28 Sep 04Someone, Somewhere Upgrades To Run New Care Bears Game.


Somewhere in the Macintosh community, someone has decided to upgrade in order to run the new Care Bears game that began shipping today.

Sitting bolt upright in his chair, Mac user Paul Kafasis sensed a disturbance as the unnamed individual made the decision to upgrade from his 200 MHz Power PC.

“I don’t know where or who,” Kafasis said, “but I felt it happen.

“It was horrible. Horrible.

“I mean… you’re using a 200 MHz machine… and you upgrade to play the Care Bears. That’s gotta be a new low in human existence.”

The new Care Bears game requires a 300 MHz G3 or better, freezing out at least five existing Mac users. While at least one shadowy user has decided to upgrade because of its stiff requirements, another is determined to stay with his current machine.

“I don’t care what newfangled game comes out,” said Performa 6400 owner Jeff Mattson. “Sure, the eight mini games in Care Bears: Let’s Have A Ball sound exciting, but it’s a gateway game! You start out upgrading to enjoy some bears bowling and playing soccer or whatever the crap, and then you have to get a few more megahertz to zap some alien sprites and finally you’re running out to get a G5 with the latest graphics card so you can play Halo in fully-rendered 3D textured glory the way God meant it to be played!”

Taking a few deep breaths to compose himself and wiping his brow with a handkerchief, Mattson said “No thank you. Not for me.

“Particularly since I just got off of heroin.”

While a number of concerned Mac users have formed a search party to find the individual who will be upgrading to play the Care Bears: Let’s Have A Ball, Kafasis offered to personally beat Mattson over the head with an Apple extended keyboard.

39 Responses to “Someone, Somewhere Upgrades To Run New Care Bears Game.”

  1. will says:

    fp!!!!!

  2. Earthsaver says:

    But there never was a 200 MHz G3. 300 was the minimum.

  3. Shayne says:

    Didn’t my bondi iMac come with a 233 G3? I could have swore it had that!

  4. Anonymous says:

    fourth?

  5. FoolishMortal says:

    Earthsaver is WRONG! Muah ha haha. Shayne is RIGHT!

    Of course, there wasn’t a Mac with a 200 MHz G3, but they certainly didn’t start at 300.

    Why yes, I am a pedant.

  6. Huck says:

    Ooh, yeah I could really go for some of that 11th post goodness right about now. Mmmm… yes.

    *rubs hands together and quivers*

    It’s been like…

    *lengthy pause*

    a week… since I’ve last had some 11th post. I really need it. I… enjoy it very much.

    *bloodshot eyes dart about wildly for a moment*

    Do you… do you have any? Any 11th? Some for me?

    *stares into empty darkness*

  7. Ozi says:

    Believe me, being hit around with an apple extended keyboard hurts far more than just the usual kind. 😮 Lotsa pain!

  8. Old Man says:

    Man, them’s some stiff system requirements:

    Macintosh Requirements:

    • System 9.0

    • OSX or higher

    • 300 MHz Power PC Processor

    • 32 MB RAM

    • 250 MB free hard disk space

    • 256 color display

    • 640X480 resolution

    • 8X speed CD-ROM

    • Mouse

    • Printer

    I’m gonna have to get me another one o’ dem 16 MB RAM doohickeys. Maybe a faster CD-ROM too.

  9. greenacres says:

    I’ll bet my old 200 mhz MPower 604e clone could ‘handle’ the Care Bear game! Ok, so there’ll be some stutter as the ball is rolling down the bowling alley lane….

  10. greenacres says:

    Hmmm. That was post number 9….

  11. greenacres says:

    That was post 10, one more and the Huckster won’t get his ‘fix’…

  12. The evil one says:

    I’m

  13. greenacres says:

    Oooooops!

  14. The evil one says:

    Sorry

  15. The evil one says:

    Huck

    Dang it someone screwed up my 11th post idea!

  16. Not Huck says:

    Ah, basking in eleventh post goodness…oooo…that feels good. Is it my imagination or is it especially presumptious todday.

  17. Anonymous says:

    What the…? There are 6 eleventh posts today.

  18. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Erm, why do you need a printer to play the Care Bears game? To print out high scores to show your friends, perhaps?

  19. Sorry for injecting some real incredulity into this discussion, but the system requirements for the game include a printer. Like, WTF? A PRINTER? I guess I don’t meet the minimum system reqs., and furthermore I guess that I’m not alone. Furthermore, just “a printer”? Will a dot-matrix work? Pen plotter? Daisywheel? Exactly what portions of the game will not work if you don’t have a printer? I’m guessing it’s something to do with “Complete all the levels to unlock and print exclusive collectible Care Bears posters!”, but does that mean that the game just up and prints stuff if you complete the levels, and if there’s no printer it lights your computer on fire? (“lp0 on fire”)

  20. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    addendum:

    Has anyone heard the scandalous rumor that the Bears don’t even Care anymore? Not one hoot.

    …especially since Grossman’s out for the season…

  21. G3 400 MHz owner says:

    If you buy a plush Care Bear at the toy store you get a FREE!!!! VHS tape circa 1984 with what I assume to be one of the original TV episodes from that era. You know the kind of VHS tape that has /just enough/ tape for the video without wasting a precious inch of magnetic goodness? Oh yeah.

    Don’t ask me how I know this information because I won’t tell you. Ever. Never…uh, Ever and/or Never… whichever is applicable to this situation.

    Oh, and my G3 400 MHz box’s printer will never see this game. Mwhaa ha ha ha. Take *that* system requirements!

  22. Know-it-All says:

    Care Bears are gay.

  23. Aaron says:

    “When I’m with you I don’t know whether I should study neurosurgery or go and see the Care Bears movie.” — Al Yankovic

    If somebody has a daisy wheel printer that they got to work with their Mac I for one would be very impressed.

  24. greenacres says:

    I will hazard a bet that like my 3-year old daughter’s Winnie the Pooh game, you can print out pages for coloring Care Bears….

  25. greenacres says:

    Really, she does play it. Not me. Except for the Tigger game, what a hoot! Oh, are you all still here??? Shutting up…

  26. Sexbot Union Rep says:

    Proof of a Sexbot sighting near the beach on CraigsList (the author mistakes a Sexbot Jubbly-Gun-Barrel for a piercing, but we know better!)

    http://newyork.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/40691636.html

  27. I know it’s against CARS Poster Policy to actually write a real, honest-to-goodness reply, but (and this is a BIG BUT!! — there, now it’s a CARS approved post) As the Apple Turns actually wrote an article about another Care Bears game by the same company a while back…

    http://www.appleturns.com/scene/?id=4418

    Buyer beware!! If ValuSoft is at all like it used to be, this game is little more than a cruddy port from the Windows version, with little if any tech support.

    As if anyone would actually buy a Care Bears game anyway. Pfft!!

  28. Winks-a-lot says:

    It is possible with the Grumpy Bear as happy? If and the applause

    Bear obtains assault, smile his boring is done!

    Move the friend Bear, kick the soccer ball according to the purpose of the rainbow for victory.

    As for the Funshine Bear we would like to catch the sphere where the bucket colors, but he when exactly being correct, needs that the stick is attached!

    The Bear and the love lot of movement Tenderheart withstand the fact that the nul of those everything bubbles. Pop is removed in order to expand happiness anywhere!

    Hit against the foot fin, nudge maintain at the partner of the star of the going to bed time Bear of the wake of of calm the air you

    delimit the sphere!

    Repel the part of the tube in order to insert sphere in the bucket.

    When it is hard, it is, that but when the bucket is full, prayer as

    for the request of the Bear which goes truth comes.

  29. UhhhDude says:

    Was that a Mega-Post spammer? Or have all the Mega-Post regulars been taken over by creepy alien spambots?

  30. Del says:

    I’m not a spam bot! I’m a sexbot 😛

  31. Sexbot Union Rep says:

    Del wrote: “I’m not a spam bot! I’m a sexbot :P”

    Bull!! Post a photo of yourself to prove it!

  32. pran says:

    it was me upgrading- a power tower pro to an 800 mhz g4

  33. MacStansbury says:

    huh? what?

    I thought I heard ‘Del’ “sexbot’ and ‘photos’ used around here.

    There’s pictures?

    But more importantly, is it true?

  34. Brother Mugga says:

    Any news of a ‘My Little Pony’ game on the horizon?

    Anyone?

    Any…er…?

    No?

    Ho hum.

    ‘Tossles’ was my favourite.

  35. Anonymous says:

    Oh, the emptynesss…

  36. Earthsaver says:

    Yes. I apologize. iMacs started at 233. My reckless oversight.

  37. Del says:

    😛

    I will never admit to having pictures online.. though I’ve heard a few from Pennsic and Sci-fi cons have made it onto the web.

    That is all I will say.

  38. Jhight says:

    Please help…

    looking for marketing trends and narrow vs. broad market business model supporting Care Bears game.

    We are looking at the possibility of releasing a “Care Bears RPG online screensaver” for the G4.