05 Oct 04Apple Bars Certain Activities From Stores.

A surprised Robert Morgan of Bare Feats learned last week that Apple had barred him from performance testing equipment at Apple stores. Morgan is just the latest person to run afoul of a host of activities Apple has barred from its stores.

According to internal company memos, Apple has barred the following its stores:

  • Tasting the iPods
  • Target practice in the theater
  • Wolverine races
  • Opening up a G5 box, crawling in and then jumping out and yelling “Bwalalalala!” in an attempt to scare store employees
  • Any activity in which one “mounts” anything other than a disk drive, and even that has certain restrictions
  • Using store machines to play clips of William Shatner’s new album on the iTunes Music Store
  • Genius groping

Meanwhile, there is an equally interesting list of things that Apple has neglected to bar:

  • Caressing the G5s
  • Loudly announcing “Damn! You can feel the heat from this processor right through your pants!”
  • Breathing heavily on the Cinema Displays
  • Climbing under the counters and pretending to be a troll – “To try this Mac, you must answer these questions three!”
  • Holding a USB flash drive up to another customer and asking “Does this smell funny to you?”
  • Hot lesbian Aqua licking

Apple reserves the right to update its list of restricted activities at any time.

36 Responses to “Apple Bars Certain Activities From Stores.”

  1. random says:

    First. Ummm….I don’t know if I can safely go in the apple stores anymore.

  2. bear says:


  3. Looks good says:

    Hmm. At first I they might outlaw pants-free forays through the store. Yeah, they didn’t. Now to find an old apple t-shirt and some sandles.

  4. greenacres says:

    Funny, they didn’t complain when my daughter used their theatre bench for her gymnastics routine complete with dismount….5th

  5. Frank Wilson says:

    You can’t grope them?

    What are they there for, then?

  6. Pip says:

    Those Fahsion Valley bastards. I’m going to UTC for all my Genius groping performance test needs now. Bastards.

  7. towi says:

    Sadly enough the new Shatner album isn’t that bad….

  8. PoisedNoise says:

    Thankfully they haven’t seen fit to negotiate rights for it in the UK store yet.

  9. Huck says:

    Well, as long as I can still broadcast my butt to all of the Macs via iChat…

  10. Huck says:

    “Should I post again?” I wonder, “will it be worth spamming just to have the eleventh post?”

    And now you know.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Not last!

  12. UhhhDude says:

    They didn’t mention anything about using the underside of a PowerBook to cook bacon and eggs, now did they? Huh? Huh?


  13. foiled again says:

    Ha ha ha your’e last! Err was last oh darn. I can’t do anything right.

  14. witness says:


    Oh, drat. Off-by-one error again! *crashes*

  15. Olgluk says:

    Where are my pills ?

  16. Anonymous says:

    Oh good, the did not put sodomy with a goat on the list.

  17. Over-bored says:

    Meanwhile, has there an interesting pile ingualmente things

    that APPLE neglected to bar:

    Caressing G5s

    Increase to announce “dum ray! You can feel the heat of this

    line of the processor through their trousers!”

    To breathe heavily in the indicators of the cinema

    While climbing under the accountants and while pretending to be a troll – “for deessayer this one mac, you must answer these questions three!”

    To stop do a movement of the flash of USB to the another customer and pediz it they “make this odor amusing with you?”

    Hot Aqua lesbian that licking

  18. Del says:

    No wolverine races! That’s it Apple is banned from ever opening a store in Ann Arbor.

  19. Dwight Brown says:

    “No wolverine races!”

    But, apparently, ferret racing is still okay. Also, as I understand it, the weekly Madagascar hissing roach races are going to continue.

    And you can still race ice weasels, but only at night.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Can I still play ping-pong on the genius bar?

  21. And no specific endorsement or prohibition of anything related to ninjas and/or sexbots.

    So is it better to engage in activities involving those groups and risk their ban or to take that activity somewhere other than the Apple store? (Although that takes all the fun out of it.)

  22. Huh? says:

    True, the Fashion Valley Apple Store has barred Genius groping, but the UTC store actively promotes it… As a friend of the local genius there, I can tell you he truly enjoys it. Really gets into his job.

    Tell Wild Bill I said hi.

  23. MacStansbury says:

    Okay, first of all, those weren’t wolverines I was racing, they were badgers.

    And secondly, there weren’t ANY signs or nothing like that strictly prohibiting that sort of activity. I mean, I have to drive over 2 hours to even get to an Apple Store, and this is the thanks I get? And darn if I didn’t lose one of ’em.

    So if anybody’s in the Lenox Square Apple Store and sees a particularly large rat chewing the power cables, give Madison (that’s her name) a piece of cheese. She can’t see real well, so she hides until night. True omnivores, those badgers.

    My real concern is that she built a nest in there in the Apple Store, cause the badgers they move somewhere, and they stay. And while I discourage all fraternization, I realize that when a boy badger meets a girl badger, and they get too much Bacardi in their system, and I get up in the morning and I find the couch in a mess and my Barry White CDs all over the floor, I’m figuring I’m going to have the pitter-patter of mildly belligerent baby badgers running everywhere.

    I say all that to say this…RUN!!!!!! I’m serious! Those little badgers are mean as all get out, and they fight like, um, well, they fight like…badgers. Jeez, I’m probly gonna get sued for this. too…

  24. Macdsl says:

    Yeah, if their such geniuses, how come they can’t figure out how to make a Mac and coke? Only freakin’ bar without alcohol…You know, some alcohol sure would help when having to listen to those “Looks like it’s not covered under warranty” conversations….

  25. Del says:

    We used to rat race in college. I had a little orange rat that was a speed demon. She used to work out in her wheel for hours. She was never beaten on the track.

    I used to win all the beer. Those were the good ole days.

  26. Dwight Brown says:

    “Okay, first of all, those weren’t wolverines I was racing, they were badgers.”

    “And darn if I didn’t lose one of ’em.”

    Badgers? We ain’t got no badgers! We don’t need no badgers! I don’t have to show you any stinking badgers!


  27. MacStansbury says:

    Also, go to MacStansbury.com and see just how you too can scare the stuffing out of them non-ABC-licensed “Geniuses”.

    Transformers, more than meets the eyes…

  28. Anonymous says:

    number 30 is mine

  29. Anonymous says:

    YEAAAAHHH #30 at last hahahahahaha ill se you all in hell

  30. Huck says:

    Well, I’d try to find you, but I’m afraid you didn’t leave a name. And now that I’m in hell, I don’t really see anyone that seems like they might be you. At the very least, no one seems to be laughing about meeting people in hell.

    Are you sure you told me the right place? I’m lucky enough that I found an internet-capable computer in these firey pits. Unfortunately, it’s running Windows and it tells me that it’s going to be shutting down any moment now. The word “sasser” is inexplicably crossing my mind.

    Anyway, I’m waiting by the giant red guy with the pointy stick. I think he wants to use the computer. So… I guess I’ll hang out here for a while longer. Erm… maybe it’s not the computer he’s interested in…

  31. MacStansbury says:

    …and that’s not a stick…


  32. Anonymous says:


  33. blank says:


    “…you must answer ME these questions three!”

    Thanks, I feel much better now.

  34. Hot Lesbian Aqua Licking! Ohhh Yeahhh Baby!

  35. Steve Jobs says:

    Good thing they didn’t ban pancreatic surgery. Saved me a few bucks having the Cupertino genius do the job…

    And now that I think of it, I don’t think any genius worth his weight in sushi is going to try to stop me from doing any dang thing I want! Bwahahahah…erp…cough…

    Oh darn, there go the stitches….