A new battery announced by Battery Technology Inc. will, according to Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer, allow iPod owners to steal music up to four times longer than they were previously able to steal music.
iPod users, who Ballmer described as “thieves,” were delighted by the announcement.
“I just love the stealin’!” said 22-year-old iPod owner and thief Keith Layman. “It’s what gets me up in the morning!”
Layman indicated that he intends to steal himself one of Battery Technology Inc.’s new iPod batteries as soon as the opportunity arises.
“I’m extremely excited about the opportunity to be able to quadruple the number of hours a day I spend stealing music. I salute Battery Technology Inc. for its ingenuity. I can’t wait to shoplift one of these batteries.”
Layman is prime example of Apple’s core iPod customer: young, unprincipled and addicted to the stealing.
“To tell you the truth, I don’t even listen to the music anymore!” Layman said. “With all the stealing I’ve done, my soul has become black as pitch so I’m unable to enjoy music now, anyway.”
Layman cackled loudly as he continued to download illegal music to put on his iPod.
“It’s all about the stealin’ now for me! New Green Day album? Boom! Ha-ha-ha!
“Hey, why can’t I delete this empty playlist called ‘Purchased Music’?”
Apple Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein also lauded Battery Technology Inc.’s announcement, saying “This increases the iPod’s value proposition to the na’er-do-wells, rapscallions and scalawags that are our key market.
“We appreciate third party hardware developers that are as committed to making the iPod the best possible platform for stealing music as we are.”