30 Sep 04Apple Fails To Make Inroads With People Who Will Never Buy A Mac.


Technology industry analysts indicate that Apple is failing to reach people who will never buy a Mac anyway.

A recent poll conducted by the Gallup Organization asked 1034 consumers “Would you ever buy a Mac?” Those who answered “No” were then asked again “Would you ever buy a Mac?”

A startling 97% said they would never buy a Mac.

According to the poll’s internals, several respondents were apparently simply confused at being asked the same question twice and mistakenly answered “Yes” the second time.

InfoWorld’s Jon Udell said “Apple still has failed to reach the people that it will never reach. A solid plan of embracing standards and opening up the Mac architecture to more developers will… well, it’ll still never reach these people pretty much by definition, but I think it’d be cool if they did that.”

PC user Peter Linn said that he will never buy a Mac and that there is nothing that Apple can do about it.

“I don’t really have anything against the Mac,” Linn said. “I’m just happy using a PC and I don’t see that changing.”

Presented with the following list of things that Apple could throw in with the purchase of any Mac, Linn remained steadfast.

  • Firewire backup drive
  • Microsoft Office
  • Professional digital video camera
  • A fifth of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine
  • Three hookers
  • Three hookers and a fifth of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine
  • An Apple logo mouse pad
  • Three hookers, a fifth of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine and an Apple logo mouse pad
  • A Star Wars collectible plate with Luke and Leia and Chewie and shit
  • Three hookers, a fifth of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine, and Apple logo mouse pad and a Star Wars collectible plate with Luke and Leia and Chewie and shit

“I don’t think they’d really do some of those,” Linn said, handing the list back. “And I’m gonna have to ask you to leave now.”

Apple itself has admitted that it has no plan aimed at wooing the people who will never buy a Mac anyway.

“Seems kind of pointless,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“Am I missing something?” Schiller said, declining to review the list of things that Apple could throw in with the purchase of any Mac.

21 Responses to “Apple Fails To Make Inroads With People Who Will Never Buy A Mac.”

  1. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    I’ll take the 3 hookers and the Boone’s Farm!

  2. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    See, I’ve already got an Apple mouse pad. And, well, frankly, I don’t think I’d like to have shit on my plate…

  3. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    Actually, the Strawberry Wind sounds kind of questionable too… Or was that just a typo?

  4. The Firth of Fifth says:

    Fourth!

  5. Joscelin says:

    And what about the sexbots? I’m sure we’d see terrific swicth rates and a great increase in marlet share if the new Macs would just come bundeled with sex bots.

    And if Apple refuses to do that, what about if they include a Firewire backup drive preloaded with 60 gigs of porn. I bet that would result in a lot of switchers. Just so long as the porn isn’t too weird. I mean the whole ‘Think Different’ is cool and all, but the last thing I need is for my new G5 to come with a folder full of midgets spanking a man covered in 1000 island dressing ::shiver::

  6. PoisedNoise says:

    What’s with the suddenly inability to type people?

    “Those that answered “No” where then asked again”….

    “terrific swicth rates and a great increase in marlet share”

    “Actually, the Strawberry Wind sounds kind of questionable”

    ….ummm, yes I would say strawberry wind would seem questionable.

    Sort out your damn typing. I don’t expect to see this kind of sloppiness when I check CARS at 6.30am….

    ..and surely it’s Chewie? And what about Han? Or is he included in the shit? Personally, I didn’t think his acting was _that_ bad…..

  7. PoisedNoise says:

    ….of course, the erroneous use of the word “suddenly” instead of “sudden” in my post above was intentional, just to keep you on your toes….. *cough*

  8. Anonymous says:

    “Three hookers, a fifth of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wind, and Apple logo mouse pad and a Star Wars collectible plate with Luke and Leia and Chewy and shit”

    I’m going to have to concur that the “Strawberry Wind” sounds pretty questionable, and the fact that it comes with chewy shit doesn’t make it any more appetizing.

    However, Boone’s Farm does have a reputation for producing quality, classy products.

  9. Huck says:

    I gotta admit, if I was offered a sexbot, I would also accept anything else along with it, be it Mac, PC, or whatever. Apple, you should write this stuff down.

    Note: “anything” is bounded by a dinner date with Steve Ballmer.

  10. Huck says:

    That would be exclusively bounded, not inclusively.

  11. bear says:

    ! prefer the 1999 vintage of Boone’s Farm. It goes particularly well with Clausen’s Pickle Relish on Melba Toast…….

    …………with a chaser of sexbots!

  12. bear says:

    And, Huck, congratulations on your ‘leventh post!

  13. UhhhDude says:

    Um, does that plate have “Star Wars” Leia? Or “Return of the Jedi” Leia in the bikini costume? That’s an importat question when you’re thinking of switching computers, you know….

  14. MacStansbury says:

    First Post!

    does anybody ever read the story first, anymore? what was it about anyways?

  15. Joscelin says:

    Eh, nothing important. Something about DIsney buying Apple probably.

  16. Del says:

    I thought Apple bought Disney?

  17. Anonymous says:

    I thought Pixar bought them both!

  18. cleanslatefan says:

    if i didn’t know that you guys were kidding and i wasn’t a mac user i probably wouldn’t buy a mac because you make them look bad. CLEAN UP YOUR ACT AND STOP TRASHING MACS

  19. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    Whoa! Dude! Who’s trashing Macs? Time for some dumpster diving! Whooooo-hoo!

  20. UhhhDude says:

    Hey! Where else can you get information about trashed Macs AND lesbian sexbots eating Cheez Whiz with Clausen’s Pickle Relish? Try finding this kinda stuff on MacInsider…

    Also, two words: The Entity. No one else on the Mac web can claim their own superior alien being (except for Apple.com, which has Steve Jobs).