11 Oct 04Rubinstein Won’t Get Off Ride Outside Grocery Store.

Concerned Apple employees report today that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jonathan Rubinstein will not get off a coin-operated rocket ship ride outside of the Cupertino Safeway.

“Jon has a bag full of quarters and I think he means to go through them all,” said a worried Apple staffer.

“Yee-hah!” yelled an exuberant Rubinstein, throwing his hands in the air while being rocked back and forth at an almost glacial pace by the ride. “Wee-hoo! Wha-ha! Yeah! Yeah!”

A group of Apple employees had gathered to witness the scene.

“Is it a call for help?” mused one engineer.

“He certainly does make it look fun,” observed another.

Several of Rubinstein’s peers soon arrived and attempted to talk down the man responsible for what is arguably the hottest product in Apple’s history.

“JON,” said Apple Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian through a megaphone, despite the fact he was standing just feet away from him.

“JON, THIS IS AVIE. I KNOW WE HAVEN’T ALWAYS SEEN EYE TO EYE ON EVERYTHING. LIKE COLD PASTA SALAD. I THINK IT’S STUPID. PASTA SHOULD BE HOT. YOU SEEM TO LIKE IT. I DON’T KNOW. IT’S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT DON’T SHOW UP ON STANDARDIZED PERSONALITY TESTS.

“BUT WE NEED TO PUT ALL THAT BEHIND US NOW, JON! YOU NEED TO COME DOWN FROM THERE AND START LIVING YOUR LIFE AGAIN! LIVE, JON! LI-”

“Give me that!” shouted an impatient Senior Vice President of Software Sina Tamaddon. “I’ll get him down.”

“JON… YOU COME DOWN FROM THAT SPACE SHIP RIGHT NOW! SOME OF REST OF US WANT A RIDE! YOU’RE BEING VERY SELFISH, JON! VEEEERY SELFISH!”

“You idiots!” snapped Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen, snatching the megaphone out of Tamaddon’s hand.

“JON… JON, COME DOWN. I’M A WOMAN WITH NEEDS, JON. AND FOR SOME REASON SEEING YOU ASTRIDE THAT ROCKET…”

“Oh, stop it,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, taking the megaphone from Heinen.

“JON… LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. HAVE YOU… SEEN MY LUNCH? IT WAS IN A BROWN PAPER BAG IN THE EXECUTIVE REFRIGERATOR. IT SAID ‘PHIL’ ON IT.

“NO? OK. I… I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE…”

All entreaties to Rubinstein proved ineffective, however. As of late this afternoon, Rubinstein was reportedly still on the ride and showing no signs of losing interest in it.

More updates as this volatile situation develops.

27 Responses to “Rubinstein Won’t Get Off Ride Outside Grocery Store.”

  1. HA HA says:

    FIRST

  2. Gunkulator says:

    1st

    Yippee

  3. Gunkulator says:

    Ha Ha sucks avacados

  4. HA HA says:

    I GOT THE FIST comment ha ha ha eat it

    PAK MAN got it EAT IT HA HA HA H I’m so happy

  5. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    Now, now, HA HA, no need to get all out of control here. I’m sure that if someone else wanted the “FIST comment”, they would have put their chins on the line for it…

  6. A Bloke Downunder says:

    Best post in a long while – well done CARS!

  7. Ozi says:

    Loved it! Very funny. PMSL at “Im a woman with needs…” Ah that was a great post. 🙂

  8. UhhhDude says:

    Aw, Jon’s just sore cuz Spanky and Froggy made him eat the cake with all the stuff they put in it. Either that, or because Alfalfa made off with his girlfriend Darla.

    Besides, he’ll run out of quarters soon enough.

  9. PoisedNoise says:

    avOcados. And I can’t imagine sucking them would be very easy.

  10. Small Cow says:

    Moo.

  11. Huh? says:

    Wheeee! 11?

  12. Adam B says:

    Classic Moltz. Great stuff big guy!

    Made me snort hot peppermint tea out of my nose.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Cold potato salad is the best!!!

  14. Das Winknoid says:

    Obligitary Laffin’ Comment

  15. Insider says:

    Where’s the Cupertino Safeway? I know of the P&W and the Albertson’s. Is it off on McLellan Road or something?

  16. Heinen Fan says:

    Man I guess we know that Jon isn’t a “real” man. What guy wouldn’t get off at the thought of Nancy Heinen saying that too them.

  17. moi says:

    So I’m walking up to a grocery store in Cupertine whn I see a bunch of people gathered at the entrance. They’re all looking and pointing at something and I hear a lot of yelling.

    As it turns out it was just some guy who got run over by one of those “I’m-too-lazy-to-bring-in-the-carts-a-few-at-a-time-so-I’ll-make-a-big-honkin’-line-of-carts-operated-by-remote-control” things. Bummer.

  18. GLAARKU says:

    HA! There isn’t even a Safeway *IN* Cupertino!!!! The closestest one is way the heck over on 1601 Hollenbeck, and that’s in Sunnyvale! I think that was either the P&W (they have good chinese food at the deli) or the very odd, Marina Market behind the Togos that they were thinking of. Kiddie rides are fun though. Can’t blame a guy for wantin’ to ride. Perhaps he was deprived of kiddie rides as a youth… it happens.

  19. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    She likes him *astride* the rocket?

    Oh, Nancy Heinen has a strap-on somewhere in her house. Absolutely.

    Anyone know if she works as a pro domme?

    “Oh, yes. I went there.” -Stewie

  20. jrl2395 says:

    First! -_-

    I bet John loves that rocket ride…

  21. Anonymous says:

    first intellegent post….o.k. maybe thats a bit of an over-statement.

  22. chris says:

    note to self, stop eating while you tune in to CARS 😉

  23. obligatory post count guy says:

    omg 24 hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaahahahahaOFFDAPPPPAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEE

  24. Tell you what, though. The prospect of filling Nancy Heinen’s needs should be enough to get any heterosexual man (and lots of other people) to do *anything*

    http://www.apple.com/pr/photos/execs/heinenphotos.html

  25. Nancy Heinen can ride MY rocket any time she wants!

  26. That was pure genius (CARS story, not any of these lame posts)