04 Oct 04New Battery Allows iPod Users To Steal Up To Four Times Longer.


A new battery announced by Battery Technology Inc. will, according to Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer, allow iPod owners to steal music up to four times longer than they were previously able to steal music.

iPod users, who Ballmer described as “thieves,” were delighted by the announcement.

“I just love the stealin’!” said 22-year-old iPod owner and thief Keith Layman. “It’s what gets me up in the morning!”

Layman indicated that he intends to steal himself one of Battery Technology Inc.’s new iPod batteries as soon as the opportunity arises.

“I’m extremely excited about the opportunity to be able to quadruple the number of hours a day I spend stealing music. I salute Battery Technology Inc. for its ingenuity. I can’t wait to shoplift one of these batteries.”

Layman is prime example of Apple’s core iPod customer: young, unprincipled and addicted to the stealing.

“To tell you the truth, I don’t even listen to the music anymore!” Layman said. “With all the stealing I’ve done, my soul has become black as pitch so I’m unable to enjoy music now, anyway.”

Layman cackled loudly as he continued to download illegal music to put on his iPod.

“It’s all about the stealin’ now for me! New Green Day album? Boom! Ha-ha-ha!

“Hey, why can’t I delete this empty playlist called ‘Purchased Music’?”

Apple Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein also lauded Battery Technology Inc.’s announcement, saying “This increases the iPod’s value proposition to the na’er-do-wells, rapscallions and scalawags that are our key market.

“We appreciate third party hardware developers that are as committed to making the iPod the best possible platform for stealing music as we are.”

30 Responses to “New Battery Allows iPod Users To Steal Up To Four Times Longer.”

  1. Sembazuru says:

    I am not a crook!

  2. Joscelin says:

    You know, someone with the PC or mainstream press is going to see this and assume that Apple did leak this stuff and write an article about it. Not that it wouldn’t be funny. I’d laugh.

  3. powermac99 says:

    You can delete that purchased music playlist, can’t you? THIRD!

  4. Anonymous says:

    “I can wait to shoplift one of these batteries.”

    Huh? But I thought he was excited about these things! What a flip-flopper.

  5. Anonymous says:

    i am a crook

  6. JL! says:

    Timely and hilarious! Way to go, CARS.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I think this is the earliest I’ve ever been on the posting order (but then, this is also the earliest I’ve been up for a while, so…).

    And as such, I’m going to hang around, posting useless observations, just to steal 11th from Huck. And then I’m going to record me laughing about it and load it onto my iPod. That I haven’t got yet, but will chav from Dixons later today.

    Bwah hah hah hah haaaaaaaa…

    (steeples fingers and rocks to-and-fro)

    Like that, you see. Only, you know, deeper and less, um, effeminate.

  8. Brother Mugga says:

    Bwah HAH hah hah haaaaaaaa….

    Oooh, that’s better.

  9. Brother Mugga says:

    Bwah HAAAAAAAAAAH hah hah hah hah haaaaaaaaaaaa…

    Oh yeah, now we’re, um, cookin’ with gas.

    Helium.

    Hang on, isn’t that inert?

  10. Brother Mugga says:

    Bwah haaaaaaaaaa (ready) hah hah hah (wait for it) hah hah ha-

  11. Huck says:

    Nice try. Shouldn’t have breathed in there.

  12. 2000guitars says:

    five finger discounts

    sirens in the distance sound

    get your ipod kicks

  13. Brother Mugga says:

    Just kidding.

    See the way I nicked Huck’s ID there?; do I know how to bludgeon a theme insensible and then bury it under the patio or what?!

    Seriously, I’m hilarious me.

    Oooh yes (fans face and chuckles), hil-A-rious.

    Time for Work, said Zebedee….

  14. Huck says:

    Curses! My evil plans are foiled again!

    Though at least I can still store ILLEGALLY downloaded music on my iPod. Hooray!

  15. Brother Mugga says:

    Yes – I can’t wait for Apple to make a video iPod, so I can download the illicitly recorded footage of footage of Monkey-Boy Balmer taking the high moral ground for Microdosh r.e. my nascent kleptomania. (A message he no doubt chose to promulgate through the ‘medium of dance.’) After all, it’s great to see the boys from Redmond finally plucking up the courage to speak out against machines with hard-drives running illegally copied software…

  16. UhhhDude says:

    I may be a thief, but at least I am not a hairless monkey-boy.

    Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!

    Dev-(choke)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    Masako: Get off my plane, Monkey-boy.

  17. Del says:

    I’m so bad I’m stealing iPods all the time now. I listen to them once and then throw them away. Who wants to use as USED iPod. I used to be a windows user but their strict DRM kept me from stealing music. I mean every time I loaded Kazaa or Limewire on my computer Ballmer showed up on my doorstep and sweated all over the place. GROSS and totaly not worth free music.

    So I switch to the Mac. Since they didn’t get DRM until recently I could steal music all I wanted. Once Apple got a DRM whenever I steal songs Schiller shows up on my doorstep. YUM! Hmm.. come to thing about it I thing I need to steal some more songs.

    *Puts on sexy clothes and turns on hockey. Makes sure the fridge is full of beer*

    Come here you sexy Canadian!

    *fires up limewire*

  18. JCD says:

    best episode ever.

  19. Confused says:

    So…um…Windows Media Player doesn’t play mp3 files? Oh, Mr. Ballmer, you sly prince of theives, you.

  20. Anonymous says:

    It does now, but it might not in the near future.

  21. CTHULHU says:

    SOME OF MY FELLOW DEMON-GODS ONCE DISCUSSED REMOVING AND CONSUMING BALLMER’S SOUL, BUT AFTER SEEING HIS “MONKEY-BOY” DANCE THE IDEA WAS ABANDONED.

    SOME HORROR IS TOO UNSPEAKABLE EVEN FOR DEMON-GODS. THAT, AND WE’RE TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON DIETARY GREASE!

    IT’S TRUE, I SWEAR. GLAARKU EVEN HURLED IN THE CORNER AT THE MERE THOUGHT!!

    HE’S GOT TO CLEAN THAT UP SOMETIME, BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO DO IT!!!

  22. GLAARKU says:

    I DID NOT HURL IN THE CORNER. IT WAS AZATHOTH I SWEAR.

    DON’T WORRY THOUGH HOWARD WILL CLEAN IT UP.

  23. wba says:

    23!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24. Gunkulator says:

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world (especially this Board) at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went un-noticed last week.

    Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

    They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started…..

     

  25. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    from a TShirt:

    “What if the hokey pokey IS what it’s all about?”

  26. Gunkulator says:

    That was very zen Dwartz…

  27. MacStansbury says:

    I heard sexy clothes….am I too late?

  28. Del says:

    Yeah sorry I’m fully dressed again.

  29. bob says:

    Wow..

    Where can I download one of these batteries?? KazaA? Bittorrent?

    Or do I have to download it from the iTunes store, where I can only use it 3 times on my iPod, and once on another computer?

    😉

    /b

  30. Dan Rather says:

    This just in…

    Bill Gates at the Windows Media Center coming out party introduces a methane-powered iPod killer called the eFlat.

    “When this baby is hooked up to Ballmer, it could run for centuries,” shouted a crazed Bill Gates.

    Queen Latifa said she was ready to give one a try, but decided against it when Mr. Gates said he wanted to be the power source.