don’t know where or who,” Kafasis said, “but I felt it happen.
“It was horrible. Horrible.
“I mean… you’re using a 200 MHz machine… and you upgrade to play the Care Bears. That’s gotta be a new low in human existence.”
The new Care Bears game requires a 300 MHz G3 or better, freezing out at least five existing Mac users. While at least one shadowy user has decided to upgrade because of its stiff requirements, another is determined to stay with his current machine.
“I don’t care what newfangled game comes out,” said Performa 6400 owner Jeff Mattson. “Sure, the eight mini games in Care Bears: Let’s Have A Ball sound exciting, but it’s a gateway game! You start out upgrading to enjoy some bears bowling and playing soccer or whatever the crap, and then you have to get a few more megahertz to zap some alien sprites and finally you’re running out to get a G5 with the latest graphics card so you can play Halo in fully-rendered 3D textured glory the way God meant it to be played!”
Taking a few deep breaths to compose himself and wiping his brow with a handkerchief, Mattson said “No thank you. Not for me.
“Particularly since I just got off of heroin.”
While a number of concerned Mac users have formed a search party to find the individual who will be upgrading to play the Care Bears: Let’s Have A Ball, Kafasis offered to personally beat Mattson over the head with an Apple extended keyboard.